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Open and Honest

5/8/2013

11 Comments

 
Picture
Yesterday I did go to the Dr, by the way Dr Christina Bowen is nothing short of an amazing person and doctor. If she wasn't my doctor she is definitely someone I would have picked as a friend! I already figured out what was wrong with me before I went, yes I am big into self diagnosis because well I hate doctors. Anxiety caused by stress. Well bingo.. Diagnosis correct.

That also unfortunately means taking medication during the day to keep me ...well.. sane. It is a vicious cycle, I start working on something, it doesn't go right, I stress, I start a panic attack, I stress because I am panicking and it gets worse from there. Sadly there is also the unrelated nonunderstandable panic I have set on by just being around too many people at once and no one even has to be doing anything to me. The sound of voices talking all at one time overwhelm me and I can't understand the conversations as I am getting bits and pieces from different conversations as I feel like I am failing everyone talking because I can't focus on what they are saying. There are also many times that ONE person is talking to me and as a good friend put it, they are talking Chinese. It is hard to put into words how this affects me because so many people are trying to be supportive and say kind words and what I hear is .. "kjdfgoi;hfd;fjds. oihsdikjfdkweoi. lksjdflkhdskfh?" to which most of the time I just nod. I am probably nodding to I am fixing cow tongue sauteed with pigs eyes.. would you like some?? That is just how things happen to me.

The other down side is sleep issues, I already had sleeping problems before this, now it is more like I don't have sleeping problems much at all, because I just don't. In order for me to lay down at night I have to practically be crawling down the hall so exhausted I don't really even remember going to bed, or fall asleep in the middle of doing something. This is also a drug induced daily activity. Which also leads back to the cycle of stress, when you don't sleep your body and mind do not cooperate with each other AT ALL.

The brutally honest part, I feel weak, not physically weak (well due to lack of sleep I do) but I am talking emotionally weak. I should be tough, I shouldn't be falling apart, but I am. It makes me feel like a failure as a parent, friend, employee, and bootcamper. I didn't want Drake to see me fall apart, he has. I didn't want to be the daughter that my parents didn't know how to help, I am. I didn't want my friends afraid to approach me or not know what to do to help me, they do. I didn't want to be the employee who can't concentrate all the time or panics over simple tasks, I am. I don't want to be the bootcamper that misses more time that showing up because she is in a full state of drug induces haze at 4:30 am because it is 1 am before she can lay down.. I am. I honestly do not know who I am anymore. 3 weeks ago, I thought I was a good mom, good friend, good employee, and good bootcamper (ok ok at least I tried), now... I am empty. I wonder if life will ever hit a normal again, if bootcamp will feel good and something I can be proud of, if I will ever feel ok to laugh with a friend, if my parents will ever not worry about me losing my mind...  these are the things that bother me. These are the reason I feel weak and like a failure.

I am getting help, I am as I said medicated and seeking counseling through my doctor in hopes that talking to someone will help. As my Aunt Ann pointed out yesterday that was INCREDIBLY hard for me as our family as never been much on therapy or issues of the mind. We have been a family of .. be tough.. you will be ok... as JJ would say Walk it Off, I think I could walk to the end of the earth and it wouldn't help. The truth.. I am not tough or ok anymore. I am sharing this with you so not only do you have a little insight as to how I am feeling (because Lord knows I am not going to open my mouth and tell you) but also for those out there that are hurting emotionally and afraid to seek help. I am not going to lie, it is shameful to do, but it is also shameful to have your life fall apart around your feet and not doing a thing to pick it back up.

I pray that soon I can get back to a new normal and back to things that made me me.. bootcamp, friends, family, work... and I hope that each element understands and is patient with me as I pick up all the pieces of my life that were tossed in the air like a horrible game of 52 pick up and sort out where and who I need to be now.

Psalm 119:28 NIV
My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.

Today I speak to the students at Drake's school.. I ask you all to pray that God and Deanna send me the write words to reach these kids in hopes that no other parent has to feel this pain.

Much Love to you all,
De's Mommy

11 Comments
Kim
5/7/2013 11:43:36 pm

LOVE YOU!!! Praying for His perfect healing to be yours! It's ok you know, to feel all those things & not have it all together. Just remember WHO to turn to & keep your eyes fully on HIM at all times.

Reply
Paula
5/7/2013 11:57:22 pm

Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking journey with us. Our family went through a very unexpected loss in January and can understand the emotions you are feeling. I cannot say that I know exactly how you feel, because honestly you have experienced the greatest loss a parent can experience. During my journey with my loss a dear friend told me to be kind to myself. It has helped me. I too am medicated and seeking help from my Dr. As you stated, it is not easy to do when you are use to be being a very strong person. Know that you are doing what is best for you in dealing with your incredible loss. I am thankful that this help exists. Just remember, BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Hugs.

Reply
Mom
5/8/2013 12:00:31 am

You write beautifully.......being able to express yourself so honestly and openly will free both your body and mind.

Reply
Soraya
5/8/2013 12:04:00 am

You are NOT weak. What you are going through is beyond difficult. I remember when my father passed how everyone seemed to go on with life as normal and I was just watching them through a window. Nothing was normal to me anymore and I wanted to scream out that everything had changed. It's been 10 years and my life is still different. You will not go back to normal... nor should you feel the need to go back to normal. Your life has changed. It's okay to acknowledge that. You will proceed to live in a new normal life. One that you will be able to share your memories of your sweet daughter and recognize the loss. This will continue to be a rough road you must travel... the first full year will be the worst. Allow yourself to grieve. Take one step at a time. Cry and ponder. Allow yourself to laugh when you are able. You don't have to put on a strong face. When the wave of sadness takes over you, just focus on breathing. The rest will come.

I am so sorry for your pain and wish I could take some of it from you.

Sending love and hugs your way

Reply
Diane
5/8/2013 12:15:47 am

I have no comfort to offer, but I support you in the journey. I take the medications also, because it is better to be present than "out there" with your family wondering what is wrong. I'm glad you have a place to express yourself freely as well as someone you can talk to. Sending you the gift of eloquence I earned from kissing the blarney stone in Ireland. I know you'll say all the right things today. Xx

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Meg link
5/8/2013 12:35:24 am

I can't claim to have the first inkling of what it feels like to be you, so I can't offer advice. I can guess, though, that your bootcamp community will be good for your body and your soul. they say exercise helps with sleep, right? I'm also glad to hear you're getting some help. No one is expecting you to be a hero. Everyone wants you to begin healing... in your own way, at your own pace.

I am happy to see you getting out there and sharing your powerful message with others. You are touching lives. Not everyone is positioned to do that. I know you'd so much rather not be, but that you are turning your tragedy into this is both therapeutic for you and potentially life-saving for others. I know that is your silver lining.

YOu are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

Reply
Tee
5/8/2013 12:52:15 am

Re.... Because I already understood all of what you have written today, all I can simply say is that I LOVE YOU and I am praying for you.

Reply
Aunt Ann
5/8/2013 01:45:43 am

Remember,God created you and everything that is.It's impossible for you to have a need that He cannot meet.Nothing can separate you from God's love.Be assured that He will take care of you.When your mind goes into neutral and your thoughts flow freely,you tend to feel anxious and alone.You focus on solving your problems.Try getting your mind back into gear by just turning toward God,bringing your problems and yourself into His presence.
"THINGS THAT ARE VISIBLE ARE BRIEF AND FLEETING,WHILE THINGS THAT ARE INVISIBLE ARE EVERLASTING." Ephesians 3:20,2Corinthians 4:18 I'll be praying for you today.Love you Re,Aunt ANN

Reply
Sherry H
5/8/2013 01:46:56 am

Ann Marie, I've never lost a child, so your grief is beyond anything I've experienced, but I have lost a husband, and I recall feeling much the same way as you do now. I don't remember much about anything that was said to me, anything that happened, or anyone who was around me. I was overwhelmed with grief and spent every day in a fog. I can't tell you how long it lasted, but my family worried about me, too. It's all part of the grief process, which is different for everyone. Read about the 7 stages of grief. I think I finally started coming out of it when I got good and angry at my husband for dying.

I think about Deanna every single day, and I miss her, too. She touched my heart, and I'll always remember her as one of my kids.

Reply
Debbie
5/8/2013 06:08:31 am

Re, Deanna and God are speaking through you already! You are out there speaking to the young about Deanna's "HUG" They are with you every step of the way! I can not even begin to know what you are going through or how you must feel!

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Deanna ! Love you

Reply
Edjie
5/8/2013 06:40:06 am

Dunno how you do it!!!!!!!

Reply



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