Open letter to the Lost Ones from my depressed heart,

I have been thinking lately about the lost people... lost to me.. gone. Not in my life any longer. Most of you have left since the accident.. I grieved some of you.. some I didn't even notice were gone.. I think in some way we do get sad at the loss of someone or something in our life when it is over even if was bad to begin with and you are better off without them or it.

But in coming to terms with my grief and depression I have had to see the talking Dr more than normal, (trade off for no meds... no meds means actually having to work through what is causing the grief and depression not masking it with medication.. AGAIN.. DO NOT STOP TAKING YOUR MEDS.. We are each different.. we each have different issues.. my depression is directly related to tragic events in my life that have to be faced, no amount of medication is going to make them go away.) Anyhoo... one of the things that we talked about this week was how much "people" in my life intensified an already bad situation, then decided that my grief and depression were to blame. No sorry.. yes I do suffer from grief and depression.. but you being an asshat doesn't mean you get to blame your issues on what I am going through. And yes.. those that left.. they have issues... and Karma is a teetotal biatch.

Am I hard to deal with.. yea I won't lie about that. This crap is no joke (at the moment I am thinking rather rationally and I am ok.. this moment.. 5 minutes from now I may be in tears and ready to rip the throat out of the cable man). But here is the thing... you knew this.. you knew I was and am in a pretty bad way and CHOSE your actions anyway. Me I don't choose to be this way.. I just am. I just am trying to get out of bed.. I just am trying to live.. I just am trying.. PERIOD. My energy is and has to be focused on .. ME. Why.. because if it isn't I will stop.. I will quit.. I will lay in bed until my body aches.. I will stop caring.. and I will die. That is the bottom line.. if I don't do what I need to do for me right now, I will die. (that doesn't give me a free pass to go out and intentionally hurt anyone.. I am just saying I can't be focused on you people's crap right now.) I have found that I had some of the most self centered "friends", I was kinda shocked at that in a way, but as I look back I makes sense. I have always been more of a giving person.. makes it easy for the self centered peeps to swoop in and take advantage. I made the mistake of relying on them after the accident and thinking they would be here, you know because they were ALL ABOUT being in the middle of it when tragedy struck and being in the lime light. I laugh now at how many said.. IF YOU NEED ANYTHING call.. I will come right down.. I promise I will come help you and be there for you. (PS I can count on one hand how many people have been here since the accident from out of town) They were quick to be gone .. it's ok. I don't miss any of them. (not even counting the friends and family that vacationed here and never took 5 minutes out .. just to say hi)

The other group of lost ones.. the people who were there a bit.. for awhile.. did what they thought they could from afar.. via email, text, maybe a phone call .. then slowly faded away.. or found something in me they didn't like. Yea you people were good for awhile... you guys meant well.. . but have no real understanding of depression .. wanna know why they are gone? It's the she should be better now syndrome. Nope.. I am not better.. honesty I am worse right now than I was. Why? Because I FEEL ALL OF THIS NOW! It hurts.. I won't be better tomorrow either.. so maybe staying out of my way is a good idea.

And last but not leasts.. you side liners. I love you guys the most, because I have to deal with you. You aren't quite gone but not quite here either. I can tell you .. I am not using my energy to reach out to you guys. If I hear one more time.. "I haven't heard from you in sooooo long" I will likely have the overwhelming urge to smash your face in with a shovel. You are right .. you haven't heard from me. I am too busy trying to breathe. Yea you may be busy.. you have your own issues to deal with.. I get it. I TRULY do! But for the love of everything in heaven.. DO NOT EXPECT ME to be the one to reach out to YOU... this group also includes the "Plan cancellers". You have NO IDEA how much cancelling plans with me hurts right now.

Many of you and your friends are doing the Ice Bucket Challenge right now.. it is amazing. I am proud of each person who has donated their hard earned money to a cause that has until now been in the shadows. Me.. I am challenging you to something a little different, no money has to be donated, no ice dumped on your head, no pies to the face. I challenge you to spend 15 minutes reading about depression and how you can be helpful to a friend, loved one, or hell even a stranger. I challenge you as someone that is currently drowning in this hell. (told you by the time 5 minutes was up I may not be ok.. typing this through tears of sadness because so many will chalk this up to .. she isn't talking about me or.. she is crazy.)

15 minutes that is all I ask.

In closing to all of you lost ones.. I want to say, you didn't stand by me at my worst, you don't deserve to be around for my best.

Re

PS To you guys that are standing beside, behind, around, and in front of me... you will never know how much your love and support has meant to me. IT IS YOU PEOPLE THAT HAVE KEPT ME ALIVE...Like

One of the things that brought Deanna (and her family) much joy was her acting. She was good at it and we were incredibly proud to go see her in her plays. From little parts to big parts to directing she did it all with a smile. She brought a light to the stage and to her fellow actors much as she did with life.

I picked up in her footsteps as of late, I just don't act on a stage. Life is my stage. I have to pretend and act even to fool myself into getting up a lot of days. The smile... sometimes its real, more than often it is not. My words, chosen from a script in my head because I just really want to say.. @#$%#$@%#$#!!!!!! Repeatedly.

Pretending she is there... not where she is. Just somewhere anywhere, not gone. Pretending I am ok, that I am not where I am, or who I am or that this is my life. Pretending that I still have what it takes to be something in this life.

There are things I don't have to pretend about... I do have friends and family who love me. Who hold me up when I am feeling so down. Pretty sure they see past the scripts and smiles. I do get my workout on at bootcamp.. I haven't found a way to fake that one yet. Grateful for it.. it is one of the few things that makes me feel alive.

Song lyrics rush through my thoughts like fireflies in the night sky.. moments of truth in the music.

I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all...

She pulls her hair back as she screams I don't really want to live this life...

Do you believe he thinks I am really alive..

You'd bleed just to know your alive..

A penny for your thoughts oh no I'd sell 'em for a dollar..

How long do I fantasize
Make believe that it's still alive
Imagine that I am good enough
And we can choose the ones we love
But I hold on, I stay strong
Wondering if we still belong,

Will we ever say the words we're feeling
Reach down underneath and tear down all the walls
Will we ever have our happy ending?
Or will we forever only be pretending?

Maybe I am crazy.. maybe I am not. Either way its ok because what part of it is real?