I picked up in her footsteps as of late, I just don't act on a stage. Life is my stage. I have to pretend and act even to fool myself into getting up a lot of days. The smile... sometimes its real, more than often it is not. My words, chosen from a script in my head because I just really want to say.. @#$%#$@%#$#!!!!!! Repeatedly.
Pretending she is there... not where she is. Just somewhere anywhere, not gone. Pretending I am ok, that I am not where I am, or who I am or that this is my life. Pretending that I still have what it takes to be something in this life.
There are things I don't have to pretend about... I do have friends and family who love me. Who hold me up when I am feeling so down. Pretty sure they see past the scripts and smiles. I do get my workout on at bootcamp.. I haven't found a way to fake that one yet. Grateful for it.. it is one of the few things that makes me feel alive.
Song lyrics rush through my thoughts like fireflies in the night sky.. moments of truth in the music.
I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all...
She pulls her hair back as she screams I don't really want to live this life...
Do you believe he thinks I am really alive..
You'd bleed just to know your alive..
A penny for your thoughts oh no I'd sell 'em for a dollar..
How long do I fantasize
Make believe that it's still alive
Imagine that I am good enough
And we can choose the ones we love
But I hold on, I stay strong
Wondering if we still belong,
Will we ever say the words we're feeling
Reach down underneath and tear down all the walls
Will we ever have our happy ending?
Or will we forever only be pretending?
Maybe I am crazy.. maybe I am not. Either way its ok because what part of it is real?