Give. Live. Hug.
Follow Me:
  • Re's Journey
    • Re's Journey 2011-2013
    • Re's Journey 2007 - 2011
  • Spindles
  • Cafe Mais Sha
  • De's Story
    • Photos of De
    • Signs of De
    • Deanna Hugs
  • Glimpses into my mind
  • Banx, Kittum and Fat Beagle
  • Favorite People, Places and Things
    • Family and Friends
    • Bootcamp Family
    • Favorite Places and Things
    • Me!
    • Crafties I Made
    • Deanna's Christmas Tree
  • Encouragements, Insights, and Funnies
    • Encouragement MeMes
    • Funny MeMes
    • Grief Memes
    • Favorite Postsecrets
    • Words of Support from April 20th
  • Races, Runs and other Fun Events
    • Deanna's Candle Light Service
    • Deanna's 5k 2013
    • Pretty Muddy
    • OBX Marathon 2013
  • Contact Us

Unnecessary Disappointment 

3/30/2017

0 Comments

 
Picture
Have you ever been unnecessarily disappointed in something? How about if that something was yourself? Have you ever felt a deep rooted feeling of failure? An ache in your heart so deep that surely it will be there forever?


On April 19th 2012 I was handed an honor grad tag, for coming so far so fast were the words used. You see I started training for a half marathon and I went from being able to only run one minute to running 13.1 miles in 6 weeks time. It was slow running but running none the less. I had no idea that day that one year and one day later everything would shatter.

Over that year I ran races, I got my best time ever on a 5k, crushed my half marathon time, did a spartan, participated in upper level bootcamp, assisted in coaching another camp, ran countless miles, became someone that I actually liked. Then it all ended. Those 366 days flew by, the summer she was here was a blink, there just wasn't enough time. 366 days and my heart was crushed, everything I knew shattered.

I buried my honor tag the day I buried my daughter. She deserved it, she loved her bootcamp family and was looking forward to attending again when she came back to the beach. That day, her last day, she had to have been wearing her shirt, we never found it. So somewhere in heaven there is an angel sporting bootcamp red and all the souls are wondering.. what exactly is 15.23.14.9.20. anyway?

So what is all of this about you are probably wondering. The day I gave Deanna my tag, I had a heart conversation with her, I could hear her saying "No, mommy, that's yours" and I told her that it was ok, that mommy would get another one, this one is yours now, you are my honor grad, I will get another. Here I am 4 years later and I have failed at everything. In 21 days my beautiful girl will have been gone 4 years, in that time I have done nothing to keep any promises I made. I can't run a 30 minute 5k, I can barely finish a half, I have no idea how I am going to finish a spartan, much less two, I have not made her death mean anything, I struggle every day just to stay alive, and I certainly have not done anything to keep my promise of getting another one.

I feel like I am always one step behind, that I just can't keep up, that there is a heavy fog blanketing everything I do, and the weight of the heartache I carry on my shoulders. In four years I have not figured out how exactly to make it through this, to break back into someone that I can admire and actually like, to make some kind of sense out of all of it.

I can't figure out how to make her proud.

I am tired.

And today.. right this minute.. I just want to quit.
0 Comments

        Author

    De's Mommy
    Re
    Ann Marie
    Rhiannon Phoenix Mariah Dawn
    President of the Pro Bailers

    All of them are me!

    Blogs I Love!

    Life in Mathews
    Living in the Shadow
    Fosterhood in NYC
    Post Secret
    Hyperbole and a Half
    The Bloggess

    Archives

    January 2022
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    April 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    May 2019
    April 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    October 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    September 2015
    July 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    November 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013

    Categories

    All
    #anger
    #bootcamp
    #deannahug
    #givelivehug
    #grief
    #looneytoons
    #onesaved
    #shame

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.