On April 19th 2012 I was handed an honor grad tag, for coming so far so fast were the words used. You see I started training for a half marathon and I went from being able to only run one minute to running 13.1 miles in 6 weeks time. It was slow running but running none the less. I had no idea that day that one year and one day later everything would shatter.
Over that year I ran races, I got my best time ever on a 5k, crushed my half marathon time, did a spartan, participated in upper level bootcamp, assisted in coaching another camp, ran countless miles, became someone that I actually liked. Then it all ended. Those 366 days flew by, the summer she was here was a blink, there just wasn't enough time. 366 days and my heart was crushed, everything I knew shattered.
I buried my honor tag the day I buried my daughter. She deserved it, she loved her bootcamp family and was looking forward to attending again when she came back to the beach. That day, her last day, she had to have been wearing her shirt, we never found it. So somewhere in heaven there is an angel sporting bootcamp red and all the souls are wondering.. what exactly is 18.104.22.168.20. anyway?
So what is all of this about you are probably wondering. The day I gave Deanna my tag, I had a heart conversation with her, I could hear her saying "No, mommy, that's yours" and I told her that it was ok, that mommy would get another one, this one is yours now, you are my honor grad, I will get another. Here I am 4 years later and I have failed at everything. In 21 days my beautiful girl will have been gone 4 years, in that time I have done nothing to keep any promises I made. I can't run a 30 minute 5k, I can barely finish a half, I have no idea how I am going to finish a spartan, much less two, I have not made her death mean anything, I struggle every day just to stay alive, and I certainly have not done anything to keep my promise of getting another one.
I feel like I am always one step behind, that I just can't keep up, that there is a heavy fog blanketing everything I do, and the weight of the heartache I carry on my shoulders. In four years I have not figured out how exactly to make it through this, to break back into someone that I can admire and actually like, to make some kind of sense out of all of it.
I can't figure out how to make her proud.
I am tired.
And today.. right this minute.. I just want to quit.