One year, 9 days 11 hours and 15 minutes ago my strength died. I know some don't understand that as there was an angel child before Deanna... but I was naive and I believed that lightening would not strike twice and that life would never be rocked that way again and it allowed me and my children to move on knowing that we had lost a cherished part of our family but that he was safely in heaven and we would see him as soon as it was our time. Then on April 20th 2013 at 8:59 am our world was rocked again. Since.. there is no safety, there is no naive thought that this won't happen again.

I posted the above photo on a sweet friends facebook wall the other day, she suffers a chronic physical pain, last night I realized that I suffer from a chronic emotional pain. A pain that doesn't lessen that doesn't go away, yet people are constantly saying "You are so strong.. you are an inspiration..." I am neither. I get up each morning, I go to work, I go to bed. There is no other life.. I am not inspiring anyone or showing any kind of strength.. I am doing what billions of people do daily, only much less. What makes me strong? That I "survived" this tragedy in life not once but twice? What you think is me surviving is honestly me praying that my time here isn't very long. I have no idea what my purpose here is, all I know is I am part of some horrid club that NO PARENT should ever have to be part of, but we are, and most of us are lost.

If I had my way I would work every day.. I would work my day job and an evening job. That is the only time I am "ok". That my mind is not whirling around thoughts of why.. and what is my purpose.. and many other things. But when I am working.. my mind is occupied and I have time to just be me. So much so I have seriously considered getting another job from Tuesday to Thursday until I am needed at the Saltbox then.

I have given up running, exercising, bootcamp, and many other activities that used to bring me joy. That I used to feel accomplished after completing. That sense of accomplishment no longer exists. It's more like what the heck am I doing this for... there is no purpose in this. I don't work for money.. yes I make money but it isn't the reason I want to be there.. I want to be there because I feel alive. Most of my money I have made there has gone to house hold things I have put off and gifts for others. That is what makes me feel good.

I know I am rambling a bit I apologize.. but my point here is there is no strength in me.. there is no inspiration in me.. there is only me, waking up, doing my job, going to bed. There is nothing inspirational there. I don't see people unless at work.. I miss people.. but don't have the strength to get it together enough to go out. It doesn't mean I don't love or miss my friends.... it just means that I don't have it in me to do anything.

So you see... the truth strength and inspiration lies in YOU.. those that have stood beside me, those that were always on the other end of a text, a facebook post, a twitter with just a couple of words of encouragement. Believe me .. there are few of you and I know who each of you are personally. Sadly I also know those of you that couldn't handle this and walked away.. some in haste.. some slowly backing out.. It's ok, you owe me nothing, I thank you for the time you could be there.

You all have been my strength and inspiration to get up every morning.. even if that was all I managed to do.

Much love to all of you.
Please remember to live your life for every moment.. you never know when it could end.. even if you are stuck here on Earth.
Re

The above pic is the last picture that De took before her accident. It's the last photo on her iPod. She is with Mariah, her best friend and sister.  I don't know if she knew that her hours were numbered, sometimes I think she did based on some conversations she had.. but I don't know.

It has been a year since my baby has gone home. We are the ones left behind in the wilderness trying to find our way home to our loved ones. She isn't lost, I am. She isn't gone, I am. She isn't dead, I am.

In the last few months I have cut more and more people off from my madness, some due to mistrust, some due to hurt feelings, some due to protection (seriously does everyone need to watch my mental melt down and me posting like a sailor one second and praising God the next.. I didn't think so). Some due to me not fitting in certain groups any longer.

My year has been filled with more hurt than I even imaged it could be on the day of the accident. I thought that was the most pain anyone could feel, I was in for a surprise. The accident was only the beginning of the pain. Living in a world of darkness for a year is no fun... especially when you don't accept that it is your darkness and embrace it so that you may consume yourself in light.

Have I made some bad choices in the last year, of course. I make no excuses, but haven't we all. We are human we aren't perfect, and before judging me for my actions and my decisions regardless if you agreed or not, I ask you, have you walked a mile in my shoes? Could you? I haven't walked a mile in yours either so I don't know why you may feel any particular way and it isn't for me to know.

A year later, my heart is still in a million pieces and I would give anything for just one more hug, and some understand of how the last year has unfolded, but that is not going to happen, not until the glorious day I meet her in Heaven.

My friends I ask you... are you in the darkness? Embrace it, there are REASONS you are where you are. Regardless if you see it or not it is molding you and making you more awesome than you could ever imagine. I am not saying I am embracing the death of my babies, family members, and dear friends.. I am saying I am embracing that there is a purpose, there is meaning, and that purpose will come to light on the day I go home. I know I won't get there until my purpose is served, hiding in the house and away from the world is not fulfilling that purpose.

I wrote these words on Deanna's first Angelversary. I know that not all who read this are devote Christians, and that is quite ok. Change the words a bit in your mind and it still is fitting.


A year ago today my sweet Deanna went home to be with our heavenly Father. I miss her more than many can imagine. She was my daughter, part of my heart and soul. I found it so ironic that her first Angelversary fell on Easter.

The day of Resurrection.

I will admit that at first I felt a twinge of anger and jealousy that God resurrected His son but my daughter did not have that chance. I realize now she would not want that if she had the choice, but knowing her giving the choice she would make the sacrifice and come back to this earthy hell to take away the sadness of all of those that miss her so.

This all got me to thinking. If God could resurrect his Son why not his daughter. Me. I am claiming today April 20th. The day of my resurrection from the pain, hurt, anguish, of losing my only daughter. The day of resurrection from bitterness, anger, and frustration of lost friendships. The day of resurrection from the loneliness and sadness from the death of a very dear friend.

I claim with the faith in God that this is the day of resurrection into a new life of health, happiness and love. A day of resurrection into a life that I am a better mother, daughter, girlfriend, and friend.

Each of you have stood beside me during this year of tragedy, drama, and overwhelming emotions, for that I thank and love each of you. There is not enough I can do to personally to express the amount of love I have for you all for our support, kindness, love and above all putting up with me.

I send you each blessings and beautiful thoughts today. May the sun shine on your days and the rain only come to wash away sadness.

My baby is alive and well in heaven. This I have faith in... As much as I have faith that God will allow this new resurrection in my life.

Much love
De's Mommy


It is time to break down the barriers, jump the walls, travel the path unknown and become my purpose. Does that mean I won't make more mistakes.. naw.. no way.. the only way you learn is by making them. It just means I walk away from the past, embrace the future, and move forward one step at a time to the place I long to be in the end.

May you all have a blessed and wonderful Friday!
Re