I posted the above photo on a sweet friends facebook wall the other day, she suffers a chronic physical pain, last night I realized that I suffer from a chronic emotional pain. A pain that doesn't lessen that doesn't go away, yet people are constantly saying "You are so strong.. you are an inspiration..." I am neither. I get up each morning, I go to work, I go to bed. There is no other life.. I am not inspiring anyone or showing any kind of strength.. I am doing what billions of people do daily, only much less. What makes me strong? That I "survived" this tragedy in life not once but twice? What you think is me surviving is honestly me praying that my time here isn't very long. I have no idea what my purpose here is, all I know is I am part of some horrid club that NO PARENT should ever have to be part of, but we are, and most of us are lost.
If I had my way I would work every day.. I would work my day job and an evening job. That is the only time I am "ok". That my mind is not whirling around thoughts of why.. and what is my purpose.. and many other things. But when I am working.. my mind is occupied and I have time to just be me. So much so I have seriously considered getting another job from Tuesday to Thursday until I am needed at the Saltbox then.
I have given up running, exercising, bootcamp, and many other activities that used to bring me joy. That I used to feel accomplished after completing. That sense of accomplishment no longer exists. It's more like what the heck am I doing this for... there is no purpose in this. I don't work for money.. yes I make money but it isn't the reason I want to be there.. I want to be there because I feel alive. Most of my money I have made there has gone to house hold things I have put off and gifts for others. That is what makes me feel good.
I know I am rambling a bit I apologize.. but my point here is there is no strength in me.. there is no inspiration in me.. there is only me, waking up, doing my job, going to bed. There is nothing inspirational there. I don't see people unless at work.. I miss people.. but don't have the strength to get it together enough to go out. It doesn't mean I don't love or miss my friends.... it just means that I don't have it in me to do anything.
So you see... the truth strength and inspiration lies in YOU.. those that have stood beside me, those that were always on the other end of a text, a facebook post, a twitter with just a couple of words of encouragement. Believe me .. there are few of you and I know who each of you are personally. Sadly I also know those of you that couldn't handle this and walked away.. some in haste.. some slowly backing out.. It's ok, you owe me nothing, I thank you for the time you could be there.
You all have been my strength and inspiration to get up every morning.. even if that was all I managed to do.
Much love to all of you.
Please remember to live your life for every moment.. you never know when it could end.. even if you are stuck here on Earth.