That time where I waiver, where things get dicey and shaky.. the time I just give up.

I know, I know you are thinking "But you are doing so well!" Yea, kinda, it is the time that the scale always betrays me. I already know that at noon today it will because this morning my scale was up from last weeks noon weight. It is frustrating. I know I ate well. I know I exercised as much as my aching body would allow and still that number looming there is like the bully in grade school who relentless told me I was fat and was a pig.  It is the time that my brain always goes.. "what is the point in all of this struggle, look a the scale it isn't moving, you are doing all of this for nothing." The next two weeks will in fact be mentally more taxing than physically. While physically the work I am putting in is hard the mental push to make it over this hump will far out weigh any muscle soreness I have.

As many of you know, a week ago, a terrible tragedy happened, something that was so incredibly painful. The one thing that is relate-able to this post is that some how I made it through without falling into a vat of vodka or a tub of risotto. I did everything to stay on point with my exercise and food because I knew the slippery slope those feelings could send me down.  What I need to do in these next few weeks is to hold on to that strength that got me through the last 7 days and keep moving forward to a smaller, healthier me.

It's time for me to change completely, it is time to break that cycle of frustration and moon pies (PS i really don't like moon pies, they just sound like they should be good).

The bottom line is the top line, "Nothing changes until you do"

Much love
Re

The strength it takes to start over again is something that I apparently have a lot of. I have many many restarts, do overs, lets try this agains under my belt, sadly I don't think I have ever pulled out a win when it comes to my fitness, health and weight. Back in 2012 I was almost there, so very close that I could taste it. I sort of maintained awhile and then the accident happened and since then things have been very down hill. The depression would take over and I couldn't sleep, if I didn't sleep I didn't feel good, if I didn't feel good I didn't want to work out, if I didn't work out I felt guilty, if I felt guilty I felt out of control, and if I felt out of control I did the one thing that I had control over and I ate. I ate a lot. Every now and then I would see a twinkle of light and put down the fork for a dumbbell but not often enough to maintain any sort of healthy weight. I put the 40 lbs I had lost back on plus 20 more. I am currently heavier than I have ever been in my life.

I know some of you have run with weighted vests, or carrying dumbbells during bootcamp. I think the most we ever used was 30 lbs in back packs. Imagine that double. Imagine carrying two 30 pound dumbbells, one in each hand and trying to run.  Let me tell you IT HURTS. It isn't muscle pain from straining, I know what that feels like, this is pain in my joints and my legs from pounding down with too much weight. Yesterday I did 3 miles with the Sunday Runday crew and last night and this morning navigating my stairs just to get to bed and get up was stupid painful. I feel old and I am not old. I feel ashamed and I should. I chose not to go to track day today because I do have an appointment with destiny at noon today and needed to be on my A game. I don't see this as a loss or a failure just simply realizing that my body is completely out of whack and I need to be kind to it or it won't be kind to me.

What I see as a loss is my addiction to food. I am working to over come it but it is a battle. To some it may seem absolutely stupid for someone to be addicted to food, but here I sit. If you don't believe in it, lets talk because it is a very real thing. I may not be out at 3 am driving around looking for a burger dealer on the street corner or digging through the sofa looking for coins to buy one more little debbie cake, but the use of a substance to "make me feel better" is there. Sad, have a piece of cake you will feel better. Hurt, oh that hamburger will make it ok. Alone, those cookies will never leave you. Happy, LET'S CELEBRATE! WITH CHIPS! Are you seeing the pattern here? Seems absolutely stupid doesn't it? It did to me too until I recently looked deeply at what was going on with this and myself. (No I have not broken the cycle so don't ask me how it is going.. it's not yet.. I am working on it)

The bottom line it is completely about control, for days, weeks, years my life has been completely and utterly out of control and I have not been able to compartmentalize the things that were happening. Instead of realizing that the accident was out of my control and that was something that happened in my life it manifested into my life being out of control. Instead of seeing that moving back to Mathews not being good for me and that part of my life being out of control it just exasperated into more of my life as a whole being out of control. Charlie. Drake. Little Dustin. Deanna. Dustin. My job. My family. My friends. Losing my House. Jaxon. Not fitting in. Depression. On and on and on.. things we all deal with on a daily basis .. yet I had lost my ability to deal at all. Out of control. All of it. Spinning madly. Except this slice of pie. This slice of pie was mine. No one could take it away. It wouldn't die. It wouldn't be ugly to me. It wouldn't put demands on me that I couldn't meet. It wouldn't make me feel like a failure. It was mine and I was in completely control over it and how much of it I ate and how long it took me.

Without me realizing it, the food took control. I no longer had control over it. If there was cake in the house I was going to eat it until it was gone. Pasta, I would eat it until I was sick. Chips the entire bag. It took control. Now I have to fight out of this pit as well as fight to regain control of my weight and fitness.

Sitting here right now it seems discouraging and impossible, but the only thing there is to do is ...

start all over again.

I'd like to thank God, The Jesus Freaks, Good Juju senders and the Jedi Masters, without you all I would not have made it home. It has taken many prayers, thoughts and the force to get me here without a doubt.

I have been semi quiet about the move, no incredibly long posts, no blog updates, because I was still praying the entire time. "Please let this be real, don't like this be a dream, please ensure I am making the right move".. over and over and over. Until today. Today I sit here in complete and utter awe and what prayer and friends can do. Not all of my friends pray in the sense of "Dear Heavenly Father..." but their good vibes out in to the universe and well wishes for me to get home should not be overlooked either. So what am I trying to say there. Simply Thank You All!

I woke this morning tired. The move has been exhausting because lets face it I am not 20 moving two pick up truck loads anyone. I am 45 moving 45 years worth of stuff and me being me I wanted it unpacked the day BEFORE I moved it so I have busted my rear end and gotten the majority of it complete. Odds and Ends remain. So yes today the move caught up with me physically and I am straight up beat, however, I woke up in a place that my heart is happy. I woke up at home.

Yesterday I went back to bootcamp, I go again Thursday, on Monday I add in recording all I eat, weight lifting at the gym, and my monument goal of around up and down and up and down and back home daily to the mix. Yes I have a plan. Yes I am giving myself the weekend to just rest and enjoy being home. I have been on full force go go go go go since I landed my feet on sand and lets face it for months I have not been kind to myself, honestly I have been straight up terrible to me. So this weekend, I reset my batteries and my heart.

I know some of you may be concerned about how Banx and Drake are after dealing with another move.

Banx is utterly traumatized and refuses to settle down. He is completely upset that his bed and bear are in a different place.... Not. The first day he was a bit out of sorts until I realized his bed was upside down after that ... well you can see for yourself.

Drake, I would post a photo of him as well but to be honest I haven't seen him long enough to take a photo. He has done more in 4 days at the beach that he has in 3 months in VA. He has been to church twice, gone to the movies, worked two days, and last night he spent the night with his best friend he hasn't seen since Christmas.

All in all, this move has been GREAT! We all love our new home.

Much love to all!
Re

PS Very special thanks to my friend and landlord Jim for making a miracle happen. Love to Amanda for feeding us, welcoming us home, and giving me a spot to sleep that first night. Super thanks to my moving men Ed, Daddy and Drake without you I would be stuck under a sofa or something. Thankfulness goes to Sandy, Melissa, and Hayley for making me take a break from the unpacking and enjoy some time on the beach. And the biggest thanks and appreciation of all goes to Ed for making it all happen. 831