The strength it takes to start over again is something that I apparently have a lot of. I have many many restarts, do overs, lets try this agains under my belt, sadly I don't think I have ever pulled out a win when it comes to my fitness, health and weight. Back in 2012 I was almost there, so very close that I could taste it. I sort of maintained awhile and then the accident happened and since then things have been very down hill. The depression would take over and I couldn't sleep, if I didn't sleep I didn't feel good, if I didn't feel good I didn't want to work out, if I didn't work out I felt guilty, if I felt guilty I felt out of control, and if I felt out of control I did the one thing that I had control over and I ate. I ate a lot. Every now and then I would see a twinkle of light and put down the fork for a dumbbell but not often enough to maintain any sort of healthy weight. I put the 40 lbs I had lost back on plus 20 more. I am currently heavier than I have ever been in my life.
I know some of you have run with weighted vests, or carrying dumbbells during bootcamp. I think the most we ever used was 30 lbs in back packs. Imagine that double. Imagine carrying two 30 pound dumbbells, one in each hand and trying to run. Let me tell you IT HURTS. It isn't muscle pain from straining, I know what that feels like, this is pain in my joints and my legs from pounding down with too much weight. Yesterday I did 3 miles with the Sunday Runday crew and last night and this morning navigating my stairs just to get to bed and get up was stupid painful. I feel old and I am not old. I feel ashamed and I should. I chose not to go to track day today because I do have an appointment with destiny at noon today and needed to be on my A game. I don't see this as a loss or a failure just simply realizing that my body is completely out of whack and I need to be kind to it or it won't be kind to me.
What I see as a loss is my addiction to food. I am working to over come it but it is a battle. To some it may seem absolutely stupid for someone to be addicted to food, but here I sit. If you don't believe in it, lets talk because it is a very real thing. I may not be out at 3 am driving around looking for a burger dealer on the street corner or digging through the sofa looking for coins to buy one more little debbie cake, but the use of a substance to "make me feel better" is there. Sad, have a piece of cake you will feel better. Hurt, oh that hamburger will make it ok. Alone, those cookies will never leave you. Happy, LET'S CELEBRATE! WITH CHIPS! Are you seeing the pattern here? Seems absolutely stupid doesn't it? It did to me too until I recently looked deeply at what was going on with this and myself. (No I have not broken the cycle so don't ask me how it is going.. it's not yet.. I am working on it)
The bottom line it is completely about control, for days, weeks, years my life has been completely and utterly out of control and I have not been able to compartmentalize the things that were happening. Instead of realizing that the accident was out of my control and that was something that happened in my life it manifested into my life being out of control. Instead of seeing that moving back to Mathews not being good for me and that part of my life being out of control it just exasperated into more of my life as a whole being out of control. Charlie. Drake. Little Dustin. Deanna. Dustin. My job. My family. My friends. Losing my House. Jaxon. Not fitting in. Depression. On and on and on.. things we all deal with on a daily basis .. yet I had lost my ability to deal at all. Out of control. All of it. Spinning madly. Except this slice of pie. This slice of pie was mine. No one could take it away. It wouldn't die. It wouldn't be ugly to me. It wouldn't put demands on me that I couldn't meet. It wouldn't make me feel like a failure. It was mine and I was in completely control over it and how much of it I ate and how long it took me.
Without me realizing it, the food took control. I no longer had control over it. If there was cake in the house I was going to eat it until it was gone. Pasta, I would eat it until I was sick. Chips the entire bag. It took control. Now I have to fight out of this pit as well as fight to regain control of my weight and fitness.
Sitting here right now it seems discouraging and impossible, but the only thing there is to do is ...
start all over again.
I know some of you have run with weighted vests, or carrying dumbbells during bootcamp. I think the most we ever used was 30 lbs in back packs. Imagine that double. Imagine carrying two 30 pound dumbbells, one in each hand and trying to run. Let me tell you IT HURTS. It isn't muscle pain from straining, I know what that feels like, this is pain in my joints and my legs from pounding down with too much weight. Yesterday I did 3 miles with the Sunday Runday crew and last night and this morning navigating my stairs just to get to bed and get up was stupid painful. I feel old and I am not old. I feel ashamed and I should. I chose not to go to track day today because I do have an appointment with destiny at noon today and needed to be on my A game. I don't see this as a loss or a failure just simply realizing that my body is completely out of whack and I need to be kind to it or it won't be kind to me.
What I see as a loss is my addiction to food. I am working to over come it but it is a battle. To some it may seem absolutely stupid for someone to be addicted to food, but here I sit. If you don't believe in it, lets talk because it is a very real thing. I may not be out at 3 am driving around looking for a burger dealer on the street corner or digging through the sofa looking for coins to buy one more little debbie cake, but the use of a substance to "make me feel better" is there. Sad, have a piece of cake you will feel better. Hurt, oh that hamburger will make it ok. Alone, those cookies will never leave you. Happy, LET'S CELEBRATE! WITH CHIPS! Are you seeing the pattern here? Seems absolutely stupid doesn't it? It did to me too until I recently looked deeply at what was going on with this and myself. (No I have not broken the cycle so don't ask me how it is going.. it's not yet.. I am working on it)
The bottom line it is completely about control, for days, weeks, years my life has been completely and utterly out of control and I have not been able to compartmentalize the things that were happening. Instead of realizing that the accident was out of my control and that was something that happened in my life it manifested into my life being out of control. Instead of seeing that moving back to Mathews not being good for me and that part of my life being out of control it just exasperated into more of my life as a whole being out of control. Charlie. Drake. Little Dustin. Deanna. Dustin. My job. My family. My friends. Losing my House. Jaxon. Not fitting in. Depression. On and on and on.. things we all deal with on a daily basis .. yet I had lost my ability to deal at all. Out of control. All of it. Spinning madly. Except this slice of pie. This slice of pie was mine. No one could take it away. It wouldn't die. It wouldn't be ugly to me. It wouldn't put demands on me that I couldn't meet. It wouldn't make me feel like a failure. It was mine and I was in completely control over it and how much of it I ate and how long it took me.
Without me realizing it, the food took control. I no longer had control over it. If there was cake in the house I was going to eat it until it was gone. Pasta, I would eat it until I was sick. Chips the entire bag. It took control. Now I have to fight out of this pit as well as fight to regain control of my weight and fitness.
Sitting here right now it seems discouraging and impossible, but the only thing there is to do is ...
start all over again.
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