It has been a year since my baby has gone home. We are the ones left behind in the wilderness trying to find our way home to our loved ones. She isn't lost, I am. She isn't gone, I am. She isn't dead, I am.
In the last few months I have cut more and more people off from my madness, some due to mistrust, some due to hurt feelings, some due to protection (seriously does everyone need to watch my mental melt down and me posting like a sailor one second and praising God the next.. I didn't think so). Some due to me not fitting in certain groups any longer.
My year has been filled with more hurt than I even imaged it could be on the day of the accident. I thought that was the most pain anyone could feel, I was in for a surprise. The accident was only the beginning of the pain. Living in a world of darkness for a year is no fun... especially when you don't accept that it is your darkness and embrace it so that you may consume yourself in light.
Have I made some bad choices in the last year, of course. I make no excuses, but haven't we all. We are human we aren't perfect, and before judging me for my actions and my decisions regardless if you agreed or not, I ask you, have you walked a mile in my shoes? Could you? I haven't walked a mile in yours either so I don't know why you may feel any particular way and it isn't for me to know.
A year later, my heart is still in a million pieces and I would give anything for just one more hug, and some understand of how the last year has unfolded, but that is not going to happen, not until the glorious day I meet her in Heaven.
My friends I ask you... are you in the darkness? Embrace it, there are REASONS you are where you are. Regardless if you see it or not it is molding you and making you more awesome than you could ever imagine. I am not saying I am embracing the death of my babies, family members, and dear friends.. I am saying I am embracing that there is a purpose, there is meaning, and that purpose will come to light on the day I go home. I know I won't get there until my purpose is served, hiding in the house and away from the world is not fulfilling that purpose.
I wrote these words on Deanna's first Angelversary. I know that not all who read this are devote Christians, and that is quite ok. Change the words a bit in your mind and it still is fitting.
A year ago today my sweet Deanna went home to be with our heavenly Father. I miss her more than many can imagine. She was my daughter, part of my heart and soul. I found it so ironic that her first Angelversary fell on Easter.
The day of Resurrection.
I will admit that at first I felt a twinge of anger and jealousy that God resurrected His son but my daughter did not have that chance. I realize now she would not want that if she had the choice, but knowing her giving the choice she would make the sacrifice and come back to this earthy hell to take away the sadness of all of those that miss her so.
This all got me to thinking. If God could resurrect his Son why not his daughter. Me. I am claiming today April 20th. The day of my resurrection from the pain, hurt, anguish, of losing my only daughter. The day of resurrection from bitterness, anger, and frustration of lost friendships. The day of resurrection from the loneliness and sadness from the death of a very dear friend.
I claim with the faith in God that this is the day of resurrection into a new life of health, happiness and love. A day of resurrection into a life that I am a better mother, daughter, girlfriend, and friend.
Each of you have stood beside me during this year of tragedy, drama, and overwhelming emotions, for that I thank and love each of you. There is not enough I can do to personally to express the amount of love I have for you all for our support, kindness, love and above all putting up with me.
I send you each blessings and beautiful thoughts today. May the sun shine on your days and the rain only come to wash away sadness.
My baby is alive and well in heaven. This I have faith in... As much as I have faith that God will allow this new resurrection in my life.
It is time to break down the barriers, jump the walls, travel the path unknown and become my purpose. Does that mean I won't make more mistakes.. naw.. no way.. the only way you learn is by making them. It just means I walk away from the past, embrace the future, and move forward one step at a time to the place I long to be in the end.
May you all have a blessed and wonderful Friday!