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Hugs and Heartbreak

5/9/2013

7 Comments

 
Picture
Today I can't seem to get by the fact that the last time I saw you .. you hopped out of the jeep after holding a pot of cabbage for miles, (yea I know.. yuck right) we took the long way back to Anita's because silly me took a wrong turn. That's all I remember. I don't remember the last words I said or you said as you got out, I can't even see you getting out of the jeep. I don't know if I said I love you. I don't remember if you leaned in and gave me a hug or not. I just can't remember. The last thing I do remember is saying "Opps I was supposed to turn back there." I don't remember the moments after that or the rest of the trip,  just "Opps I was supposed to turn back there." That was the last time I saw you.

The last time I talked to you I remember the whole conversation. It was a very mature conversation where we discussed options for after the summer. And me stating all the reasons why I thought you staying on here in OBX after the summer was a great option, I knew there were many more opportunities for you here. The problem is I don't remember the end of the conversation, I don't know if I said I love you, I don't know if you said I love you too. I don't remember hanging up. Why is it that I can't remember the most important words and actions. I can't seem to remember living memories, only photographs in my mind. I can't hear your voice. I have tired. The very things I need to hold on to I can't seem to find.

Since I came home I have been tough, I haven't cried much, been a walking disaster but no tears. I keep telling myself I have to hold it together I have to be tough, I have to be strong. That no one needs to see me break. Today I can't stop. I just want to hear "I love you Mommy" even if it's a memory.

To those of you reading this today.. I beg you.. even if you have already, say it every day, annoy them with it, are mad, upset, or haven't spoken to your kid for years.. call them! Tell them you love them and remind them to get their Deanna Hug.

Much Love to you all
De's Mommy
7 Comments
Kim
5/9/2013 01:54:26 am

It's OK it will come. I love you & am praying for you today. Let it go, it's going to hurt, you will cry, it's ok. It's better than holding it in. You don't have to be tough for anyone. <3 HUGS

Reply
Lauren
5/9/2013 02:07:17 am

Sending you lots of love today and always.

Reply
syl
5/9/2013 02:31:29 am

sending YOU the biggest tighest Deanna Hug!

Reply
Daddy 'P'
5/9/2013 03:19:46 am

Still cannot believe she is not here, But, I know she is smiling down on you! Love you Re'

Reply
Margaret
5/9/2013 05:05:16 am

Sending you a big Deanna hug!! Love you.

Reply
Christy
5/9/2013 09:15:59 am

Wow. Reading this is a reminder that we take too much for granted every day. We live for "the next moment" instead of being "in the moment."

Reply
Debbie
5/9/2013 11:40:20 am

Re, In time you will start remembering! Sending lots of hugs and prays your way! Love you

Reply



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