Here is my latest Facebook post in case you have any doubt that is how my brain works.
"I may never be who I was again.. but I am trying to be who I am and not just become lost in some abyss of sadness. Unfortunately that has made me realize that only those that truly loved who I was will be around for who I am now, and others will fall by the wayside, but it also opens the door to people who weren't real sure about who I was to test the waters with who I am. (yes this is how my brain works 24/7 is it no wonder I am always tired??)"
I have talked to the Talking Doctor about this (I refrain from calling her the Crazy Doctor because 1. she is not crazy and 2. she has assured me repeatedly that I am not crazy either.. although most of the time I don't believe her), there have been some determinations made, one is that yes my thoughts DO look like that, some if it I am causing, others are causing some of it, and just events are causing it. Not to mention the little fact that I happen to refuse to take my meds the way I am supposed to, I am scared to death of the Xanax, seen too many bad things, and as soon as I get to feeling a little bit better I stop one of the doses and then cut back on another. Which in turn makes my thoughts even more of a scrambled mess, and causes complete melt downs and exhaustion. When being tired all the time is one of the reasons that I don't like taking the Xanax, the Talking Dr has informed me that I am not giving my body long enough to get used to them, then I stop, lose my crap, have to start again and I am in a perpetual cycle of exhaustion.
There is some good news however, there are things I can do to help this.
First, take my meds like I am supposed to even if it means for another two weeks I have to take naps in the afternoon to get through the day until my body gets used to it, I may as well nap when not taking it anyway because my brain is so messed up I wander around freaking myself out worse, because OMG that towel is not folded, when was the last time I folded towels, why aren't these folded, did I leave these since last week, WHY is there a dirty dish in the sink, why I am not washing the dishes, when did I stop washing dishes, have I washed clothes? Oh a work email, I did I answer that yesterday, oh I did, is it the right answer, why is that towel not folded?? I think I will be better off taking the nap until that stops, because that leads to complete total melt down of sobbing for hours that started with a towel that wasn't folded, that was probably dirty to begin with.
Second, I am going to start SLOWLY doing things for ME, things I used to enjoy, even if it means I am going to take 16.5 hours to finish the Spartan, and 10.25 to finish the Diva half marathon, it is about the finish that matters. It will be hard on me, very hard on me, physically and emotionally as I have hid myself away the best I can for weeks, months, and now I am putting myself out there with a chance of failure. I have decided I am doing these things for PURE FUN..... period, I will be silly, I will play in the mud, my finish time, nor burpee count matters to me. I am GOING, that is a huge step for me, because honestly more than once I have attempted to bail out of the Spartan, but THAT is getting me NO WHERE. So today, I start very very slowly doing the things that used to give me joy of accomplishment, today I run a half a mile. Yes that sounds like such a tiny little amount considering I have run half marathons, but for me right now is a marathon. (besides every time I go out full force I hurt my legs and I don't want that to happen) I am also lucky to have someone who wants to start really slow with me, I won't be holding her back and she won't be holding me back, I am looking forward to the journey together.
Third, BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES, which I did not know was a book when I announced it the other day, I believe it is a book that I am in fact going to invest in. This is homework from the Talking Doctor, start setting up boundaries with the people who are my major stressors, I won't be calling them out by name here, as that is pointless and causes nothing but harm and hurt to them, which is not the way I operate, and the simple truth is some of them are so mean they don't care if they are hurting me or not, and others have their heads so far stuck up their own behinds that they would turn it around on me anyway. So like I said pointless, however, I will work on building these boundaries, which has been something I have never been good at in my life, again, part of what some people just aren't going to like about the who I am now. Their issue not mine, had they treated me with dignity and respect from the start I wouldn't be throwing up walls around myself due to them.
Fourth, outlets, one of these outlets is my blog, this is my place to write down my feelings, and as you may or may not have noticed it has been a little over a week since I posted. Upon finding out that someone very close to me didn't read my blog, I was hurt, I mean really who wouldn't be, so I backed off a bit thinking that maybe they were right. Then I remembered them emailing me previously that they felt that the keyboard was impersonal and that thoughts come out of keyboards to fast, and that no time is taken with the words that were written, that the universe has made it thousands of years without a keyboard and screen, but with paper and pen. Which happens to be only somewhat true, I believe thousands of years ago it was rock and chisel, then maybe some kind of paint, then parchment and ink well, then paper and pen, followed by typewriter, and now on to keyboard. The world has been evolving for years, while some may dislike technology it gives ME an outlet and the ability to share with others my inner feelings in hopes that they may be more understanding of where I am. In fact I believe that many of best selling books over the past 20 years were written via a keyboard and screen, prior to that type writer, (go backwards from there). I will continue to utilize these outlets and find others, such as a painting I am doing with a good friend next week to get the emotions untangled. I will no longer allow others to dissuade me from outlets that give me any form of relief even if to them it is not right. This is not their life it is mine, and I have to do this my way, and quite honestly since I stopped blogging I have been a terrible disaster! The last week and a half have been a downward spiral of hurt and pain.
Fifth, I have to give myself the right to be who I am right now, realize that I am not who I was before March 4th 2010 and I am even more different now since April 20th 2013. I never will be who I was before, there will be hills and valleys, hills of happiness, valleys of despair, this is part of my life now and I have to be prepared for it. Right now the hills and valleys look like this WWWWWWW, the hope is for them to start looking like W-W-W-W, then W---W---W---- , get it? But I have to allow myself to be WWWW in order to get to W-W-W and so on. If that means I am mean, forgetful, and ugly to people at times then I am sorry, it is just that tangle of thoughts in my brain overwhelming me, those that truly know and love me KNOW THAT IS IS NOT what I intend. My God Friend said I should be given at least a year of reprieve of any things stupid that comes out of my mouth, I don't necessarily agree because I really try my hardest not to hurt anyone, but the fact remains I have people spewing their stupidity at me on a regular basis, people who should be the exact ones saying WHAT can I do to HELP you? or HOW are you? and sincerely mean the questions. So if I happen to spew some crap at you, deal with it I am probably just at the bottom of a valley.
Sixth, the Talking Doctor asked me what is one thing that I want to do for me, to get out of the grind of go go go cry cry cry go go go cry cry .. I said sit on the deck all day and read and have no one bother me at all! She gave me the home work to try to make that happen, working on it, but due to scheduling it isn't looking like it is going to happen soon, however, it was also decided why do I need a whole day, why not ten minutes, five minutes, two minutes, so I have been taking the time to do this and so far it is is helping.
Seventh, along with giving me the right to be who I am right now, which is not the old me, or the new me, but something in limbo in between, I need to surround myself with people that understand this, I am working on that. But I also have to make myself understand that THIS is not going to be the me forever, this is the ME of RIGHT NOW, and taking the steps above will help launch me into a new me. I am sure there other steps will have to be taken to get there but for right now that is where and how I am. And even if they are just teeny tiny little steps at a time, I need those that love me to view them as victories, as progress, I know I won't progress in leaps and bounds, this is more of an inch and crawl life right now, I may get to leaps later.. but right now please be proud of my inches, its truly all I have.
Much love to you all!