As I logged in this morning to write a blog post this quote was in the pop up. I feel like I am not even crawling right now, I am just perpetually stuck.. well maybe not stuck.. I go two steps forward and five back. Yes I realize the bad is getting worse, it doesn't last as long but the magnitude of the bad is REALLY bad. I don't want to exist when the bad happens.
This weekend the bad happened... my fault.. I should have known better the memories were too much, the kids laughing and partying and getting ready to go to college and school.. too much.. way too much. Yes I lost it, I tried to hide it. I guess I did ok hiding it from some, others not so much. Two hours later... the only thing I wanted to do was die. Yes.. die. I am tired of living on this planet with all the ugly, all the tragedy, all the hurt. When it is bad like that I don't want to be in my skin, I can't even begin to explain how that feeling feels. I know we have all wondered from time to time where we belong, who we belong with, what job should I do. Imagine that magnified by 234542342533 and that is how it feels. Like an energy forcing its way through your veins telling your brain to move.. to run.. to get away.. but to where.. there is no where .. the hurt and pain is EVERY WHERE.
Lots of people say "She is in a better place that should make you feel better".. well yes that makes me feel wonderful, thank you very much she is in a better place and I am left in hell, and my hell creates hell for all of those around me who love me, who don't know how to help me, who are being destroyed inside because they can't bare to watch me self destruct. So yes.. thank you for reminding me. While we are at sayings.. "Learn to Cope.. Stop feeling that way.. and Get over it.. "are some of my new favorites. It takes all I have not to say really bad words when people use those on me. So far I have done pretty good until the other night. When the one person you need there for you the most comes out with "it's all in your head so just stop it", it will and does make you say some really bad things. It's not that I mean to, It's not that I am even mad at that person.. I am mad at life, at the world, at the fact there is no magic button that just shuts off the hurt.
I told my mother yesterday that I totally understand how people commit suicide now, how they become drug addicts, it is getting away from this never ending pain. I wish I was legally crazy maybe that would explain the way I feel, I wish I was locked up in a rubber room with no where to go, and only books to fall into to escape this living hell. Who knows maybe I AM crazy and just good at acting like the normal me sometimes because I was already nuts.
Yesterday I was given De's year book... it was heart breaking and beautiful, my message to her was placed in the year book even after the accident happened.. my message to her.. 1. Strive to be where the magic happens 2. Remember Mommy will always love you. The only thing I could think is that she made it to where to magic happens a very long time before I wanted her to, and I learned there is no magic circle here .. just another spot that you find isn't good enough anyway, and that my love for her will always always remain, with wonderful memories of the time we had and incredible sadness of the things that we weren't allowed.
But back to the title.. You were born with wings... I don't think I was.. I think she was, I think she was born to be an angel and was to many on Earth and to many more now that she is safely in heaven. If I had wings, I lost them somewhere, in the darkness, in the sadness. Everyone says look at the beauty of where we are.. the sunsets, rises, the waves, the nature... I say turn on the TV for two minutes and you will hear of a child beat to death, a woman left to die in the street after a hit and run, a father committing suicide after losing his child because he was a single father and was having a hard time mentally and NO ONE WOULD HELP HIM. That my friends is what I see.. I see a government that will not allow God in our schools and change the words to our NATIONAL Pledge to the flag, I see more drugs, more beatings, I see a world that allowed a beautiful bright young lady to die on the morning of her prom. That's right.. it wasn't an accident.. my daughter died that day. I wondered if anyone would ever hear me.. Deanna's accident.. Her Accident.. The Accident. An Accident you walk away from, maybe not the same but you live, she died. On that road. That morning. When all I could think was oh she probably broke her arm.. or her leg... we will be at the hospital awhile. Then I remembered the tears when my mom called... and I knew. I didn't need her to say the words but I forced her to, and over and over in my head now I hear them.. the screaming.. the crying.. "She's Dead."
How does one get over, by, cope with, deal with, the reality of their child is no longer here. That until you die you will no longer see them, hug them, or tell them you love them. Yes I know this blog is hard to read, and it is raw, and it is painful, and it may make some of you want to come over and just hug me (please don't my house is a mess). The bottom line here.. my sweet girl is gone.. my darling boy gone before her. You tell me how to get over it, because, my only prayer anymore is just to be gone. I know what you all are going to say.. Drake, Dustin, David and my Daddy need me.. and I say to you what good to them am I like this. Or maybe that God has other plans for me, and maybe he does, but I really wish that he would show me.
I hope you all are having a better day than this... and it makes me sick that today I should be celebrating the birthday of my Daddy.. 70 today.. and all I can think about is the death of my Nina... she never made it to 20.