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You were born with wings.... 

9/3/2013

6 Comments

 
Picture
My Daddy and De (she was about 10) Today is my wonderful Daddy's birthday... the only man who I have found that can hug the bad out of me.
“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?” Rumi

As I logged in this morning to write a blog post this quote was in the pop up. I feel like I am not even crawling right now, I am just perpetually stuck.. well maybe not stuck.. I go two steps forward and five back. Yes I realize the bad is getting worse, it doesn't last as long but the magnitude of the bad is REALLY bad. I don't want to exist when the bad happens.

This weekend the bad happened... my fault.. I should have known better the memories were too much, the kids laughing and partying and getting ready to go to college and school.. too much.. way too much. Yes I lost it, I tried to hide it. I guess I did ok hiding it from some, others not so much. Two hours later... the only thing I wanted to do was die. Yes.. die. I am tired of living on this planet with all the ugly, all the tragedy, all the hurt. When it is bad like that I don't want to be in my skin, I can't even begin to explain how that feeling feels. I know we have all wondered from time to time where we belong, who we belong with, what job should I do. Imagine that magnified by 234542342533 and that is how it feels. Like an energy forcing its way through your veins telling your brain to move.. to run.. to get away.. but to where.. there is no where .. the hurt  and pain is EVERY WHERE.

Lots of people say "She is in a better place that should make you feel better".. well yes that makes me feel wonderful, thank you very much she is in a better place and I am left in hell, and my hell creates hell for all of those around me who love me, who don't know how to help me, who are being destroyed inside because they can't bare to watch me self destruct. So yes.. thank you for reminding me. While we are at sayings.. "Learn to Cope.. Stop feeling that way.. and Get over it.. "are some of my new favorites. It takes all I have not to say really bad words when people use those on me. So far I have done pretty good until the other night. When the one person you need there for you the most comes out with "it's all in your head so just stop it", it will and does make you say some really bad things. It's not that I mean to, It's not that I am even mad at that person.. I am mad at life, at the world, at the fact there is no magic button that just shuts off the hurt.

I told my mother yesterday that I totally understand how people commit suicide now, how they become drug addicts, it is getting away from this never ending pain. I wish I was legally crazy maybe that would explain the way I feel, I wish I was locked up in a rubber room with no where to go, and only books to fall into to escape this living hell. Who knows maybe I AM crazy and just good at acting like the normal me sometimes because I was already nuts.

Yesterday I was given De's year book... it was heart breaking and beautiful, my message to her was placed in the year book even after the accident happened.. my message to her.. 1. Strive to be where the magic happens 2. Remember Mommy will always love you. The only thing I could think is that she made it to where to magic happens a very long time before I wanted her to, and I learned there is no magic circle here .. just another spot that you find isn't good enough anyway, and that my love for her will always always remain, with wonderful memories of the time we had and incredible sadness of the things that we weren't allowed.

But back to the title.. You were born with wings... I don't think I was.. I think she was, I think she was born to be an angel and was to many on Earth and to many more now that she is safely in heaven. If I had wings, I lost them somewhere, in the darkness, in the sadness. Everyone says look at the beauty of where we are.. the sunsets, rises, the waves, the nature... I say turn on the TV for two minutes and you will hear of a child beat to death, a woman left to die in the street after a hit and run, a father committing suicide after losing his child because he was a single father and was having a hard time mentally and NO ONE WOULD HELP HIM. That my friends is what I see.. I see a government that will not allow God in our schools and change the words to our NATIONAL Pledge to the flag, I see more drugs, more beatings, I see a world that allowed a beautiful bright young lady to die on the morning of her prom. That's right.. it wasn't an accident.. my daughter died that day. I wondered if anyone would ever hear me.. Deanna's accident.. Her Accident.. The Accident. An Accident you walk away from, maybe not the same but you live, she died. On that road. That morning. When all I could think was oh she probably broke her arm.. or her leg... we will be at the hospital awhile. Then I remembered the tears when my mom called... and I knew. I didn't need her to say the words but I forced her to, and over and over in my head now I hear them.. the screaming.. the crying.. "She's Dead."

How does one get over, by, cope with, deal with, the reality of their child is no longer here. That until you die you will no longer see them, hug them, or tell them you love them. Yes I know this blog is hard to read, and it is raw, and it is painful, and it may make some of you want to come over and just hug me (please don't my house is a mess). The bottom line here.. my sweet girl is gone.. my darling boy gone before her. You tell me how to get over it, because, my only prayer anymore is just to be gone. I know what you all are going to say.. Drake, Dustin, David and my Daddy need me.. and I say to you what good to them am I like this. Or maybe that God has other plans for me, and maybe he does, but I really wish that he would show me.

I hope you all are having a better day than this... and it makes me sick that today I should be celebrating the birthday of my Daddy.. 70 today.. and all I can think about is the death of my Nina... she never made it to 20.

De's Mommy
6 Comments
Kim Lee
9/3/2013 12:18:55 am

Father God I ask You right now to please help Ann Marie, heal her heart, speak to her mind, her soul, her spirit. Let her know it's ok to be angry even at YOU. Surround her with all of who YOU are & fill her completely with YOUR peace that surpasses all understanding. Becasue in moments like this YOUR peace can not be explained. GOD I know You hear her cry, her anquish, her pain, her numbness yelling out, so answer her, help her now I pray & ask of You for my sister like You heard David, Job, Esther, Jesus! Be what, who she needs right now. Let her KNOW YOU care, YOU hear her, YOU can heal her. Wrap her in YOUR arms & speak YOUR words of truth & love to her now please LORD! NONE of US can do this for her. We can tell her how we feel, we can hug her, we can sit silently w/ her & say nothing just to be there, we can pray & intercede on her beahalf but YOU Father God are the ONLY ONE who can help her. Jesus remind her why she was created, WHY! Holy Spirit fill her completely with all of Your power & perfect ways. God YOUR daughter is hurting & confused & suffering & needs YOU more than ever! I come to YOU on her behalf & intercede & stand in the gap for her because I love her but YOU love her way more than ANY of us ever could. Fill her emptiness & let her know, feel, hear, see, experience all of who You are in her life right now. Catch her as she falls, lift her as she wilts. Be her peace, her comfort, her rest, her healing. Be all she can not be right now in Jesus' Name I ask ~ Amen ~ <3 I LOVE YOU!

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Beverly
9/3/2013 12:42:10 am

So hard to read this. My heart breaks for you. I sit here crying because I can't imagine and don't want to think about the hurt you have in your heart because it hurts too bad to even THINK about not having one of my children here with me. There are no words that I have but I pray that God will ease your pain and heal your heart today.

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Cindy Whitlock
9/3/2013 12:48:52 am

There is nothing else to be said after the beautiful prayer from Kim. She prayed in such a powerful way what your friends have been and are still praying for, interceding on your behalf. Much love!

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Cindy
9/3/2013 01:13:50 am

Annmarie, I didn't know Deanna, but she has made a difference I my life. I was never a seatbelt wearer, but since you have started your blog my mind has been change. When I put on my seatbelt, I think of that big hug Deanna is giving me and I feel safe. Thank you for helping the rest of us realize how wonderful your daughter still is!

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Renee
9/3/2013 02:29:47 am

Kim an awesome healing prayer and God heard it! And we are all praying for Re. Re- God knows your heart and your broken and he will heal you in Jesus name, however what you are doing is the right thing, by releasing all this pain. No- few of us have or ever will experience what you are going thru and should never judge you. I can not imagine this awful pain and my prayers are for you and my arms are around you with a huge hug! No doubt your Daddy loves you and knows you love him and understands this pain. Just know you are loved and many hugs are around you! Several things - as we know God we know she is in a better place- but that doesn't heal the loss of her prescense with you right now it does help to know she is with love ones, you do learn to cope in time- or at least try to, but NO I don't think you will just get over it- its a loss of your precious child and only time and God- friends & family will help you thur each day- one day at a time. This is going to be at your pace and no one should be telling you how quickly to do handle this. I'm sure if you talk to every Mother that has had this happen it takes time- I pray that God will ease your pain as there are no words for me to say except I pray for you daily and love you & here for you with big hugs! Love you! In Jesus name I pray for Re's broken heart to be eased of this pain & feel your love around her.

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Aunt Ann
9/3/2013 07:34:00 am

I just want to say with aloud shout AMEN!!!! to all of the above replies.Re I'm hear for you and just wished I could take your hurt away.No you are not crazy.You are a broken hearted Mommy who needs time, family and friends to help you cope.You know the advice your talking doctor gave you.Stay away from your stressors particulary on days like today.Lean heavily on those praying for you and remember :In the midst of every trial,GOD is on your side.Trust Him to bring you through as He answers our prayers for you ,especially Kim's.Nothing is impossible when you put your trust in GOD!!! I know this is a difficult time for you. May you feel God's presence as close to you as Angel Wings beating gently upon your loneliness,causing it to go away

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