Give. Live. Hug.
Follow Me:
  • Re's Journey
    • Re's Journey 2011-2013
    • Re's Journey 2007 - 2011
  • Spindles
  • Cafe Mais Sha
  • De's Story
    • Photos of De
    • Signs of De
    • Deanna Hugs
  • Glimpses into my mind
  • Banx, Kittum and Fat Beagle
  • Favorite People, Places and Things
    • Family and Friends
    • Bootcamp Family
    • Favorite Places and Things
    • Me!
    • Crafties I Made
    • Deanna's Christmas Tree
  • Encouragements, Insights, and Funnies
    • Encouragement MeMes
    • Funny MeMes
    • Grief Memes
    • Favorite Postsecrets
    • Words of Support from April 20th
  • Races, Runs and other Fun Events
    • Deanna's Candle Light Service
    • Deanna's 5k 2013
    • Pretty Muddy
    • OBX Marathon 2013
  • Contact Us

Well that is annoying...

9/19/2021

0 Comments

 
Picture
What is annoying .. just about everything right now. Raw friggin annoyance.  This morning I have found that I can either type or use my mouse using my Mac... chose one. So my whole blogging set up is just a wreck at the moment. Guess I need to go get a blue tooth mouse.. I don't know. I mean it is an 11 year old Mac it has served me well I should put it out of it's misery and just buy something cheap I can blog with, but I am a stubborn old goot that has a hard time letting go of things. It will have to continue its slow death and I will have to continue with a horrific set up for now. 

Know what else is annoying.. I have a hard time letting ANYTHING go. (I'm no hoarder of trash so don't get it twisted) but my heart holds on to things that serve no purpose. Hurt, anger, pain, I gather those things around me like a blanket and settle right in.  Things I should let go so that I can let in love and light and peace.. I bless each of you with those three things as I log off but I can bless myself with them.

There is this situation, I call it that but the truth it is a complete shit show caused by the a jealousy fueled rage of another. Instead of me having the ability to just brush it off and move along about my life I have internalized and personalized it all.. again. Some how it is my fault, and I can't figure out how it is so I can fix it, because you know it is my responsibility to fix. I have to wonder.. who left me in charge? I keep telling myself over and over and over that this too shall pass that I need to move along that it just was not a good fit. But damn it.. I am hurt! Hurt for me .. hurt for others.. just plain fucking hurt. 

I put myself out there.. I believe myself to be good and kind, loving, caring and giving! OH so giving. Give and give and give.. put myself lower and lower on the pole. Each and every time, Hey Re can you.. Yup I got you! Even worse.. Hey it's Re can I help you with...

Why do I do this?

Apparently because I am a self made martyr and I enjoy it.

mar·tyr

/ˈmärdər/
Learn to pronounce
noun
noun: martyr; plural noun: martyrs
a person who is killed because of their religious or other beliefs.
"saints, martyrs, and witnesses to the faith"
a person who displays or exaggerates their discomfort or distress in order to obtain sympathy or admiration.

I always thought I shared what I felt and what I was so others would know or even understand their own feelings, or maybe understand what someone they loved was going through.  I have been stewing on this for a week now, that I am a martyr and I enjoy this and the attention it provides me.

If that is the case, why does it feel so lonely, sad, and just plain red hot rawness. I don't feel like I have exaggerated how I am feeling, if anything I have tempered it back because I am truly so full of hurt right now that I feel like a pressure cooker that could just explode.

So I shouldn't go on and on about how I grieve or how it feels. I should only display happiness... Lets just just tell you about my one sided faith so that it doesn't disturb you when you learn I believe differently. I am supposed to stop giving and put myself first. Keep myself on top of the totem. I'm supposed to stop cooking because it isn't my job to take care of anyone else. My children are grown, they were all i was charged with caring for. (not that I did a great job there).  I am supposed to let things go... let in all of the love, light and peace and keep my unlady like overly emotional mouth shut, so that I can start regarding myself as number one.

Don't offer to help, do something for you instead. Let someone offer YOU help. Let someone invite you, don't just show up and try to be part of something. Let them text first.. do not contact first! Don't write about it. Be a damn bitch... it's better than the martyr you are. Step away from people you care about to make the life of the guilty not affect you, but it does anyway, because you lost again.

You don't belong anywhere.. you belong everywhere .. put yourself first.

I don't want to be first. I just want to belong. To belong in a place where when someone says my name it is met with .. her heart is huge, not .. what's her motive? Or can you believe how annoying she is?

I can't even find comfort behind words any longer... they are all for show. Don't you feel sorry for me now? Because that is what I want you know.. you just to feel sorry for me. I don't really want your friendship or connection.. I just want you to say Poor Re. I don't really want you in my corner, or to cheer me on. I want you to allow me to stay here on the bottom looking on in pity. That's me.. thats what I want.

I'm fucking angry. I'm fucking sad. I'm fucking grieving.

But let me show you how I am putting myself first, let me be silent, let me show you how I have no emotions or feelings.

Because the world is full of Love, Light and Peace.. you know that right?

This is the end... the end of the words.



0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

        Author

    De's Mommy
    Re
    Ann Marie
    Rhiannon Phoenix Mariah Dawn
    President of the Pro Bailers

    All of them are me!

    Blogs I Love!

    Life in Mathews
    Living in the Shadow
    Fosterhood in NYC
    Post Secret
    Hyperbole and a Half
    The Bloggess

    Archives

    January 2022
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    April 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    May 2019
    April 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    October 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    September 2015
    July 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    November 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013

    Categories

    All
    #anger
    #bootcamp
    #deannahug
    #givelivehug
    #grief
    #looneytoons
    #onesaved
    #shame

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.