Happy Hump Day to you.
Please pardon the repeated photos from yesterday but they have significance that I just can not pass by today.
The group shot, the photo is so incredibly powerful to me. A group of people yesterday morning got up out of bed in the darkness, with a hint of chill in the air and met to be tortured.. lol .. to get their workout and sweat on before most people had started the coffee pot. I don't know that many of those people knew exactly what the day was, some obviously did from the start but the majority not likely until later in the day, however, that did not stop the encouragement and team work, as we stood together as one at the shore line and raised our hands in unity to the first sunrise of the season, I knew instantly yet again that I was home and with my people. (hang tight Mathews peeps). I knew that sunrise had significance in my life, that once again the sun was rising on all of the shadows that the dates of tragedy bring. That I had been right in the last 2 months, that things were different. I had actually run up the dune before the group and just watched as the sun peeked over the horizon and thought to myself, it is always darkest before the dawn... but there she is, shining.
I think I knew in that moment that I was going to allow myself the grace to celebrate my girl in ways that worked regardless of current exercise or lifestyle commitments, because life is short, so utterly short, and a celebration of life for 24 hours ish is just sometimes needed. (PS if I am off the rails next week will someone please come help me reset my sails, I do not anticipate this at all but you never know.. Ed it can't be you.. I will just cut you off at the knees)
I know I have celebrated her life this weekend in so many ways, even in all of my planting. Think about it, as I was mourning my beautiful girls last moments on this Earth I spent my time potting, nurturing, and planting new life. The symbolism is so there, and I didn't even see it until just now. As we cleaned the deck and swept away the dirt and dust of winter it allowed me to shed some of the tremendous sadness that has been binding my heart. As I signed up for my first 5k in AGES it showed hope for what the future holds and the path forward (also why I do not anticipate going off the rails.. I have training to do). As I ate some nachos in her honor it reminded me that life is too short to not eat the cake, you just don't have to eat the whole thing every day and it brought flooding in so many happy memories of times we shared. In the late evening message from someone so special to me, confessing they had prayed and prayed for peace for me yesterday was met with something different, I was thankful and grateful. It's no secret that in the years lately that my anger over losing the kids so young overshadowed any thoughts of faith, which is a very long topic for another time, but I would say that just months ago that message would have been met with a "thanks" and only a thought of "Prayer doesn't work for me". I prayed and prayed, I begged and my girl was still gone, I was still here without her, because I had spent years wavering between bring her back and let me be with her. Yet yesterday as I read my friends sweet message, I was brought to tears, realizing that sometimes it's not your own faith that gets you through but the faith of others, and I knew that throughout the day I was met with moments of calmness when the emotions were ready to brew over and that my friends was not something I had the ability to create on my own. That is a faith of a power much larger than I and I can feel some comfort in it, not just raw pain.
When I got home yesterday as I mentioned I was met with a Welcome Home sign from Deanna. I shared this with my dad as he believes in the signs as much as I and he laughed and said "Guess she is trying to tell you something" for the last year and almost a half dad has tried to convince me that I live here now and that this is home. I have adamantly disagreed. Until today. One of the things about me that many know is I have a horrendous time staying put. I am continuously on the move and just can not settle, yesterday I feel like the answer became apparent. As I stood on that beach yesterday with so many powerful people and felt the sun hit my face "I'm home" raced through my heart, as I walked through the doors of a friends store in Mathews yesterday I was met with "Welcome Home" as I was walking in the purchase items for planting roots here. The key is home is where you take your heart, home is where you find your peace, home is where you have people who love and support you, home is where you can bloom and grow, and how blessed am I to have found that in more than one location at the same time.
As the sun rose above the Atlantic yesterday and set over the Chesapeake... I knew.. I am home and that dawn has appeared.
Peace Love and Light