I want to start with the fact that I usually have images in my head that I want to use with a post or I comb through matching inspirational quotes to go with my writing, I think most know that by now but this morning a song came up and I want to share a portion of it with you all today.
If you want to
I'll make you feel something real just to bother you
Now I got you
Under my thumb like a drug, I will smother you
I'll be the one, be the moon, be the sun
Be the rain in your song, go put that record on
If you want to
I'll be the one, be the tongue that will swallow you
Shame, shame, shame, shame ~ Foo Fighters
I mean COME ON!!! How much truth can you pack in one little lyric! Shame will swallow up whole, if we allow it. I have been riding that shame train for so long it is hard to get off even though the conductor is screaming in my face that "THIS IS YOUR STOP!" I am all over here going "Naw... I think I will take another trip around just to make sure I got it all" Why do we do that?? It really ties directly into what we talked about yesterday, looking behind us and not being able to see ahead.
One of the topics that was on my bullet list is about atonement. That I am in a constant state of searching for it for this overwhelming shameful acts that I performed throughout my life. Here I am all in my head being BOTH Septa Unella (the bell ringer if anyone doesn't know) AND Cersei (the woman in receipt of the walk of shame) and what for? Literally what were those horrible things I did that keep me in this constant state of battle with myself?
I was a bad little girl - I couldn't stay clean in a dress, in fact I hated them. I probably wanted attention when others were busy. "Why can't you... fill in blank." WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?? Truth be told I was just a little girl who wasn't prim, proper, or quiet and no one knew what to really do with me and I had zero tools in my tool box.
I was a horrific teenager - I didn't listen, I broke curfew, I got in trouble, I ran around with an older crowd, I didn't and or couldn't concentrate in school and a whole host of other crap. Ended up in therapy with the worlds absolute worst therapist in history, no one knew what the hell was wrong with me, just that something was wrong and boy did they let me know it. There was one time in my entire teenage existence that I felt safe and normal and unfortunately I didn't know how to verbalize it, because being there was bad, I was bad, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
This led right into young adulthood and kept right on bleeding until here I am at almost 50 still jacked up and constantly in my own head asking WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??
Nothing that is what, nothing is WRONG with me. I am who I am. I just never had the proper tools put in the tool box to deal with who I am so that voice of the adults around me as a child and in my younger years became the tools in my head and that is what I have been using to "fix" my problems all of this time. Can you imagine using a jack hammer to unclog a sink? Yup that's me!
I am all over here jack hammering the hell out of things, trying to fix what I messed up half a century ago. "I was a crap kid, let me make up for that now but doing all things for all peoples in my family! I got this, I can do it all! No No No you don't need to do a thing I got it ALL!" Inside my brain is going, "Please see me, please see that I am not bad." and they never are going to see that or tell me that I am not bad because they don't even realize that I think they think I am bad.
I could sit here all day long and go through situation after situation of how I am seeking atonement for so many things that are decades behind me. With friends, with relationships, with jobs, with parenthood, with weight loss... oh lets hit on that one a second.
Do you know how shameful it is for me to be fat kid at bootcamp? Not because anyone makes me feel ashamed, but because my own HEAD DOES! There Septa is ringing that DAMN BELL THE WHOLE F'ING TIME! SHAME you can't run a mile. SHAME look how out of breath you are SHAME you have been doing this for 10 years and still fat SHAME you should be crushing marathons SHAME it's 10 push ups you wuss SHAME WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??
Want to know why? Because all of those preconceived notions in my own head that something is wrong with me. That I will never succeed, because I am bad. Or should I say.. "You are never going to amount to anything." Even in my own work outs which are personal and unique to every single person I am still searching for .. for what? I honestly don't even know. External validation, but from who? and Why?
Yesterday I had the pleasure of talking to my beautiful friend about her up coming marathon. She has trained and trained and trained and next weekend she will absolutely crush that 26.2 miles without a doubt. I stood there yesterday talking to her about my half mile run earlier in the day and my plan to run a 5k by my birthday in July. I didn't feel shame in the conversation, in fact I was more excited about it and the work I have been putting in to get to that 5k. Here I am talking about how I hit a 8:30 something pace for like 3 seconds and I am excited about it and girl friend runs a mile in less than that. She was excited about my hitting that pace for even a second, not once did she make me feel less than, or that something was wrong with me that I couldn't run a mile. She supported and nurtured the conversation and I stood there talking about my half mile while she talked about her marathon like they were the same thing. How did that happen? Acceptance. Of not only each other but of our own unique journeys. It's a new tool in the tool box.
I am starting to see that I am going to have to accept that I am different, have always been different, that it is and was ok to be different. It is most definitely not something to be ashamed of or anything I need to make up for, I am now and I was then just me.
As for the jack hammer, I fully intend on using it ... at least once more... to destroy that damn bell!
Signing off with this, are you fighting at battle in your own mind about something "shameful" Is it something that you can take a different view on? Take a few minutes today.. (I said a few minutes.. set a timer if you have to so you don't get lost in it) and try to look at it with a new tool.
Peace Love and Light