Good Morning my friends!

I say that as I am looking out the window at Fatty McSquirrelface, the 3 cardinals (1 male, 2 female) who are at the bird feeder happily sharing breakfast, and the crow (likely a black bird but I always wanted a crow who liked me) who is on the dock eying it all suspiciously... OH in flew another male cardinal!  The finches are boycotting, they don't like the white sock things much. I am just going to dump the food in my feeders and see if that helps. I would be amiss in not mentioning Dave the squirrel who is literally hanging upside down from a branch nibbling suet, at least Dave seems to not be spinning in circles this morning.  I feel like Rachel is standing behind me, peeping out the window. OH WOW!!!! A crow flew up cawed and sat on the branch closest to the window! That MOST definitely was a crow! Blackbirds don't caw!

It is quite the busy morning at the office water cooler, but inside I am working on just allowing myself a soft place and the grace that I need.

Yesterday was very busy, the house is clean, which was a major undertaking and accomplishment. I still have to do my office but there was working happening in here yesterday. Ed installed an electrical socket with my very own first time ever network ports so I could hard wire my work and my personal computers without cords tangling around my feet or long cables running through the house. In doing so I had to clean out a closet which now looks like an organized mess versus just OMG when you open the door. :) I painted the shelves in my space a bright cheery peachy orange. Somewhere in there I made a 2 hour Dollar General and M&M trip for plants and just stuff.  Then I made dinner. Things that didn't get done yesterday, my run, the porch, and the deck. The porch and the deck will be worked on today. The run, I made a conscious ....

Pardon the interruption but Ed walked in and pointed out that Junior (newly named) the baby squirrel was outside rolling around all of over the place and then hopping up and down with a stick and a pine cone. It was quite comical. PS Ed doesn't like the squirrels still.

Back to the run.. I made a conscious decision at some point yesterday to just allow the next few days to happen. That doesn't mean I am throwing all caution to the wind, it just means that if I don't work out again until Tuesday I don't work out again until Tuesday. It means if the porch doesn't get done today, it will get done, just not today. I refuse however to falter on my Keto, that is too important to my journey, but I am allowing a little grace with the IF, I woke up hungry.  I am not saying working out and running  aren't important they are, very much so, I am just allowing myself the soft place and grace I need to get through the right now. I have plenty of time in the next 6 months for hard core training, and frankly over the next 6 months the only traumatic dates is my 50th birthday, so I shouldn't be tripping into any huge holes. 

Interruption.. there are now 3 finches on the weird sock thing..

So anyway what I am trying to say is that I am in fact attempting to show myself some grace and find peace in it. I am acknowledging the  things I am doing this weekend are things that will vastly improve my outlook on things in the days, weeks, months to come. We are taking on a big project tomorrow at the OBX house.. if anyone is free we would so welcome to help in moving my office back up the stairs.

Signing off today with this.. I feel like even though I am still in this place of darkness I am learning to use different tools to deal with it.

Peace Love and Light!

Re

As I sat here this morning just watching the squirrels I realized my thoughts were very scattered. Like ALL OVER THE PLACE. I know this is a sign that things may not go so well, it typically a precursor to hell. When I can gather them all up and try to put them in a basket they go flying all about and the next thing you know I am a sobbing crying angry sad mess.

I need to concentrate today on all of the things that need to be done.
This house needs to be cleaned REALLY badly. The porch needs to be cleaned and made spring and summer ready. Plants need to be found and purchased. A closet absolutely MUST be cleaned out today. There is a run that needs to take place. It's a lot. The other choice is to do nothing, which won't make anyone happy, and it certainly won't help my mood.

I know I need to find some grace in this weekend. I don't know where it is, but it has to be there somewhere right?  My hope for today is that somewhere and somehow in the midst of cleaning the bathroom my thoughts untangle, because right now they feel like the squirrel that is upside down hanging from my suet feeder.. you know.. spinning in circles and holding on for dear life.

We parade it on the front porch and give it a cocktail!

GOOD MORNING MY LOVES! It's FRIDAY! 

Seriously though, the other day on the way home from Cock Island.. how can you not just laugh saying the name... Miranda Lambert's Hide your Crazy came on the radio and as you all know songs just hit REALLY hard with me. In case you don't know the song here ya go.

I cut my bangs with some rusty kitchen scissors
I screamed her name 'til the neighbors called the cops
I numbed the pain at the expense of my liver
Don't know what I did next all I know I couldn't stop

Word got around to the barflies and the baptists
My mama's phone started ringin' off the hook
I can hear her now sayin' she ain't gonna have it
Don't matter how you feel it only matters how you look

Go and fix your make up girl, it's just a break up
Run and hide your crazy and start actin' like a lady
'Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart
But this ain't my mama's broken heart

I wish I could be just a little less dramatic
Like a Kennedy when Camelot went down in flames
Leave it to me to be holdin' the matches
When the fire trucks show up and there's nobody else to blame

My mama came from a softer generation
Where you get a grip and bite your lip just to save a little face

I know my poor mama is cringing just reading this, but it is the truth. She did come from a different generation, as her parents did. You didn't share your story, your journey, your broken heart or even your sadness, you just were. She even told me once that she was sorry that the didn't give me better conflict skills. I told her that my conflict skills were spot on! She looked at me quizzingly and I said "They are perfect! In the face of conflict you just say Go F Yourself! boom, no more conflict" Obviously that is not exactly what she had in mind and the truth is that is really the jest of my confrontation skills. My version of Fight or Flight kicks in and my brain goes in over drive and the filter falters and I am going to tell you EXACTLY what I think of you and before I am done I can promise you .. you are either going to fight or take flight. Not exactly the healthiest way to deal with things but there it is, and typically at some point the conflict is resolved and there is no huge lump under your rug. I will tell you what happened, by the time that all of the generations of under the rug sweepers passed the broom to me 90% of the bristles were gone and it was only good for riding! I didn't nor do I have the ability to to be a under the rug sweeper, when I try is when I go absolutely insane (the last year is a good case in point of that) Hiding the pain that I was in, not sharing my story, drug me deeper and deeper into that darkness.

(Edit as I was reading through) You know if our family had been more open, and shared more of our own stories and journey's with each other maybe some things would have been different. Had my Aunt shared more of her weight loss journey, maybe myself and my cousins could have learned from it and not be struggling so hard with our own weights. Had my grandmother shared her story and her journey of losing her daughter maybe there would have been more tools in my tool box to get through when I lost mine. Had my mother (sorry mom) been more open about what she went through losing her sister it could have helped my boys when they lost theirs.  We have just got to stop this closed lip attitude. It has to be ok to share and be who we are. Fixing that make up can only hide the cracks for so long. (end edit)

Here is a fun fact, I write as I hear things in my head, I write like I talk. When you see .... it is because there was a slight pause that a comma just doesn't cover. Sometimes when you don't see punctuation and you think "Dear Lord! Run on sentence much?" It is because the words are coming fast and furious and I don't have time to worry with it, and by the end of the release I don't' have the energy to fix it. The very interesting thing about all of it.... is the in my head part... I can sit here and write and write and write just like I am talking to a friend and sharing my journey, my story, my soul, but if you put me in a situation that I actually have to TALK about how I feel, that is a complete different story! I met with my friend last week for coffee twice, both times I asked her to read what I wrote, the first time she obliged, the second she said "No, I want to hear your words" I was so uncomfortable, but I managed to muddle through it and I did feel better for it, but MAN it was hard! All of those years of "we just don't talk about these things" still resonate, even when someone is RIGHT THERE SAYING TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS! "Hide that crazy sweetheart"

But what good does that do anyone? It doesn't help me. It doesn't help you. It doesn't help the complete stranger that may need your story to see hope in their own. I am going to use my sweetheart of a friend Bekah as an example because I know she won't mind. Let me start off by saying Bekah is NOT crazy but she was very open about her weightloss journey. For 3 years this beautiful strong amazing human being has openly and honestly shared her journey of losing over a hundred pounds. Day after day I read her posts on Facebook saw her images on Instagram, watched as she started running, I remember the day she posted that she ran a mile in 10 minutes, I cheered as she did her first half, her second is coming up in just a matter of days. I was this crazy stalker lady cheering this chick on that I knew but I didn't KNOW.  Her story is some kind of powerful, as I watched her take her life back, at first my thoughts were, she is so much younger than I am, I won't be able to do those things again, and slowly over time her words, her actions, her workouts, her training became more realistic to me. Sure she posted these incredible photos (she is the only person I know that can run 3 miles in the heat and look like she is photo shoot ready) but she was honest in her words. She talked about how hard it was or she posted about a bad run, or a hip issue, it was the honesty that gave me the knowledge that this weight loss journey is hard, no matter your age, starting weight etc etc, but it IS doable through perseverance, commitment, determination, and being true to yourself. Her story was real, it wasn't some just before and after shot of "I lost 100 pounds on Keto" it was all of it ,the battles, the triumphs, the tears, and the laughter.  Her story gave me HOPE and when everything came crashing down 56 days ago it was Bekah that I told my story too first. 

It was when I decided to take MY life back, and there was lots of work to do and so much story to unfold and be told. Some of it so ugly, some of it I am sure my grandparents are screaming in my ear to STOP THE MADNESS WILL YOU BE QUIET! But again I say, who does that help? Last week I received a text that said:

"I just want to take a minute to thank you for all of your heartfelt posts. I read them daily - But today's was beyond what I needed to to read ----- Thank you for being you, for being raw, for being honest. You are not only helping yourself but others who are holding your hand walking right next to you. I love you my friend"

Today I woke up to this on my post from yesterday

"I needed to read this .....thank you so much for sharing your experience. Everyone should read this!:

"Her stories are so powerful! I don’t think she realizes she’s changing lives by writing them"

That alone makes every hard told story worth it ALL. I have often said that I had no idea what my life's purpose was or even is, but knowing that I have helped people makes all of the pain, all of the journey, and yes even the parading of the crazy worthwhile! So much to the chagrin of my ancestors the journey shall continue to be shared even if it only touches one more person, it is worth it!

Signing off today with this, how do I reach more people? Do I even need to? I feel like I should, but am I putting too much on my plate?

PS Bekah.. thank you for everything! As I said before I will say it again.. you are an angel on Earth.

Peace Love and Light

Re

Good Morning my Lovelies!

Boy do I have a story for you today. Yesterday was an adventure if nothing else. 

Dad and I are tying up a few loose ends from his illness and ensuring that there was no lasting damage to his heart. The doctors say that these are the last tests, I am hopeful they are because there is not an inch that has not been scanned, x-rayed, or poked on the man. So off to Norfolk we went. This particular test required a dye injection and a 3 hour wait. We chose to run to the Mart of Walls for a few items and grab something in between breakfast and lunch but not really brunch either. The little dude that was helping dad out with the tests asks him "Do you know where to go eat?" to which dad reports he told him that I am sure my daughter has something in mind. And there is our first mistake of the day.

I know absolutely NOTHING about where we are. Every other test, procedure etc we have always driven towards home before stopping, but this was new and something different had to be tried. So we picked up our wares and I started the google search. Dad is mumbling about Golden Corral which by the way was 15 miles away so you are talking 30 minutes easy. I tried to explain that I have no desire to go there, the last time we went it was pretty darn bad and trying to Keto at a buffet that is called a Corral as it is.. no thank you, I have images of pigs at a trough just thinking of it. (Sorry my love I know it is you and Henry Boo's jam but .. yea just sorry) So I am scrolling through and nothing is really striking me, lots of fast food and the couple decent looking places are in the opposite direction, then.. OH LOOK A LINK of the ten top places to eat near Norfolk General. The first place was a pizza joint, nope, the second place was super high end which I would have loved, the third, "Oh we passed that little place on the way here!" So I went about checking them out online and peeped their food pics and what type of place it advertised as Caribbean and Seafood so the name makes sense. The food pics did look nice and I saw I could grab some wings and a salad my easy peasy go to.  So off we set to Cock Island, why this was not raising red flags to me already I do not know.

As we pulled into the parking lot the little building was not a lot to look at but I try not to judge books by their covers, and there was a sweet little old man in the parking lot getting out of his car to go in (ps I do not know where he ended up) So in we go. Waitress nearly runs to the door with menus asking what we want to drink before we ever get to a table. I find that curious and odd but ok.. it's lunch I have been known ask as people were sitting down if I was busy, so nothing too bad. We find a table and dad goes off to the bathroom. In the few minutes he was gone this gentleman and I use that term so loosely stumbles his way across the room and sits right down at the table with me. My head is screaming ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION but I am absolutely frozen. I ask Buddy.. (yes his name is Buddy I know this because the waitress said "Buddy behave yourself" at least 30 times during the course of our lunch.) what exactly he is doing, he replies with sitting here. I said.. but this is my table. I have to hand it to him at this point he really tries, he glances around and says "Yea.. well there aren't many places to sit in here and I thought I could sit with you" I explain I am having lunch with my dad and he promptly gets up and the waitress again says "Buddy Behave!"

To say this place had a cast of characters is an understatement. There was Buddy the apparently resident drunk. There was the homeless dude. There was a mom and a daughter with a young kid, kinda hiding in the corner, the older mother kept running back and forth to the kitchen in flip flops. There were two young men loudly talking about ball games and one had a tooth ache. There was the couple sitting beside us who appeared as lost as we were. There was the waitress who was in the weeds the whole time. There was the redneck grass cutter who is now going to cut Buddy's grass for $30 a week and go in his house and turn on the AC if he gets hot, oh and there is plenty of beer or booze there to help himself too. There was the older gentleman in the shadowy corner who greeted everyone when they came in and left. I was in my element, dad... not so much. Shortly after sitting down he starts muttering too me, cutting his eyes and shaking his head in this disapproving way. I explain that I am sorry that the website obviously didn't advertise this as the local bar, but we had our drinks and he made no recommendation to leave so I figure we are just going to stick it out. Mistake number two.

We ordered, he ordered a club sandwich, it was actually a REALLY good looking sandwich. They had so many other options on the menu that I think he would have been happier with, I saw the fish go out it looked amazing, and the burgers I saw.. I would have given $20s for one of them, and they had THE GOOD FRIES! I made the comment that his sandwich looked good, and again I am met with the disapproving gaze, and a mutter about how it is not Golden Corral. By this point my already broken self is on the verge of tears, even in the comical scene around me, I am just crushed. Why can this man not see I am doing all I can? I didn't google where is the worst place to take your father in Norfolk. Why is this even all on me? The entire world knows I am on the verge of falling apart except him and apparently the other human that should be helping with this kind of thing. Instead of just chalking it up to, well we tried and that didn't work out so well, it was used a situation to shame me. I then was not amused, I was hurt, but do you think I said anything, nope. I kept right on nibbling my wing (which were really good). I paid we left, he again made a snarky comment about how he was glad to see his dog box was still on his truck. At this point I had the right to remain silent but not the ability, I retorted with those people don't even know what a DOG BOX IS!

Back to the hospital we go, I tried to make light of the events but he was content to fume at me some more. He laughed a little bit but not much. So we pretty much just sat in silence until they take him to get his test and then we are headed home. Me being me.. I know he is all mad and miserable so I decided to make it up to him, and took him to Surf Rider in Poquson. When we pulled in he says, "I'm not hungry!" I said "And I'm not cooking tonight". He then agreed that he could try a little something. I got the salad that I love and he clam strips which he ate all of by the way, as he ate his meal he was more talkative and his mood was lifting. We finish up and by the time it was time to check out I thought the events of the morning were behind us. Mistake number three.

We head out on out journey back home and not 2 miles from the restaurant he pipes up and says. "Well I am sure glad the day ended better than it started!" Oh great.. we are back here again. I responded with "Well you know it is always an adventure with me" He comes back with, "I don't know what you were thinking? Taking ME to a place like that! I think you could have done better than that!" I sat there for a minute thinking well... "you aren't exactly a royal dad.." but I didn't say it. Instead I said this. "I have told you and told you, I didn't know anymore about that place than you did when I walked in" He says well you didn't try to leave either. "No dad.. and neither did you. Besides you are looking at this all wrong." He attempted to interrupted and I said "No.. you are looking at it wrong period. You are right we could have had Golden Corral, we could have gone to Norfolk, gone where you wanted to eat, gotten the test and come home. Nothing eventful and boring. Three months from now you would not even remember this day, because it would have been nothing more than any other day. This day now.. you will never ever forget, when you are dead and gone I can promise you I will remember the day I took my 77 year old dad to a dive bar for lunch and I will laugh remembering the cast of characters, it is highly unlikely that I would have remembered Golden Corrals over cooked chicken. Today was what you made it, you made it something to be mad about, not an adventure to remember. You also made the comment that dinner was so much better than your lunch was, ok yes I will give you that, your hand battered clam strips were amazing, but would you even know that if everything was always good, how would you even know what good was if you didn't eat a not so good sandwich from time to time... (the sandwich was not bad.. I am telling you I don't think I have ever seen a more delightful club sandwich)" There is a deafening pause when I stopped talking. to which my brain was again screaming ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION. I am waiting on the chastising comment but instead dad laughs and says.. "You're right"

Dad was so hung up yesterday on how that lunch went that he let it just overshadow everything else. I understand that, the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree. I get so hung up on my weight and how i got here that I can't see the strides and progress I am making. I get so hung up on their deaths that I can't see the memories that I have, or even move ahead to making new ones. I get so hung up on the bad that it overshadows everything and I can't seem to remember that without the rain we would never appreciate the sun. Without the dive bar, we would never know adventure.

I don't know who that person was that was talking yesterday, but she made some really great points, I think I want to be her friend. Because in her words she understands that the problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.  I also realized one final thing this morning, no mistakes were made yesterday, every thing happened exactly as it should have, without them, I would not have the memory of this day.

I am signing off today with this, if you ever find yourself in Norfolk needing a place to eat, only go to Cock Island if you are looking for adventure, because it is clearly not a place for royals.

Peace Love and Light

Re

Good Morning beautiful!  (or handsome as the shoe may fit)

Have you noticed I am TRYING something new? I am trying to start the day with "GOOD MORNING!" My mom has been calling or texting me nearly every morning and it usually begins with a sing song Good Morning or a text with an ! at the end. The first few times I saw it I brushed it off as .. ugh.. gross.. simply because it was not a good morning,  not at all. Then I thought about it, and the likelihood that she was actually having a good morning was slim and the resounding cheerfulness was for my benefit, in an attempt to start my day "on the right foot" as she used to say. (Side note try as I may I can not get Ed to talk to me the way Derek talked to Penelope.. I mean that would do so much to start anyone's day off better right???)

I have off of work today, which I am grateful for. Taking dad to Norfolk for a test, nothing major just making sure that his heart has no damage from when he was sick. Even if it does it is medicinally treated, so nothing to worry about, but if you do that praying thing, or jedi thing, or vibe thing.. we wouldn't mind a few.

I mentioned yesterday that I listened to a Peloton bike ride while riding the lawn mower. It was an easy ride for me but really hard at the same time. I mean she had us close our eyes for quite awhile... kidding just kidding I didn't close my eyes. The message itself was good but hard. It was all about letting go of the numbers, she didn't want anyone looking at their metrics during the ride, she asked that it be a free ride and that you pushed yourself to where you needed to be. She asked that each day before your ride that you free yourself from burdens and set your intention of the ride and at least once a week free yourself completely of those numbers and just ride free.  I so need to do that at least once a week on my runs. I am robbing myself of the enjoyment of the run if every time I am honed in on the numbers of it. How far did I run before I stopped? What is your pace? You are running to fast to make it to the .4! You running too slow for your splits. You didn't start your watch! You didn't stop your watch! Granted it gets me out of my own mind and my own head but it also does not allow me time to enjoy my surroundings or even the music. I have been stealing from myself. So what am I going to do about it? Saturday's are my longer runs.. yes this week starts that little journey, longer runs are not about speed they are more about how far. I am going to wear my watch for distance and consistency but I am going to force myself to cover it up until I hit my wall. That is my plan.

The next part of the message was about the scale, well it was just a few minutes but it was a very LOUD message. "The scale is not your compass it doesn't know your true north" if that isn't the truth! For so long I have nailed myself right on that damn number, and for years, nearly a damn decade now, that number has not seen a 1 in front of it, I get soooooo close then sabotage the whole thing, this time to the tune of 50 lbs. The last week or so, it may be about 10 days now, the scale has just hovered and fluctuated between the same 3 pounds... up .. down.. up .. down.. I am so close to 20 I can feel it but that scale will NOT give up that last 3 pounds to get there. This morning when once again it was up a pound I was annoyed. I instantly started in on WHAT AM I DOING WRONG??  Why is this thing not moving, I record everything, I have NOT gone over my carbs in over 36 days, I am doing IF like a master, and stuck! Maybe it is the vitamins, maybe it is this, maybe it is that! No you idiot you are using the scale as your compass, but it doesn't see that you have been doing a bazillion bicep curls, it doesn't see that you have been doing a million squats, lunges, kettleball throws (that is a new thing I made up) it does not see that you are running. That number does not see that you are building muscle. It does not see that even though it was incredibly hard you got up every morning for the last 2 weeks. It does not see that the pair of fun jeans with the green flowers that you could not get over your ass 2 weeks ago, you now can. It does not see that the other pair of jeans you could not button you happen to be wearing today. It does not see that in the same 10 days you have decreased your mass by 7.25 inches for a total of 16.25 inches since you began. The scale does not know my true north which happens to be success in spite of the number it is displaying. I absolutely HAVE to remember this.

PS Sir McSquirrel Phace is staring me down through my office window, "Fatty McFatterson" apparently doesn't want me judging him either.

Remember I told you there were two Grey's quotes this week, well here comes the next one and it ties right into what I was just saying!

"There’s a problem with trying to understand every mistake you have made. You can’t. 
And trying to robs you of your life. Your plans. Your future. 
Plus you can’t really learn from your mistakes if you stop moving forward. 
It’s scary it’s uncertain but you’ll find something pretty special there. Hope."

So here I am this morning standing on that scale and the first thing that went through this brain of mine was "What are you doing wrong?" I had to find the mistakes that I made that are making the scale stuck, sound familiar?  One of the biggest hang ups I have "What did I do or did I not do that made this all happen?" I have looked at each and every thing I have ever done, from the moment that Deanna was born, the moment that I met Little Dustin, hell as far back as to when I was a little girl myself, looking for all of the mistakes that I made and picking them apart and trying to find that exact point where the mistake was made that set the ball into motion to rob these beautiful beings of their lives. In the process of trying to find the mistake just like the quote says, I robbed myself of my life, my plans and my future. I have been so hung up on what it was that I did wrong and doing wrong, that it was impossible to see anything else or even move ahead.  Because of this, I have had absolutely no hope, none. There was no hope at a future or that I would succeed at any part of my journey, and it has been so utterly unfair of me to seek out a future in others when I didn't even see one myself. For that I apologize. 

Yesterday I ran into someone I find truly special. I don't think he really knows or understands it, sometimes I don't either, it was just another random run in as most of our "visits" are. Happened in the food lion parking lot. We stood there and talked maybe 10 minutes at the most. In those 10 minutes we both shared some pretty powerful things just right there amongst the buggies and cars. When I pulled out I was no longer beating myself up for laying on the dock instead of doing that strength set, I was smiling, I was lighter, all because of his words, his complete concern and honesty.  I saw this same thing last week in a friend, excitement, not for themselves, but to see me truly trying. OPB, thank you, just thank you for being you and my ray of hope yesterday.

Something I am starting to see is that hope does not always come from within. Sometimes it is little rays of star light that pierce the darkness that we are in, because we are looking for it and not counting our mistakes again.

Signing off today with this, are you too busy counting your mistakes to see the stars? Can you take a moment to set those aside and just maybe look for twinkles of hope?

Peace Love and Light

Re

PS no time to proof read so if this is a mangled mess I apologize!!!

Good Morning,

Yesterday was a full day. I did go back to work, I worked out at noon, I cut grass when I got off, I made dinner and by 8 pm I crashed, by 9 I was asleep, even after 8 hours when the clock went off I struggled to make my feet hit the floor. I still feel very tired, but things just have to get done, the grass was so tall I lost Banx yesterday morning. I was searching for something, accomplishment. I know I was. It used to feel really good to get off of the mower and look across and see everything neat and manicured, yesterday it felt it didn't feel like an accomplishment at all. Maybe it will be better this weekend when it is weedeated and the neighbors is also done, and there are some flowers, it just felt rushed and half assed.

The good thing about the grass cutting is I had plenty of time to listen to a really great Peloton ride (I was riding a lawn mower after all) it was full of inspiration and just some things that I needed to hear. I then decided I was going to listen to a book, I did this all last summer and it just made the time more enjoyable. As I flipped through my library eyes fell upon the last book my aunt recommended that I just couldn't finish, I am still not ready to finish it, a scrolled down.. and there is was. Unf*uck Yourself by Gary John Bishop. I had started this sometime way back and my friend has recommended a book by a similar title so I said maybe it is time, maybe your brain is open to the thoughts and processes now. I do remember listening to the book before but little of the content, after yesterday's listen I will be going back and listening again, there are some notes that need to be taken.

The one thing that just captured me yesterday was the art of winning and our subconscious. Please forgive me if I mangle this a tad bit, I did not take notes because I do still enjoy the daffodils and didn't want them mowed down. Here is small excerpt:

''The Stoic philosopher Seneca once said,
‘It is the power of the mind to be unconquerable’.
Right now, your mind is unconquerable when it comes to proving that you’re not worthy of love, that you’re lazy, or that you’ll always be out of shape or never have any money.But if we change our thinking a little, we can use our mind’s unconquerable nature to act on all the positive goals and dreams we hold for ourselves. We are wired to win – we just have to point ourselves in the right direction so we can win at something we consciously choose.''

There was so much more to this particular chapter but the basis is that our brains are wired to be winners, regardless of the game you are playing. Myself.. how many times have you all heard me say things like:

I am fat.
I am stuck.
Life went on and I didn't.
I don't know how to live in the after.
My job is stressful.

Subconsciously those things and many more are swirling around my brain on repeat all day long every day and I am winning the fuck out of them. Over and over and over I have been winning at losing because I had no belief in myself and out of complete fear.

I am fat. - I was "fat" even when I was not fat, because I was not as thin as my family, I was put on a diet before I even got to high school, my brother called me horrendous names when we were kids, etc etc etc and I just completely believed it. All of it and have for almost 50 years. I am going to give you an example of how messed up my head is about my size and this was nearly 25 years ago. I went shopping with a girlfriend and we went to Lane Bryant I picked out these clothes and started toward the dressing room. The attendant stopped me and said "I don't think we have anything here to fit you" She wasn't being mean or ugly she was attempting to point out that I did not need the sizes in clothes I had chosen. I waved her off and went right in that dressing room and tried on these clothes that in no way fit me at all. Walked out buying 3 sweaters that would have fit Ippy and the only pair of leggings they had that would stay up on me. I did this same exact thing not 5 years ago at the Dress Barn. I was explaining how I had purchased a pair of pants but they felt horrible on me, they bunched and rubbed, the clerk asks me what size and when I told her she said well, that would be because they are 3 sizes too big for you, I scoffed at that notion and bought the pair a size down, guess what.. they bunched too. I was completely winning at being fat, and to this day I still am. Do you know what happened with those clothes? They eventually fit, because I was not doing the things that needed to be done to not be fat, and even when I was trying to do those things I was still so hard on myself that I self sabotaged and stayed .. you guessed it.. fat.

But why? Simple.. I am scared to death to be anything else because it is all I mentally know. Even when I was running half marathons (more on that in a moment) I was the fat girl running. It wasn't "Hey! I just finished a half marathon!" It was yea I finished it but I was slow because I am a fat girl, if I weighed less the time would have been so much better. Even the accomplishment of a marathon was over shadowed by my size as I know I could have performed better, but I was so mired into being the fat girl, no matter how much I ran or worked out I was winning at finishing and being fat. (Please don't come at me for using the word fat .. I am working through something here). Someone once told me that I was not fat fat, but I was athletically fat and I felt the label was correct, so there I stayed. Working my ass off in the gym but seeing little change or improvement because subconsciously  no matter how much work I was putting in consciously I was sabotaging it all to just be what I knew.

I keep posting these photos of "fitspiration" outfits. Outfits that I really want to wear, or I find cute, but in the back of my head each and every time I see one, I can not for the life of me picture myself in one, or if I do it still looks horrible, because fat.  I look at them and think, you can do this for the next 10 years and you still won't look good in that, you are likely never going to lose the weight anyway and even if you do, aren't you a bit old for that now? You will look ridiculous. You aren't a girly girl, you can not pull that off. You have to be tough.. isn't that what they said when your feelings were hurt? You got to be tough. Tough isn't thin. Stay fat.. you are stronger that way.

This gets so out of hand.

Let's look at the half marathon thing for a minute, for the last 9 years I have been running and or walking half marathons on a whim. I have not trained well for any of them, I just went out and did them. After that first one back in April of 2012 I just kept doing them, because I would always think, "I can do a half, no problem" it may not have been fast or the greatest ending but I always believed I could finish it. Last year some switch shifted and I heard myself saying "I couldn't finish a 5k if I tried" I said that multiple times... and guess what my ability to go out here and just do a half.. gone. I won at not being able to... I did not do the things that would enable me to maintain what I had built so that I could finish a half.

My point in all of this is, he was astoundingly correct. I am winning in so many areas of losing. I am not sure how to fix that yet, I know it is a change in mind set, that I need to see myself differently and not be afraid of the changes, I am just not sure the steps to take to get there. I am working on it though. I used the weight and fitness areas today because they were just easier to talk about, I am not ready for the others yet, they will be faced. Just not today.

Signing off with this... I am beginning to realize the problem is not the problem the problem is my attitude about the problem.

Peace Love and Light

Re

"At all cost we avoid negative experiences.
We ignore pain. 
We stir clear of the unfamiliar.
We lie when we ask about how we feel. 
We shouldn’t do that. 
Cause I have learned something from these last several months. 
The body can only take so much."
~Grey's In the Life

Hi there! Happy Monday to you all!

Tired morning here. Did I do too much after getting home? Of course I did. I wanted a fresh start this morning. I wanted to log in from my new space and be able to say I changed something in my time away from work that would help me balance work and I did. In true Re fashion it couldn't just be a project that slowly came together it had to be RIGHT NOW, not to mention there were people watching so I couldn't just lay around like a slug. Even in all of the brutal honesty that I am able and capable of putting to paper, I don't want people to see it! Even the people closest to me, which is very likely why I am so damn exhausted.

I worked and worked and got the office straight, I cooked an amazing lunch, worked and worked some more. I hung bird feeder outside of my window. I built shelves (yes Ed helped I was getting a bit frustrated and then he got frustrated but we got it done). I now have a sweet little office that is filled with things that make me smile. Even my very own little model boat that Ed surprised me with yesterday. Someone who doesn't even know me had it made for me and it is the best little addition to my room. Once Ed left for Richmond.. CRASH.

I said to myself .. Self.. clean up the kitchen. Self said Take a minute sit down. I didn't really move again. He left about 330. I slept until he got home and then I tried to watch TV in 5 hours I managed to choke down 2 episodes of Grey's. There was lots of pausing going on. I was invested I wanted to see what happened and I also wanted something mindless, but even mindless I was having a hard time concentrating on, by 830 I was just done and the puppies and I went to bed. It was an eventful night full of dreams, strange ones and such, I remember at one point in my dream I thought. Wow.. will be glad when this night is over so this stupid crap will be done. When I woke up this morning it took all I had to get up. I know this is because a body and mind can only take so much.

Anyone who watches Grey's knows about the little snips of dialogue at the beginning and end of the show. Yesterday both episodes ending dialogues were so "loud" that I simply knew they were meant to be heard then and by me. I feel like I need to point out that I am not deranged enough to think someone wrote those specifically for me, they just fit so well with what I am going through that I will be using both as fodder this week. Let's look at the one I used today again shall we?

"At all cost we avoid negative experiences.
We ignore pain. 
We stir clear of the unfamiliar.
We lie when we ask about how we feel. 
We shouldn’t do that. 
Cause I have learned something from these last several months. 
The body can only take so much."
~Grey's In the Life

Here I am going through all kinds of hell mentally, it is no secret to anyone, especially if you are reading my posts because of all things I am not the one big thing I am is honest and open in my writing, well maybe a secret to my Dad, maybe, for all I know he knows and I don't know he knows. Either way all weekend I ignored that pain, I didn't cry in front of anyone, I did and did and did, and while I fully believe that getting up and out and doing something is good for the soul when you are already in a full out war with your mind it is likely not the best time. So why would I do that? Because it is was unfamiliar territory, I am the person who goes and goes and goes and does and does and does, and if I stop I am no longer me and I may have to let them see the side of me that physically can not move, and to me it would be a horrific experience for anyone to actually see me that way.

But what happens when we do that? A vicious cycle that is what. We aren't allowing ourselves the time to work through the experience, to heal from the war that is waging because we are so busy hiding the pain and lying to everyone around us that when they are gone and we DO have time to handle our business and deal with our pain and what ever battle is happening we are too damn tired to do so.

The very last line, it says it all. "The body can only take so much." I don't read this as simply the physical body though that too is included I read this more as all encompassing, our physical, mental, and spiritual body can only take so much of this yo yo without losing ones self in the process. My goal is to be more honest and forth coming. To be able to say to my people the truth, that simply no I am not ok when they ask, instead of the normal "I'm good" or "I'm fine". To be able to gracefully say to my family, "I know I am in the middle of a project or that it is time for dinner or insert any other thing that I expect they expect out of me, but I really need 30 minutes to just be still."  If I don't learn this action I am truly afraid of where it may lead.

I have my plan laid for this week in regards to work and working out, I will be right back on track this week with the knowledge that if I can not stick to the plan 100% that it is not a failure but grace in a time it is needed. I need to be reminded of that often. I also have my plans for the coming weekend and Deanna's angelversary. For a few years we tried to take a trip and get away but last year Covid happened and it just isn't feasible, so we are going to be here at the house getting it ready for summer, in the end it will be an accomplishment and she will have pretty flowers in her memory all summer long.

Signing off today with this, are you feeling overwhelmed in some aspect of your life? Can you allow yourself the grace to take a break just for a few minutes?

Peace Love and Light

Re

Happy Sunday Morning!

There is sun shining,  birdies chirping, I have a new roomie and I am NOT coming to you live from the kitchen table!

Yesterday before heading back to Mathews I stopped and had coffee with one of my sweet friends and in the process I saw her home office and totally knew I needed that in my life. I have struggled with where and how to pull this off in Eastern State (he calls it the Eastern Estate but I think mine is much more fitting circumstances considered) and after seeing her beautiful set up I was determined to make it happen. So I did.

Things didn't quite go as planned on my trip home and we ended up with a Jeep at the dr's office to undergo some procedures and that ate up some of my time but when I got here I began destruction and construction. Granted I no longer have a "guest room" but I do have a hide-a-bed that isn't so hidden so that we can still have guest comfortably stay. My view has changed a bit but there is still water right there in front of me and there is plenty of light shinning in. Today I will move some of my little bird feeders so i can see them from my window. I had stopped at Mom's on the way home and grabbed a table from her to try to make this happen but as soon as I set it up Ed says.... Why don't you use the little wooden table from the porch BOOM! PERFECT PLAN. My monitors and keyboard fit on it perfectly. Then everything else just fell in place. Next steps are to full out copy my friend and build myself some shelves! I don't think she minds, I think if she could she would come and build them :)

I think the office set up will help me be able to walk away from work at the end of the day, as it is just not RIGHT THERE IN YOUR FACE. There won't be any .. "Oh just log in for a second before Jeopardy comes on" only to find myself still there at 9 pm. It will take a more conscious effort and hopefully time for my brain to register that there are more important things. The office also provides me a place to write and release that isn't just right there in the open, more of a little safety blanket that I again can walk away from when the writing is done. (queue Kenny Rogers in my head) I am anxious to see how it feels this coming week.

I did make one final stop yesterday on the way home and that was to have coffee.. (yes I was beyond caffeinated when I left) with Phyl. There was serious talk, comedy, fear.. we lost Banx. Twice. (side note both times he was not a foot away from either of us) A few weeks ago P presented me with our 50th birthday gift which was a pendant created by one of our favorite jewelers Charles Albert. I told Ed there is no way in the world I would ever find anything as cool as those were. He tried to remind me that it was not a competition, I said "No but.. it's still got to be cool!!!" a few days later on to my facebook lawn should appear... No not Santa.. but ELLY!!! Elly Ehrnest posts these absolutely amazing skulls and immediately I shot her a message saying DO NOT LET PHYLLIS BUY ANY OF THOSE!! We spoke a bit about them and I told her to let Deanna lead her with mine. She did and they turned out INCREDIBLE!!! So yesterday morning I presented P with hers. As Elly was creating these I had named them already Myrtle and Mildred, but as soon as I saw them I knew that was not their names at all.

Please welcome Maggie and Milly to the family. Maggie lives with me and Milly with P, their names came directly from:

maggie and milly and molly and may
went down to the beach(to play one day)
and maggie discovered a shell that sang
so sweetly she couldn't remember her troubles,and
milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;
and molly was chased by a horrible thing
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles:and
may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone.
For whatever we lose(like a you or a me)
it's always ourselves we find in the sea

It just felt right! Thank you Elly for doing a wonderful job!! They are truly amazing and they will be cherished.

I am signing off today with this, in spite of all that has been going on lately I still have stuck to my plan for eating, (17 lbs down in case you were wondering) working out this last week was a bit off kilter but it needed to be so that I could help heal other parts of myself. Tomorrow will begin another week and hopefully better days to come. Right this moment I am feeling recharged from my trip and ready to keep trying.

Have a beautiful Sunday.. wish me luck on these shelves..

Peace Love and Light

Re

Good Morning,
 
I am quite exhausted this morning, as I was last night, I even went to bed before 9 and still just .. dragging.  There is much to do this morning.  Packing up to head back to VA, some goat snuggling, etc etc so I need to shake it off. Yesterday was my appointment with a therapist, I call her a therapist because I had not yet decided if I would keep her, in an hour she said some things to me in ways that I just never looked at, or had the ability to look at, not sure which.  Of course yesterday was simply a grain of sand in the hour glass, a drop of water in the ocean but it of course began with where I am at the moment and some of the back story of the kids.

She asked me what it was exactly I felt when I thought of them, I quickly said guilt and regret. Without moving on from there she asks me, why that is what I felt. Simple I could have done more, I should have tried harder, I should have fought harder, and they would have been safe. She says.. really? How? What would you have done different those days that could have changed what happened? I had no response. She says I can tell you.. nothing. She then asked if I was driving either vehicle. No. I wasn't. Did you have the kids wear seatbelts any time they were with you. Yes yes of course. I am going to ask you again what could you have done any different that day to stop a 15 year old from jumping in a car with a friend, to stop a 19 year old from being carefree and forgetting her seat belt. My response was if I had fought harder they wouldn't be where they were and it would not have happened. She tells me that we don't know that, there is no way of knowing that it still would not have happened. She then says.. you are seeking something you are never going to find.. you are looking for atonement for their deaths when there is no fault.

That was all of 10 minutes max of the conversation, the rest was nearly as painful. We talked about why my kids were not with me when they were little, what led to those choices, and how I feel so much guilt over it and how that I was just a horrible mother and it was me who set all of these things into motion. She said something that floored me. I think I sat there with my mouth just hung open. She said just in the few minutes we have talked, I am not hearing that you were a horrible mother, what I am hearing is that you made choices for your children then that seem so wrong now because you are looking at it in the context of who you are today, not who you were then. What I am hearing is that you were a young mother struggling in many ways, not just financially, the likelihood you were going through episodes of mania and depression then is high, you made choices to keep your children safe, even if it meant they were away from you, that isn't a horrible mother, that is a incredible mother.  I am still not sold on that, but looking at it through her eyes it looks different. Again that was another 10 minutes. Do you see why I say I was and am exhausted from this?

There was more I wish I had taken notes, because it was just a whirlwind but yesterday was not about repairing it was the beginning of identifying. I am sure all of the things we spoke about will circle back around. In the end, she had become my therapist. I really liked her, I liked her vibe, I liked the way she spoke, not pushy yet forceful, with emotional but not pity.

I met with one of my beautiful friends yesterday morning for coffee. Her beauty is not just in her appearance but it also radiates from her heart just surrounding her in this light.  So we are talking and she goes.. You know you do that Robin Williams thing. (forgive me if my quotes are slightly off my brain is operating in a fog) I was like say what now? She goes, you flip a switch so that no one sees what is really going on. In the middle of talking with her I called dad and she said I wish I had recorded that, you were two different people. My response was, because my dad doesn't know. (again forgive the punctuation today I am just too tired to care). I then tell her about work and how they don't understand that they nearly broke me and she says "How would they?" and I was reminded of what my co worker said, "We all see you so strong and confident.. " For weeks and weeks I was all I am good I am great.. look at me doing all of the things!!! All of the things were good and great, except they weren't, if they were I would still be good and great, sometimes I think I am so good with the switch that even I believe it.  I don't know that it is a completely bad thing that I do this, but it can't be completely healthy either. I mean.. it is kinda like having some horrible disease and telling everyone you are perfectly healthy until you end up in the ICU nearly dead, and then going .. well I didn't want to burden you.  How can you get any help and support if you are over here going.. HEY LOOK AT ME WOOHOOO I AM WONDERFUL! When inside your soul is crushed.  I need to be better at communicating what I need, because expecting others to see and just do is unrealistic, especially when I veil the truth. Sure I write about it like a mad dog but if you see me, I smile and chat and want to hear about you and your life, or I am doing for you, cooking cleaning, and meeting all the expectations you have of me and you just don't see what is really happening. I don't think that is fair to anyone.

So as I said by 4 pm yesterday I was just plain exhausted but there was so much good in it all. My therapist validated so many of the things I have been writing about, how I feel stuck, she said that I feel it because I am. She even said you have a fear of moving because you are afraid of losing all of your memories, lady friend doesn't even know I write (well she does now) so she had zero way of knowing I had written that this week. She really was a crazy good fit, and has already started on a plan of action to get me in a better healthier place, for these things I am scared and excited, but it is better than where I have been for so long.

Signing off with this today, I know today's post was a bit scatter brained,  I am sorry, I hope that it at least shows I am getting help.

Peace Love and Light

Re

Over the last week I have really struggled with distancing myself from work. There is this one thing that I absolutely have to do every morning and usually I end up glancing through emails and I have taken a few calls. I still feel like I am being very unfair to my work team. Which is so confusing, I almost wrote comical but there is nothing funny about it. Eight years ago I allowed myself 5 days away from work when the accident happened, 5 days, to process and put away the absolute destruction of my entire world. I remember wanting to take longer, I remember reading in forums and groups of mothers who had taken weeks, months, etc to just heal and I was envious. I wanted that extra time then, it felt ok to take the time at the time because I had a good valid reason, but I also remember hearing, "You need to get back to your routine" and "It won't do you any good to take off the time it will make you worse" and my favorite yet "I don't know how you think you will do that you have bills". So I did not take the time, I still to this day have not taken the time.  Even when on vacation I have my computer close by, I take the calls, and I do a few little things, but why? Absolute fear they won't need me, or they will see that it is easier without me, because we wear our burn out like a badge of honor these days, and that needs to stop. This time though it is a bit different.

It sounds absolutely ridiculous to say "Hey, you know those things that happened 11 and 8 years ago? Yea well I need to take care of those now. I need to work through my grief". How do you even go about saying that, when you have prided yourself on working insane amounts of hours and are expected to be the yes girl?  Lets think about it for a moment. Can any one you think of a loved one you lost that in the first few days after passing you actually dealt with it? Or was it a month, a year, or some time later that it full on hit you like a freight train?  Why does it seem so abnormal to be able to state, I am really grieving right now and I need some time away? Yet it is just fine to say "Hey I was skateboarding the other day and fell and broke my leg, I will be out for 3 weeks" and just like that .. poof they are gone. We have absolutely got to normalize mental health, there should be no stigma attached, but oh the lovely media has a field day with stories don't they?

When we hear bipolar (using this diagnosis just because I know a thing or two about it) we have been trained by media to think of someone frantically doing things in a manic episode to a total crash and the inability to move in a depressive episode. That is just absolutely not the case, sure maybe to the extreme but most of us live pretty normal and high functioning lives. Manic episodes look more like, cleaning like crazy (maybe turning all the food cans in one direction in alphabetic order) filling our calendars so full that we have 0 down time, becoming obsessed over something, it could be a knitting project, it could be a deck spring clean, we could take on the work of 2 people at work because we can't say no,  we may spend too much money, but to someone who does not live with us daily, you likely would not even notice the episode.  A true depressive episode looks more like exhaustion that anything else, the house may not be as clean as it was, the laundry may be unfolded and just thrown about in piles, our hair may be a bit of a mess, we may not stick to a work out routine because it feels so sluggy, but most of us keep right on trying to do the majority of what we do on a normal basis, we go to work, we do the best we can to keep up with everything but it does feel overwhelming but again to someone who does not live with us on a daily, we look lazy.  Why is it not ok to even talk about this?

There are many theories on the matter but mine is quite simple. Mental health institutions were abused and over run by cases that simply didn't not belong there, your wife read too much, institutionalize her. Your son can't learn to read, institutionalize him. I have a list somewhere of all of the things that you could have someone involuntarily committed for and it was absolutely ridiculous. It should have just read, have someone in your life you want to get rid of, we have an open cot and some torture waiting!  It was bad enough they were over run by patients that didn't belong there, but with the lack of resources to care for these humans, they were treated in such ways that drove them quite mad, experiments and lobotomies and horrors that you just would not believe were performed on housewives that did not want to have children or your old boss who had an affair.  So eventually they were shut down one by one, only one little problem, there were people who truly needed help, Opp so sorry, can't help you. We threw the pendulum so far to the other side that instead of it being normal to "get help" that there just was no help to get.

Trust me, I get it those hospitals and doctors were a horror, but instead of closing the doors, we should have looked at what exactly was needed and reformed. Allowed for those that needed specialized care to receive it in caring setting, allowed for others that simply needed a reset and a help over the hump to be able to freely express where they were mentally as normal as it is to say "Hey I broke my leg".

It should be quite normal for me to say, "This grief thing, I really need to face it and work through it, and reset my heart, my mind, and my body, it is time, I am ready." We should be able to ask for help and take the time without fear. Why have we made this so abnormal?

Signing off today with this, this post went absolutely no where I thought it was so just take it for what it is and have a beautiful Friday!

Peace Love and Light

Re