Have you noticed I am TRYING something new? I am trying to start the day with "GOOD MORNING!" My mom has been calling or texting me nearly every morning and it usually begins with a sing song Good Morning or a text with an ! at the end. The first few times I saw it I brushed it off as .. ugh.. gross.. simply because it was not a good morning, not at all. Then I thought about it, and the likelihood that she was actually having a good morning was slim and the resounding cheerfulness was for my benefit, in an attempt to start my day "on the right foot" as she used to say. (Side note try as I may I can not get Ed to talk to me the way Derek talked to Penelope.. I mean that would do so much to start anyone's day off better right???)
I have off of work today, which I am grateful for. Taking dad to Norfolk for a test, nothing major just making sure that his heart has no damage from when he was sick. Even if it does it is medicinally treated, so nothing to worry about, but if you do that praying thing, or jedi thing, or vibe thing.. we wouldn't mind a few.
I mentioned yesterday that I listened to a Peloton bike ride while riding the lawn mower. It was an easy ride for me but really hard at the same time. I mean she had us close our eyes for quite awhile... kidding just kidding I didn't close my eyes. The message itself was good but hard. It was all about letting go of the numbers, she didn't want anyone looking at their metrics during the ride, she asked that it be a free ride and that you pushed yourself to where you needed to be. She asked that each day before your ride that you free yourself from burdens and set your intention of the ride and at least once a week free yourself completely of those numbers and just ride free. I so need to do that at least once a week on my runs. I am robbing myself of the enjoyment of the run if every time I am honed in on the numbers of it. How far did I run before I stopped? What is your pace? You are running to fast to make it to the .4! You running too slow for your splits. You didn't start your watch! You didn't stop your watch! Granted it gets me out of my own mind and my own head but it also does not allow me time to enjoy my surroundings or even the music. I have been stealing from myself. So what am I going to do about it? Saturday's are my longer runs.. yes this week starts that little journey, longer runs are not about speed they are more about how far. I am going to wear my watch for distance and consistency but I am going to force myself to cover it up until I hit my wall. That is my plan.
The next part of the message was about the scale, well it was just a few minutes but it was a very LOUD message. "The scale is not your compass it doesn't know your true north" if that isn't the truth! For so long I have nailed myself right on that damn number, and for years, nearly a damn decade now, that number has not seen a 1 in front of it, I get soooooo close then sabotage the whole thing, this time to the tune of 50 lbs. The last week or so, it may be about 10 days now, the scale has just hovered and fluctuated between the same 3 pounds... up .. down.. up .. down.. I am so close to 20 I can feel it but that scale will NOT give up that last 3 pounds to get there. This morning when once again it was up a pound I was annoyed. I instantly started in on WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?? Why is this thing not moving, I record everything, I have NOT gone over my carbs in over 36 days, I am doing IF like a master, and stuck! Maybe it is the vitamins, maybe it is this, maybe it is that! No you idiot you are using the scale as your compass, but it doesn't see that you have been doing a bazillion bicep curls, it doesn't see that you have been doing a million squats, lunges, kettleball throws (that is a new thing I made up) it does not see that you are running. That number does not see that you are building muscle. It does not see that even though it was incredibly hard you got up every morning for the last 2 weeks. It does not see that the pair of fun jeans with the green flowers that you could not get over your ass 2 weeks ago, you now can. It does not see that the other pair of jeans you could not button you happen to be wearing today. It does not see that in the same 10 days you have decreased your mass by 7.25 inches for a total of 16.25 inches since you began. The scale does not know my true north which happens to be success in spite of the number it is displaying. I absolutely HAVE to remember this.
PS Sir McSquirrel Phace is staring me down through my office window, "Fatty McFatterson" apparently doesn't want me judging him either.
Remember I told you there were two Grey's quotes this week, well here comes the next one and it ties right into what I was just saying!
"There’s a problem with trying to understand every mistake you have made. You can’t.
And trying to robs you of your life. Your plans. Your future.
Plus you can’t really learn from your mistakes if you stop moving forward.
It’s scary it’s uncertain but you’ll find something pretty special there. Hope."
So here I am this morning standing on that scale and the first thing that went through this brain of mine was "What are you doing wrong?" I had to find the mistakes that I made that are making the scale stuck, sound familiar? One of the biggest hang ups I have "What did I do or did I not do that made this all happen?" I have looked at each and every thing I have ever done, from the moment that Deanna was born, the moment that I met Little Dustin, hell as far back as to when I was a little girl myself, looking for all of the mistakes that I made and picking them apart and trying to find that exact point where the mistake was made that set the ball into motion to rob these beautiful beings of their lives. In the process of trying to find the mistake just like the quote says, I robbed myself of my life, my plans and my future. I have been so hung up on what it was that I did wrong and doing wrong, that it was impossible to see anything else or even move ahead. Because of this, I have had absolutely no hope, none. There was no hope at a future or that I would succeed at any part of my journey, and it has been so utterly unfair of me to seek out a future in others when I didn't even see one myself. For that I apologize.
Yesterday I ran into someone I find truly special. I don't think he really knows or understands it, sometimes I don't either, it was just another random run in as most of our "visits" are. Happened in the food lion parking lot. We stood there and talked maybe 10 minutes at the most. In those 10 minutes we both shared some pretty powerful things just right there amongst the buggies and cars. When I pulled out I was no longer beating myself up for laying on the dock instead of doing that strength set, I was smiling, I was lighter, all because of his words, his complete concern and honesty. I saw this same thing last week in a friend, excitement, not for themselves, but to see me truly trying. OPB, thank you, just thank you for being you and my ray of hope yesterday.
Something I am starting to see is that hope does not always come from within. Sometimes it is little rays of star light that pierce the darkness that we are in, because we are looking for it and not counting our mistakes again.
Signing off today with this, are you too busy counting your mistakes to see the stars? Can you take a moment to set those aside and just maybe look for twinkles of hope?
Peace Love and Light
PS no time to proof read so if this is a mangled mess I apologize!!!