Yesterday was a full day. I did go back to work, I worked out at noon, I cut grass when I got off, I made dinner and by 8 pm I crashed, by 9 I was asleep, even after 8 hours when the clock went off I struggled to make my feet hit the floor. I still feel very tired, but things just have to get done, the grass was so tall I lost Banx yesterday morning. I was searching for something, accomplishment. I know I was. It used to feel really good to get off of the mower and look across and see everything neat and manicured, yesterday it felt it didn't feel like an accomplishment at all. Maybe it will be better this weekend when it is weedeated and the neighbors is also done, and there are some flowers, it just felt rushed and half assed.
The good thing about the grass cutting is I had plenty of time to listen to a really great Peloton ride (I was riding a lawn mower after all) it was full of inspiration and just some things that I needed to hear. I then decided I was going to listen to a book, I did this all last summer and it just made the time more enjoyable. As I flipped through my library eyes fell upon the last book my aunt recommended that I just couldn't finish, I am still not ready to finish it, a scrolled down.. and there is was. Unf*uck Yourself by Gary John Bishop. I had started this sometime way back and my friend has recommended a book by a similar title so I said maybe it is time, maybe your brain is open to the thoughts and processes now. I do remember listening to the book before but little of the content, after yesterday's listen I will be going back and listening again, there are some notes that need to be taken.
The one thing that just captured me yesterday was the art of winning and our subconscious. Please forgive me if I mangle this a tad bit, I did not take notes because I do still enjoy the daffodils and didn't want them mowed down. Here is small excerpt:
''The Stoic philosopher Seneca once said,
‘It is the power of the mind to be unconquerable’.
Right now, your mind is unconquerable when it comes to proving that you’re not worthy of love, that you’re lazy, or that you’ll always be out of shape or never have any money.But if we change our thinking a little, we can use our mind’s unconquerable nature to act on all the positive goals and dreams we hold for ourselves. We are wired to win – we just have to point ourselves in the right direction so we can win at something we consciously choose.''
There was so much more to this particular chapter but the basis is that our brains are wired to be winners, regardless of the game you are playing. Myself.. how many times have you all heard me say things like:
I am fat.
I am stuck.
Life went on and I didn't.
I don't know how to live in the after.
My job is stressful.
Subconsciously those things and many more are swirling around my brain on repeat all day long every day and I am winning the fuck out of them. Over and over and over I have been winning at losing because I had no belief in myself and out of complete fear.
I am fat. - I was "fat" even when I was not fat, because I was not as thin as my family, I was put on a diet before I even got to high school, my brother called me horrendous names when we were kids, etc etc etc and I just completely believed it. All of it and have for almost 50 years. I am going to give you an example of how messed up my head is about my size and this was nearly 25 years ago. I went shopping with a girlfriend and we went to Lane Bryant I picked out these clothes and started toward the dressing room. The attendant stopped me and said "I don't think we have anything here to fit you" She wasn't being mean or ugly she was attempting to point out that I did not need the sizes in clothes I had chosen. I waved her off and went right in that dressing room and tried on these clothes that in no way fit me at all. Walked out buying 3 sweaters that would have fit Ippy and the only pair of leggings they had that would stay up on me. I did this same exact thing not 5 years ago at the Dress Barn. I was explaining how I had purchased a pair of pants but they felt horrible on me, they bunched and rubbed, the clerk asks me what size and when I told her she said well, that would be because they are 3 sizes too big for you, I scoffed at that notion and bought the pair a size down, guess what.. they bunched too. I was completely winning at being fat, and to this day I still am. Do you know what happened with those clothes? They eventually fit, because I was not doing the things that needed to be done to not be fat, and even when I was trying to do those things I was still so hard on myself that I self sabotaged and stayed .. you guessed it.. fat.
But why? Simple.. I am scared to death to be anything else because it is all I mentally know. Even when I was running half marathons (more on that in a moment) I was the fat girl running. It wasn't "Hey! I just finished a half marathon!" It was yea I finished it but I was slow because I am a fat girl, if I weighed less the time would have been so much better. Even the accomplishment of a marathon was over shadowed by my size as I know I could have performed better, but I was so mired into being the fat girl, no matter how much I ran or worked out I was winning at finishing and being fat. (Please don't come at me for using the word fat .. I am working through something here). Someone once told me that I was not fat fat, but I was athletically fat and I felt the label was correct, so there I stayed. Working my ass off in the gym but seeing little change or improvement because subconsciously no matter how much work I was putting in consciously I was sabotaging it all to just be what I knew.
I keep posting these photos of "fitspiration" outfits. Outfits that I really want to wear, or I find cute, but in the back of my head each and every time I see one, I can not for the life of me picture myself in one, or if I do it still looks horrible, because fat. I look at them and think, you can do this for the next 10 years and you still won't look good in that, you are likely never going to lose the weight anyway and even if you do, aren't you a bit old for that now? You will look ridiculous. You aren't a girly girl, you can not pull that off. You have to be tough.. isn't that what they said when your feelings were hurt? You got to be tough. Tough isn't thin. Stay fat.. you are stronger that way.
This gets so out of hand.
Let's look at the half marathon thing for a minute, for the last 9 years I have been running and or walking half marathons on a whim. I have not trained well for any of them, I just went out and did them. After that first one back in April of 2012 I just kept doing them, because I would always think, "I can do a half, no problem" it may not have been fast or the greatest ending but I always believed I could finish it. Last year some switch shifted and I heard myself saying "I couldn't finish a 5k if I tried" I said that multiple times... and guess what my ability to go out here and just do a half.. gone. I won at not being able to... I did not do the things that would enable me to maintain what I had built so that I could finish a half.
My point in all of this is, he was astoundingly correct. I am winning in so many areas of losing. I am not sure how to fix that yet, I know it is a change in mind set, that I need to see myself differently and not be afraid of the changes, I am just not sure the steps to take to get there. I am working on it though. I used the weight and fitness areas today because they were just easier to talk about, I am not ready for the others yet, they will be faced. Just not today.
Signing off with this... I am beginning to realize the problem is not the problem the problem is my attitude about the problem.
Peace Love and Light