I am quite exhausted this morning, as I was last night, I even went to bed before 9 and still just .. dragging. There is much to do this morning. Packing up to head back to VA, some goat snuggling, etc etc so I need to shake it off. Yesterday was my appointment with a therapist, I call her a therapist because I had not yet decided if I would keep her, in an hour she said some things to me in ways that I just never looked at, or had the ability to look at, not sure which. Of course yesterday was simply a grain of sand in the hour glass, a drop of water in the ocean but it of course began with where I am at the moment and some of the back story of the kids.
She asked me what it was exactly I felt when I thought of them, I quickly said guilt and regret. Without moving on from there she asks me, why that is what I felt. Simple I could have done more, I should have tried harder, I should have fought harder, and they would have been safe. She says.. really? How? What would you have done different those days that could have changed what happened? I had no response. She says I can tell you.. nothing. She then asked if I was driving either vehicle. No. I wasn't. Did you have the kids wear seatbelts any time they were with you. Yes yes of course. I am going to ask you again what could you have done any different that day to stop a 15 year old from jumping in a car with a friend, to stop a 19 year old from being carefree and forgetting her seat belt. My response was if I had fought harder they wouldn't be where they were and it would not have happened. She tells me that we don't know that, there is no way of knowing that it still would not have happened. She then says.. you are seeking something you are never going to find.. you are looking for atonement for their deaths when there is no fault.
That was all of 10 minutes max of the conversation, the rest was nearly as painful. We talked about why my kids were not with me when they were little, what led to those choices, and how I feel so much guilt over it and how that I was just a horrible mother and it was me who set all of these things into motion. She said something that floored me. I think I sat there with my mouth just hung open. She said just in the few minutes we have talked, I am not hearing that you were a horrible mother, what I am hearing is that you made choices for your children then that seem so wrong now because you are looking at it in the context of who you are today, not who you were then. What I am hearing is that you were a young mother struggling in many ways, not just financially, the likelihood you were going through episodes of mania and depression then is high, you made choices to keep your children safe, even if it meant they were away from you, that isn't a horrible mother, that is a incredible mother. I am still not sold on that, but looking at it through her eyes it looks different. Again that was another 10 minutes. Do you see why I say I was and am exhausted from this?
There was more I wish I had taken notes, because it was just a whirlwind but yesterday was not about repairing it was the beginning of identifying. I am sure all of the things we spoke about will circle back around. In the end, she had become my therapist. I really liked her, I liked her vibe, I liked the way she spoke, not pushy yet forceful, with emotional but not pity.
I met with one of my beautiful friends yesterday morning for coffee. Her beauty is not just in her appearance but it also radiates from her heart just surrounding her in this light. So we are talking and she goes.. You know you do that Robin Williams thing. (forgive me if my quotes are slightly off my brain is operating in a fog) I was like say what now? She goes, you flip a switch so that no one sees what is really going on. In the middle of talking with her I called dad and she said I wish I had recorded that, you were two different people. My response was, because my dad doesn't know. (again forgive the punctuation today I am just too tired to care). I then tell her about work and how they don't understand that they nearly broke me and she says "How would they?" and I was reminded of what my co worker said, "We all see you so strong and confident.. " For weeks and weeks I was all I am good I am great.. look at me doing all of the things!!! All of the things were good and great, except they weren't, if they were I would still be good and great, sometimes I think I am so good with the switch that even I believe it. I don't know that it is a completely bad thing that I do this, but it can't be completely healthy either. I mean.. it is kinda like having some horrible disease and telling everyone you are perfectly healthy until you end up in the ICU nearly dead, and then going .. well I didn't want to burden you. How can you get any help and support if you are over here going.. HEY LOOK AT ME WOOHOOO I AM WONDERFUL! When inside your soul is crushed. I need to be better at communicating what I need, because expecting others to see and just do is unrealistic, especially when I veil the truth. Sure I write about it like a mad dog but if you see me, I smile and chat and want to hear about you and your life, or I am doing for you, cooking cleaning, and meeting all the expectations you have of me and you just don't see what is really happening. I don't think that is fair to anyone.
So as I said by 4 pm yesterday I was just plain exhausted but there was so much good in it all. My therapist validated so many of the things I have been writing about, how I feel stuck, she said that I feel it because I am. She even said you have a fear of moving because you are afraid of losing all of your memories, lady friend doesn't even know I write (well she does now) so she had zero way of knowing I had written that this week. She really was a crazy good fit, and has already started on a plan of action to get me in a better healthier place, for these things I am scared and excited, but it is better than where I have been for so long.
Signing off with this today, I know today's post was a bit scatter brained, I am sorry, I hope that it at least shows I am getting help.
Peace Love and Light