GOOD MORNING MY LOVES! It's FRIDAY!
Seriously though, the other day on the way home from Cock Island.. how can you not just laugh saying the name... Miranda Lambert's Hide your Crazy came on the radio and as you all know songs just hit REALLY hard with me. In case you don't know the song here ya go.
I cut my bangs with some rusty kitchen scissors
I screamed her name 'til the neighbors called the cops
I numbed the pain at the expense of my liver
Don't know what I did next all I know I couldn't stop
Word got around to the barflies and the baptists
My mama's phone started ringin' off the hook
I can hear her now sayin' she ain't gonna have it
Don't matter how you feel it only matters how you look
Go and fix your make up girl, it's just a break up
Run and hide your crazy and start actin' like a lady
'Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart
But this ain't my mama's broken heart
I wish I could be just a little less dramatic
Like a Kennedy when Camelot went down in flames
Leave it to me to be holdin' the matches
When the fire trucks show up and there's nobody else to blame
My mama came from a softer generation
Where you get a grip and bite your lip just to save a little face
I know my poor mama is cringing just reading this, but it is the truth. She did come from a different generation, as her parents did. You didn't share your story, your journey, your broken heart or even your sadness, you just were. She even told me once that she was sorry that the didn't give me better conflict skills. I told her that my conflict skills were spot on! She looked at me quizzingly and I said "They are perfect! In the face of conflict you just say Go F Yourself! boom, no more conflict" Obviously that is not exactly what she had in mind and the truth is that is really the jest of my confrontation skills. My version of Fight or Flight kicks in and my brain goes in over drive and the filter falters and I am going to tell you EXACTLY what I think of you and before I am done I can promise you .. you are either going to fight or take flight. Not exactly the healthiest way to deal with things but there it is, and typically at some point the conflict is resolved and there is no huge lump under your rug. I will tell you what happened, by the time that all of the generations of under the rug sweepers passed the broom to me 90% of the bristles were gone and it was only good for riding! I didn't nor do I have the ability to to be a under the rug sweeper, when I try is when I go absolutely insane (the last year is a good case in point of that) Hiding the pain that I was in, not sharing my story, drug me deeper and deeper into that darkness.
(Edit as I was reading through) You know if our family had been more open, and shared more of our own stories and journey's with each other maybe some things would have been different. Had my Aunt shared more of her weight loss journey, maybe myself and my cousins could have learned from it and not be struggling so hard with our own weights. Had my grandmother shared her story and her journey of losing her daughter maybe there would have been more tools in my tool box to get through when I lost mine. Had my mother (sorry mom) been more open about what she went through losing her sister it could have helped my boys when they lost theirs. We have just got to stop this closed lip attitude. It has to be ok to share and be who we are. Fixing that make up can only hide the cracks for so long. (end edit)
Here is a fun fact, I write as I hear things in my head, I write like I talk. When you see .... it is because there was a slight pause that a comma just doesn't cover. Sometimes when you don't see punctuation and you think "Dear Lord! Run on sentence much?" It is because the words are coming fast and furious and I don't have time to worry with it, and by the end of the release I don't' have the energy to fix it. The very interesting thing about all of it.... is the in my head part... I can sit here and write and write and write just like I am talking to a friend and sharing my journey, my story, my soul, but if you put me in a situation that I actually have to TALK about how I feel, that is a complete different story! I met with my friend last week for coffee twice, both times I asked her to read what I wrote, the first time she obliged, the second she said "No, I want to hear your words" I was so uncomfortable, but I managed to muddle through it and I did feel better for it, but MAN it was hard! All of those years of "we just don't talk about these things" still resonate, even when someone is RIGHT THERE SAYING TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS! "Hide that crazy sweetheart"
But what good does that do anyone? It doesn't help me. It doesn't help you. It doesn't help the complete stranger that may need your story to see hope in their own. I am going to use my sweetheart of a friend Bekah as an example because I know she won't mind. Let me start off by saying Bekah is NOT crazy but she was very open about her weightloss journey. For 3 years this beautiful strong amazing human being has openly and honestly shared her journey of losing over a hundred pounds. Day after day I read her posts on Facebook saw her images on Instagram, watched as she started running, I remember the day she posted that she ran a mile in 10 minutes, I cheered as she did her first half, her second is coming up in just a matter of days. I was this crazy stalker lady cheering this chick on that I knew but I didn't KNOW. Her story is some kind of powerful, as I watched her take her life back, at first my thoughts were, she is so much younger than I am, I won't be able to do those things again, and slowly over time her words, her actions, her workouts, her training became more realistic to me. Sure she posted these incredible photos (she is the only person I know that can run 3 miles in the heat and look like she is photo shoot ready) but she was honest in her words. She talked about how hard it was or she posted about a bad run, or a hip issue, it was the honesty that gave me the knowledge that this weight loss journey is hard, no matter your age, starting weight etc etc, but it IS doable through perseverance, commitment, determination, and being true to yourself. Her story was real, it wasn't some just before and after shot of "I lost 100 pounds on Keto" it was all of it ,the battles, the triumphs, the tears, and the laughter. Her story gave me HOPE and when everything came crashing down 56 days ago it was Bekah that I told my story too first.
It was when I decided to take MY life back, and there was lots of work to do and so much story to unfold and be told. Some of it so ugly, some of it I am sure my grandparents are screaming in my ear to STOP THE MADNESS WILL YOU BE QUIET! But again I say, who does that help? Last week I received a text that said:
"I just want to take a minute to thank you for all of your heartfelt posts. I read them daily - But today's was beyond what I needed to to read ----- Thank you for being you, for being raw, for being honest. You are not only helping yourself but others who are holding your hand walking right next to you. I love you my friend"
Today I woke up to this on my post from yesterday
"I needed to read this .....thank you so much for sharing your experience. Everyone should read this!:
"Her stories are so powerful! I don’t think she realizes she’s changing lives by writing them"
That alone makes every hard told story worth it ALL. I have often said that I had no idea what my life's purpose was or even is, but knowing that I have helped people makes all of the pain, all of the journey, and yes even the parading of the crazy worthwhile! So much to the chagrin of my ancestors the journey shall continue to be shared even if it only touches one more person, it is worth it!
Signing off today with this, how do I reach more people? Do I even need to? I feel like I should, but am I putting too much on my plate?
PS Bekah.. thank you for everything! As I said before I will say it again.. you are an angel on Earth.
Peace Love and Light