"At all cost we avoid negative experiences.
We ignore pain.
We stir clear of the unfamiliar.
We lie when we ask about how we feel.
We shouldn’t do that.
Cause I have learned something from these last several months.
The body can only take so much."
~Grey's In the Life
Hi there! Happy Monday to you all!
Tired morning here. Did I do too much after getting home? Of course I did. I wanted a fresh start this morning. I wanted to log in from my new space and be able to say I changed something in my time away from work that would help me balance work and I did. In true Re fashion it couldn't just be a project that slowly came together it had to be RIGHT NOW, not to mention there were people watching so I couldn't just lay around like a slug. Even in all of the brutal honesty that I am able and capable of putting to paper, I don't want people to see it! Even the people closest to me, which is very likely why I am so damn exhausted.
I worked and worked and got the office straight, I cooked an amazing lunch, worked and worked some more. I hung bird feeder outside of my window. I built shelves (yes Ed helped I was getting a bit frustrated and then he got frustrated but we got it done). I now have a sweet little office that is filled with things that make me smile. Even my very own little model boat that Ed surprised me with yesterday. Someone who doesn't even know me had it made for me and it is the best little addition to my room. Once Ed left for Richmond.. CRASH.
I said to myself .. Self.. clean up the kitchen. Self said Take a minute sit down. I didn't really move again. He left about 330. I slept until he got home and then I tried to watch TV in 5 hours I managed to choke down 2 episodes of Grey's. There was lots of pausing going on. I was invested I wanted to see what happened and I also wanted something mindless, but even mindless I was having a hard time concentrating on, by 830 I was just done and the puppies and I went to bed. It was an eventful night full of dreams, strange ones and such, I remember at one point in my dream I thought. Wow.. will be glad when this night is over so this stupid crap will be done. When I woke up this morning it took all I had to get up. I know this is because a body and mind can only take so much.
Anyone who watches Grey's knows about the little snips of dialogue at the beginning and end of the show. Yesterday both episodes ending dialogues were so "loud" that I simply knew they were meant to be heard then and by me. I feel like I need to point out that I am not deranged enough to think someone wrote those specifically for me, they just fit so well with what I am going through that I will be using both as fodder this week. Let's look at the one I used today again shall we?
"At all cost we avoid negative experiences.
We ignore pain.
We stir clear of the unfamiliar.
We lie when we ask about how we feel.
We shouldn’t do that.
Cause I have learned something from these last several months.
The body can only take so much."
~Grey's In the Life
Here I am going through all kinds of hell mentally, it is no secret to anyone, especially if you are reading my posts because of all things I am not the one big thing I am is honest and open in my writing, well maybe a secret to my Dad, maybe, for all I know he knows and I don't know he knows. Either way all weekend I ignored that pain, I didn't cry in front of anyone, I did and did and did, and while I fully believe that getting up and out and doing something is good for the soul when you are already in a full out war with your mind it is likely not the best time. So why would I do that? Because it is was unfamiliar territory, I am the person who goes and goes and goes and does and does and does, and if I stop I am no longer me and I may have to let them see the side of me that physically can not move, and to me it would be a horrific experience for anyone to actually see me that way.
But what happens when we do that? A vicious cycle that is what. We aren't allowing ourselves the time to work through the experience, to heal from the war that is waging because we are so busy hiding the pain and lying to everyone around us that when they are gone and we DO have time to handle our business and deal with our pain and what ever battle is happening we are too damn tired to do so.
The very last line, it says it all. "The body can only take so much." I don't read this as simply the physical body though that too is included I read this more as all encompassing, our physical, mental, and spiritual body can only take so much of this yo yo without losing ones self in the process. My goal is to be more honest and forth coming. To be able to say to my people the truth, that simply no I am not ok when they ask, instead of the normal "I'm good" or "I'm fine". To be able to gracefully say to my family, "I know I am in the middle of a project or that it is time for dinner or insert any other thing that I expect they expect out of me, but I really need 30 minutes to just be still." If I don't learn this action I am truly afraid of where it may lead.
I have my plan laid for this week in regards to work and working out, I will be right back on track this week with the knowledge that if I can not stick to the plan 100% that it is not a failure but grace in a time it is needed. I need to be reminded of that often. I also have my plans for the coming weekend and Deanna's angelversary. For a few years we tried to take a trip and get away but last year Covid happened and it just isn't feasible, so we are going to be here at the house getting it ready for summer, in the end it will be an accomplishment and she will have pretty flowers in her memory all summer long.
Signing off today with this, are you feeling overwhelmed in some aspect of your life? Can you allow yourself the grace to take a break just for a few minutes?
Peace Love and Light
Re
We ignore pain.
We stir clear of the unfamiliar.
We lie when we ask about how we feel.
We shouldn’t do that.
Cause I have learned something from these last several months.
The body can only take so much."
~Grey's In the Life
Hi there! Happy Monday to you all!
Tired morning here. Did I do too much after getting home? Of course I did. I wanted a fresh start this morning. I wanted to log in from my new space and be able to say I changed something in my time away from work that would help me balance work and I did. In true Re fashion it couldn't just be a project that slowly came together it had to be RIGHT NOW, not to mention there were people watching so I couldn't just lay around like a slug. Even in all of the brutal honesty that I am able and capable of putting to paper, I don't want people to see it! Even the people closest to me, which is very likely why I am so damn exhausted.
I worked and worked and got the office straight, I cooked an amazing lunch, worked and worked some more. I hung bird feeder outside of my window. I built shelves (yes Ed helped I was getting a bit frustrated and then he got frustrated but we got it done). I now have a sweet little office that is filled with things that make me smile. Even my very own little model boat that Ed surprised me with yesterday. Someone who doesn't even know me had it made for me and it is the best little addition to my room. Once Ed left for Richmond.. CRASH.
I said to myself .. Self.. clean up the kitchen. Self said Take a minute sit down. I didn't really move again. He left about 330. I slept until he got home and then I tried to watch TV in 5 hours I managed to choke down 2 episodes of Grey's. There was lots of pausing going on. I was invested I wanted to see what happened and I also wanted something mindless, but even mindless I was having a hard time concentrating on, by 830 I was just done and the puppies and I went to bed. It was an eventful night full of dreams, strange ones and such, I remember at one point in my dream I thought. Wow.. will be glad when this night is over so this stupid crap will be done. When I woke up this morning it took all I had to get up. I know this is because a body and mind can only take so much.
Anyone who watches Grey's knows about the little snips of dialogue at the beginning and end of the show. Yesterday both episodes ending dialogues were so "loud" that I simply knew they were meant to be heard then and by me. I feel like I need to point out that I am not deranged enough to think someone wrote those specifically for me, they just fit so well with what I am going through that I will be using both as fodder this week. Let's look at the one I used today again shall we?
"At all cost we avoid negative experiences.
We ignore pain.
We stir clear of the unfamiliar.
We lie when we ask about how we feel.
We shouldn’t do that.
Cause I have learned something from these last several months.
The body can only take so much."
~Grey's In the Life
Here I am going through all kinds of hell mentally, it is no secret to anyone, especially if you are reading my posts because of all things I am not the one big thing I am is honest and open in my writing, well maybe a secret to my Dad, maybe, for all I know he knows and I don't know he knows. Either way all weekend I ignored that pain, I didn't cry in front of anyone, I did and did and did, and while I fully believe that getting up and out and doing something is good for the soul when you are already in a full out war with your mind it is likely not the best time. So why would I do that? Because it is was unfamiliar territory, I am the person who goes and goes and goes and does and does and does, and if I stop I am no longer me and I may have to let them see the side of me that physically can not move, and to me it would be a horrific experience for anyone to actually see me that way.
But what happens when we do that? A vicious cycle that is what. We aren't allowing ourselves the time to work through the experience, to heal from the war that is waging because we are so busy hiding the pain and lying to everyone around us that when they are gone and we DO have time to handle our business and deal with our pain and what ever battle is happening we are too damn tired to do so.
The very last line, it says it all. "The body can only take so much." I don't read this as simply the physical body though that too is included I read this more as all encompassing, our physical, mental, and spiritual body can only take so much of this yo yo without losing ones self in the process. My goal is to be more honest and forth coming. To be able to say to my people the truth, that simply no I am not ok when they ask, instead of the normal "I'm good" or "I'm fine". To be able to gracefully say to my family, "I know I am in the middle of a project or that it is time for dinner or insert any other thing that I expect they expect out of me, but I really need 30 minutes to just be still." If I don't learn this action I am truly afraid of where it may lead.
I have my plan laid for this week in regards to work and working out, I will be right back on track this week with the knowledge that if I can not stick to the plan 100% that it is not a failure but grace in a time it is needed. I need to be reminded of that often. I also have my plans for the coming weekend and Deanna's angelversary. For a few years we tried to take a trip and get away but last year Covid happened and it just isn't feasible, so we are going to be here at the house getting it ready for summer, in the end it will be an accomplishment and she will have pretty flowers in her memory all summer long.
Signing off today with this, are you feeling overwhelmed in some aspect of your life? Can you allow yourself the grace to take a break just for a few minutes?
Peace Love and Light
Re
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