Another bootcamp finished this morning. 6 weeks. Wasn't my best 6 weeks and wasn't my worst 6 weeks. I may have missed a day here or there but I made it up at another class so go me. Today was no different than any other day for me.. in the back huffing and puffing, but it was quite ok I was out there doing it. I have come up with a way that I can safely work out every day the next 6 weeks without plain exhausting myself and scheduled in a way that hopefully the darkness wont' have time to talk me into staying in bed. So go me!
I think it is no secret the last month or so have been absolute hell on me... again. I am still for the most part unmedicated, with the exception of the occasional Xanax so I can quiet the monsters and sleep. Three dear friends have died, three people that were major avenues of love and support, their loss is very painful. Two cousins are very ill and I am not close enough to be a help. Made a huge mistake of unblocking someone on Facebook for the good of a Challenge and that only caused massive amounts of aggravation and hurt. I have placed myself in situations I thought I was ready for but clearly am not. Funerals... fairs... facebook.. All of these things have added up to an abundance of stress and negative thinking. I stopped writing about my feelings about the same time, maybe a little sooner, another mistake. While working out releases some of the pain, writing releases on another level. I knew I would be bashed for what I wrote, personally I don't really care anymore, the truth is the truth. I was hurt, someone hurt me and made this my life, so I write about it. The thing is... they aren't sorry they did what they did, they are just sorry I tell it. I am a writer, I write about my life, my feelings. my past, my future, you all have a role in that, it is YOUR choice if you write a love story on my life or a horror story.
Those of you who wrote horror and more turmoil in my life... well you suck, I hope you find some kind of happiness in hurting others because deep down I think your lives must be miserable. To those of you who wrote love my arms (look that up if you have time today.. twloha) you guys are AMAZING!!!! You have lifted me up when I was down, walked beside me when I could, cried with me when I hurt, smiled and laughed with me on the rare moments life was ok. You guys did your best to understand a horrible situation, one that is impossible for anyone to understand exactly what it is like, but you guys have seriously tried.
I have found that even other Angel Mommy's don't understand exactly what each other feel, it is something we have all come to terms with that no one is ever going to completely understand. All of our lives with our babies were different.. some longer.. some shorter.. some instant loss.. some lingering.. it is all different. So for you guys who are trying so hard to understand where I am and what I am going through I TRULY appreciate it, because it is no easy task.
There is another group of people out there I need to reach out to, those that are in pain, those that want the pain to stop, the sadness to disappear, the darkness to subside, I may not be in good shape myself but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not hesitate to reach out to someone. Me, a friend, a stranger, anyone. I get it.. I truly do, and I will be there for anyone, anytime, any place. Just call me.. email me.. facebook me.. (804-854-1753.. ann.marie.haywood@gmail.com) Yup I just publicly posted my phone number and email. I care about you that much.
I think it is no secret the last month or so have been absolute hell on me... again. I am still for the most part unmedicated, with the exception of the occasional Xanax so I can quiet the monsters and sleep. Three dear friends have died, three people that were major avenues of love and support, their loss is very painful. Two cousins are very ill and I am not close enough to be a help. Made a huge mistake of unblocking someone on Facebook for the good of a Challenge and that only caused massive amounts of aggravation and hurt. I have placed myself in situations I thought I was ready for but clearly am not. Funerals... fairs... facebook.. All of these things have added up to an abundance of stress and negative thinking. I stopped writing about my feelings about the same time, maybe a little sooner, another mistake. While working out releases some of the pain, writing releases on another level. I knew I would be bashed for what I wrote, personally I don't really care anymore, the truth is the truth. I was hurt, someone hurt me and made this my life, so I write about it. The thing is... they aren't sorry they did what they did, they are just sorry I tell it. I am a writer, I write about my life, my feelings. my past, my future, you all have a role in that, it is YOUR choice if you write a love story on my life or a horror story.
Those of you who wrote horror and more turmoil in my life... well you suck, I hope you find some kind of happiness in hurting others because deep down I think your lives must be miserable. To those of you who wrote love my arms (look that up if you have time today.. twloha) you guys are AMAZING!!!! You have lifted me up when I was down, walked beside me when I could, cried with me when I hurt, smiled and laughed with me on the rare moments life was ok. You guys did your best to understand a horrible situation, one that is impossible for anyone to understand exactly what it is like, but you guys have seriously tried.
I have found that even other Angel Mommy's don't understand exactly what each other feel, it is something we have all come to terms with that no one is ever going to completely understand. All of our lives with our babies were different.. some longer.. some shorter.. some instant loss.. some lingering.. it is all different. So for you guys who are trying so hard to understand where I am and what I am going through I TRULY appreciate it, because it is no easy task.
There is another group of people out there I need to reach out to, those that are in pain, those that want the pain to stop, the sadness to disappear, the darkness to subside, I may not be in good shape myself but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not hesitate to reach out to someone. Me, a friend, a stranger, anyone. I get it.. I truly do, and I will be there for anyone, anytime, any place. Just call me.. email me.. facebook me.. (804-854-1753.. ann.marie.haywood@gmail.com) Yup I just publicly posted my phone number and email. I care about you that much.
Yesterday after writing my blog something beautiful happened, the out pouring of love was yet again amazing. Dear friends reaching out saying they just cried because for a moment they felt the pain in my words, complete strangers offering gifts of support and advise, other angel mom's letting me know they had been on a similar journey and they had asshats in their lives too. Again through my writing I was allowed a few minutes of peace and hope. Hope that I will not forever be this hurt and angry. Hope that I will one day be able to not just survive but live again. Hope that there is a future and asshats or at the very least the issues they cause will just disappear.
A very beautiful thing happened late last night at work. We were closed, all customers had left except for two ladies lingering over coffee. They kindly did not mind if we cleaned up around them and closed up shop. At the end of their time together they got up from the booth and were looking around and one of the ladies came up with this bright beautiful smile on her face and stated.. "I am buying this!"
A very beautiful thing happened late last night at work. We were closed, all customers had left except for two ladies lingering over coffee. They kindly did not mind if we cleaned up around them and closed up shop. At the end of their time together they got up from the booth and were looking around and one of the ladies came up with this bright beautiful smile on her face and stated.. "I am buying this!"
Beautiful isn't she? I believe you would be shocked to see the actual woman and this mermaid. They look incredibly similar but I will not post her photo without her permission. While I was ringing her up, she walked away for a moment and her friend says to me "It reminds her of her daughter, she passed away when she was 15." I just stood there for a moment because I never really know what to say and finally I said "My son was 15.. my daughter was 19.." and the lady pipes up and says.." wait I know you!" Sure enough through a round about way we figured out that she did indeed know me and her friend rejoined the conversation. We discussed tattoos for our kids, how long it had been, how it still was incredibly painful, how our daughters had matching bricks on the memory walk way at church... This beautiful mermaid that my beautiful friend Elly Ehrnst painted not only brought too angel mom's together it gave one of them amazing joy to have found something so beautiful that reminded them of their daughter. Elly your work is not only amazing it is healing hearts, for this I LOVE YOU!!!!
Just a chance encounter during a shift I didn't even want or have the energy to go to yesterday brought so much healing to my heart. THERE IS HOPE that one day I will be able to look at an object and think that reminds me of my baby without crying, that there will be joy where there is sadness.
There is one more little awesome thing that happened this morning. Deanna's aunt Sherrie was posting family photos on facebook and I thought to myself that she probably didn't have many of Deanna so I sent her a few. She asked me to send her one of Deanna and her Daddy Carlton. I didn't have one I was sad to tell her. In all the months since the accident I have not been able to find one single photo of them together. I took a few minutes today to look for others that Sherrie may enjoy.. and look what appeared. There is going to be one happy man in New Point today!
Just a chance encounter during a shift I didn't even want or have the energy to go to yesterday brought so much healing to my heart. THERE IS HOPE that one day I will be able to look at an object and think that reminds me of my baby without crying, that there will be joy where there is sadness.
There is one more little awesome thing that happened this morning. Deanna's aunt Sherrie was posting family photos on facebook and I thought to myself that she probably didn't have many of Deanna so I sent her a few. She asked me to send her one of Deanna and her Daddy Carlton. I didn't have one I was sad to tell her. In all the months since the accident I have not been able to find one single photo of them together. I took a few minutes today to look for others that Sherrie may enjoy.. and look what appeared. There is going to be one happy man in New Point today!
Sadness, hurt and anger do not go away over night. It is so easy for people to say.. think happy positive thoughts. Yea screw you.. lol. My point is it didn't take just one person spewing their evilness at me to make me so hurt.. it took many.. it didn't just take one negative act.. it took hundreds. It isn't going to take a day to undo what has been done.. it is going to take a life time. I can be hated for the words I write, that is fine.. but maybe just maybe instead of throwing stones out of your glass house at me you should look in a mirror, you are far from perfect. Me... as long as I have my friends and family that know the true art of kindness, love, and compassion.. not only will I be ok during the rotten days I will be amazing during the good ones!
Thought of the day...
Life will show you what there is to live for even when you aren't looking.
Thought of the day...
Life will show you what there is to live for even when you aren't looking.
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