Now I am at a point that I have to make decisions, hard ones, for months I have done much of nothing other than catch up on some TV that I missed for the last 5 years, spent time with my best friend, work, and travel back and forth to VA, That is pretty much what life has consisted of and now it's time for me to break out of the cocoon I have been living in. I went back to bootcamp, went when I could, didn't push it because I know my body and unfortunately when one does not sleep well and they are full of anger then one does not perform so well at physical activities. I even waited for night camp thinking oh I can handle that no 430 am wake up call, but only issue there is that is right after work and the exhaustion does not just go away during the day. I know it sounds as if I am making excuses I am not, bare with me here and I will get to my point. I do happen to love bootcamp, I love our little night crew, I think we could be a great team, heck we ARE a great team and my plan is to be there as much as possible again, bootcamp is not my issue.. my issue is the time I am going to have to put in to train for a marathon in March. Am I even a runner anymore? Do I have hours on end to put into that kind of training and still follow my dreams even though they are new, don't have awesome bling at the end and have no idea how to begin other than with a keyboard?
God is not leading me to run, granted it isn't like he told me to stop either, but I can't write and run and that is where my passion is right now. Writing takes a lot of time, and effort, I know most of you are thinking "whatever she just throws her thoughts at us and calls it a day" Yes you are right some days are like that.. but it is still time consuming and honestly I wish I had time to make it much more time consuming, there are topics I want to write about that require research, there are topics that would require days of soul searching, I barely have time to write out my thoughts, now between work and church and bootcamp when I get there. It does not take much to exhaust my poor brain and body, I don't know if it is the meds or the depression but it happens and there is not a thing I can do about it. After writing or talking I am WIPED OUT... even worse than normal, and even when I say "Hey I will be at camp tonight!" something could happen between 4 and 5 that lands me knocked down. Depression is a wild animal and it is also another topic I want to write about from the living it side, not the clinical side, but to try to make others understand the thought of getting out, or coming over, or running 4 miles and doing site ups and burpees only further shove us in our pits and right now church is my priority it is getting me back on my feet, it is giving me faith not only in myself but in others, how do I find the strength for everything.
I don't want to just be the author of this blog, I want to see my name in print, on a book to help others, on a book to help angel mommies and angel friends. How do I do this when I have basically committed myself to 4 months of serious training that will take each free moment between running and working out. I am so torn.. so very very torn. I don't know what I want to be for life, or even the next four months, a princess or batman, but one thing is for sure, I have to make that choice fast.
Wishing you all a beautiful day and asking for any advice you have!!