Yay what a wonderful morning. At that point I was just ready to hang it all up. Check out. Get in the car take the few dollars I have make a phone call so someone was here for Drake when he got home and disappear. I sat on the deck and thought.. who do I call.. where do I go.. How could one text message hurt so bad.. why did I even let it bother me.. did I even realize the tears were there with in seconds of opening it.. Keep in mind all of these thoughts are jumbled up on top of each other at the same time there is no seconds in between and some crisscross and my mind turns in to a madness of emotion and ... and well nothing but pure raw emotion where I just want to be gone. Yes I do realize how unrealistic these thoughts are. I also know that I just should start praying when something like this happens but I am still very firmly rooted in my "REALLY??? REALLY?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME YOU ARE GOING TO LET MORE BE THROWN AT ME???" stage. I get that.
So I just sat down and said forget it.. focus on something else. Then via Facebook I get .. a few vague messages that some people want to stop over for hugs... those are always welcome.. WAIT WAIT WAIT.. my house is a disaster, I am a disaster, I can't even find a bra, and .. WAIT GIVE ME 30 MINUTES! The Dog hasn't even been walked yet and I am still crying WAIT!!!! AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE MY BRA IS!
So I got up scrambled and at the very least picked up a few things and took a shower, found a bra.. not yesterday's so if anyone comes over and finds it.. sorry... and I managed to walk the dog. On the way out the driveway I took a sideways glance at the mail box and... sigh... May as well get the bills out that I am either going to forget to pay, or pay and forget I paid and pay again.. to my surprise no bills.. just a small package. Huh.. what's this?
Right there in my mail box, from a beautiful friend.
As I walked the dog I was compelled to turn to today's page, yes I seriously read today's entry while walking the dog.
October 10th. (excerpt)
Trust me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them. Relax, and refresh yourself in the Light of My everlasting Love. My Love Light never dims, yet you are often unaware of radiant presence. Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in My abundant supply. Train your mind to seek My help continually, even when you feel confident to handle something by yourself.
In light of the little incident this morning and the looming Dr appointment this afternoon, I think today's passage was very fitting and was Jesus calling to say.. Hey Chick... yup it's a bad morning you want to know who to call.. you didn't call anyone so I am calling you.
As I sat down and began writing this my phone chimed indicating I had an email.. quick glance, Aunt Ann. Ok, I think I will read that as soon as I am done here. Hmmm... naw maybe I should read it. Again.. "knock knock knock.. you can ignore me if you want. I am still here.. I see what is happening around you. Do not doubt me and my love."
TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria
When we have rock-solid faith, we won’t be moved by what’s happening around us. We have peace in our hearts and minds because our hope is in God. We have an attitude that says: “I’m not moved by this medical report. I respect and honor people that are trying to help me, but I know God can do what medical science cannot do. God made my body.” “I’m not moved by the economy, the stock market, my job situation. I know God supplies all of my needs. He promised He would prosper me even in a recession.” “I’m not moved by how my children are acting. I’m not stressed out because they’re off course, making poor choices. I know it’s only a matter of time. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”
I am not going to sit here and promise you that I stopped crying, that my feelings aren't still hurt, but I am being led on a path to trust that others reactions or actions are not my fault and I have no control over them. I am being led to believe that I can wonder all I want about who to call and how.. I didn't have to He already heard me. I am being led to believe that the people who love me will continue to love me even though my house isn't clean, there are dishes in the sink (yes I am in horror even typing that) and my kid used "girlie soap". I will get there.. the words are getting through.. the calls are non stop.
I know this is probably a rambling mess.. but I am a rambling mess today. In the end it boils down to I need to have the determination that a little tiny 2 year old De had to not let anything hold her back from moving forward, not a hurtful text, not an argument with Drake, not a bad Dr report.... I need to keep moving forward.
Much Love to you All,