Today this blog post is about moving forward, where my life is going, and where this road that began with tragedy is leading me. Over the past few weeks I have heard quite a few things about myself, I am so strong, I am doing so well, I am starting to show glimpses of the old Re, there is a glimmer back in my eye, it is very hard for me to hear such things about myself because I don't always feel it, honestly, I very rarely feel it. I do however need to start listening to these people because they are also the sames ones that say "Girl... you ARE getting out of the house today" forcing me to shower or "Eat your dinner!" So I know they care about me and are very honest and aren't the kind of people to say those things just out of kindness, when they say them they mean them.
Recently I have thought in my head.. "Dear God WHY are you doing this to me, why me, what am I missing, where is it that I am to take this. I don't understand why you won't open the doors that I want opened so badly. I know you did not put this hurt and pain on me for amusement, my God does not do that. My God is a loving caring God who has a plan, but Dear God I don't see your plan. It is not clear." I don't have to talk out loud to God he hears my heart, even though sometimes I do write to him. See even to God I am not a talker, I am a writer. Also during the past few weeks I have also tried to fill my life with positive influences, reading the bible and other devotions, seeing people that clearly love me and make me feel alive and do you know what happened? When I started believing not only in myself but that God truly had an answer, I started hearing. I started seeing the messages that God was leaving me in a new light.
God has sent me message after message to get me through the bad days, to get me to this point, to get me to become stronger in his world, and now finally just recently I have started being led to where I am going, not just up out of the pit.
On Facebook the other day I saw the following update from Joel Olsten:
"We are responsible for helping and encouraging others, for guiding them further along, but we are not responsible for their choices. If they want to live unhappy, that’s their choice. Don’t allow them to bring you down with them."
As I laid down the other night my thoughts wandered to my writing, and where God is leading me. I am responsible for helping others and encouraging others, for guiding them further along. God is leading me to share my story, my life, my experiences with the world since the accident, in hopes of helping others. As may of you know my writing is raw and emotional, but I have been told I have a gift, that I don't write like any other, that when my words are read they feel what I am feeling. In the past that has not always been positive and most of you know that I have my share of obstacles and hurdles in this journey but if I can help one person understand their pain and to keep their eyes on God and not to sink so deeply in the pit that they contemplate suicide then my job is done and it is well worth it.
I will write about looking to positive influences and stories will be shared about love and support, I hope to spend my life letting people know they are NOT alone, and before anyone thinks that I am alone in my journey I am not, I am with God and thousands of other parents who have lost their children. Within minutes of posting in a forum in regards to topic I felt so alone about on this journey about 20 people posted "I thought I was the only one!" People do not like to share their pain, their hurt, they don't know how, they can't verbalize it, but one thing is for sure. I can write mine, and countless times I have heard, I feel the same way, thank you for putting that into words.
I am being led this way.. and last night I believe I heard God say "Re, I allowed these things to happen, I allowed you to see things that hurt you, I allowed these things because I knew you were strong and would make it through with the love and support of me, your true friends and family, I allowed these things so that through you I can help others not feel what you have felt. Go now.. write."
So for today, I am healing, I am writing, doesn't mean the damage hasn't been done, it means I will not longer allow the damage to control my life.