I know I didn't turn everything over to God, I always believed in something bigger than me, something of a higher power, but something I couldn't explain, was it God, was it Jesus, was it just my brain playing tricks on me? I don't know. I still don't know. I just know that living this way, the way I am right now stinks. I hurt more people that I help.. I get told that this isn't fair to the people that have to "deal" with me. That my sadness brings those closest to me down and they want to come running when they read my words of despair or they don't want to deal with me at all when I am upset because they are sick of it. Well guess what I am sick of it. I am sick to death of feeling ashamed, inadequate, sad, angry, different. The bottom line is my daughter is dead, it wasn't just an accident, she's not in a hospital sick and hurt and fighting to get better, it isn't that she is out and about doing something and just not coming home until she is ready, she is gone, she is not coming back. I know in order to get through this I need, have to, must turn all of this over to God and if I don't it will end up consuming me, eating me alive from my heart out, but I also don't feel I have a right to turn this over yet. That I need to feel this hurt, that I need to feel this pain, there has to be a reason for it, my punishment for being the worlds crappiest mom, for not protecting her when she needed it because I thought her living her own life was what she needed. I need to hurt like this I need to feel the pain of what she must have felt when she thought I turned my back on her. I don't know if she knows that I did the things I did out of love, that I was trying to protect her.. I have been told she has no regrets and for that I am happy. I have been told where she is she doesn't want to come back, that it is beautiful and peaceful and full of love. I need to believe these things.. they are one of the only things that keeps me going.
I have tried different things to get better, bootcamp, reading, tried to make plans, say every day I am going to sleep in my bed, at all of it I have been an utter failure. If I hear one more time.. "yea you keep trying but then you quit.. I want to see improvement" I think going to just lose it. I stop because it hurts, because it does not feel right, it's not the right place for me right now. I don't know if it is because I made that such a big part of my life before that I ignored other things, or if it is because De did it with me and now never will, I don't know if it is because it physically hurts, or if it is totally emotional pain. I just don't know. But nothing I have done, nothing I am doing, feels right. The whole world feels wrong wrong wrong. I wasn't the one that brought everyone down.. I was the one that did the stupid stuff to make them laugh.. I was the one with a quick word of encouragement. Now I am the one that people are saying "stop feeling sorry for yourself" "go do something worth while" and "go try to make your life better". I WOULD LOVE TO!!!! BELIEVE ME. It takes every ounce of energy I have to even want to breathe and you want me to go make some life altering happiness in your world, in someone elses world?? What exactly is it that you WANT me to do! Yes I am angry.. I am angry at the world, why.. because she won't be coming back. Do I think God DID this TO me.. no not particularly but I don't think he tried to stop it either. So no.. I don't feel comfortable enough to hand everything over.. to have the faith that here you go.. here is the the rest of me.. here take what I have left because there isn't much there.. lets see what you can work on that. I believe in God. I am not saying I don't. I am not saying I won't have full faith again.. I am not saying I don't have full faith right now. I am saying I am mad, no one said I couldn't be mad at God. Jesus got mad at God in case you were wondering and heavens knows I am not Jesus. Not one .. but two of my babies.. gone.. and I am supposed to trust God with what I have left. Let's just put this in real world terms.. I have 5 quarters.. I give you two to hold for me to take care of, to help build into beautiful beings, yet you took both of the quarters and threw them off a bridge, would you expect me to give you the other three quarters to hold?? No.. and if I did it to you .. you would probably punch me in the face... especially if those 5 quarters are all you have in the world.
Some days I am lucky to put on my clothes, I see it as an accomplishment. I still work a 40 hour week job, and not screwing up too badly, accomplishment. Drake isn't starving to death, accomplishment. I get off the sofa every day, accomplishment. I write, accomplishment. But if I am not working on getting back to who I used to be.. I am failing. Why can't anyone .. the most important ones see these tiny things for what they are. accomplishments. Instead.. I feel like a failure.. that nearly 6 months later I am no better. That running doesn't matter to me... running who gives a flying crap about a medal.. what good does it do for me to start at one place and end in another if mentally it does NOTHING to make this better. What good does bootcamp do if I leave feeling like I wasted my time and everyone's around me because they were waiting on me? I was told last night that I gave up on everything that I used to love to do. That I gave up running, bootcamp, going out, being social.. I gave them up. No.. I didn't give anything up.. my world was slammed into a wall and shattered into a million shards of glass that I have to pick up a tiny piece at at time and every time I try to pick some things back up they cut me so deep I do nothing but bleed. Running.. it hurts.. physically and emotionally.. I don't know why, maybe one day I will figure that out. Bootcamp, through NO FAULT of the coaches or many of the other members, a handful of people tainted the pool for me, and yes I am reminded of the words that were said each time I put on my shirt. Those of you that did that.. thank you.. much appreciated. Yea I forgive you.. but I will never forget your immature stupidity and the fact that you did what you did. I think about it every time I would show up, and yes I do have a fear of running into either one of you. Not because I am scared of you but because I am scared of my reaction to you. Going out and being social.. no thank you.. the words that people have said about me, and behind my back always find a way back to me. I have no desire to subject myself to whispers behind my back, believe me it is rather hard for me to act like I don't know what has been said when around these people too. I think I am better off here in my cave far far away from everyone. Church, yes I still love going to church, but crying through the entire service, every song, every topic, getting mad because some man stood up and said "this isn't a grief support group it's a group for people who have lost spouses" oh isn't that special, I am sorry this man lost his wife, I know that had to be very hard, I know he is in grief.. but it took everything in me not to stand up and scream YOU WERE MARRIED TO HER LONGER THAN DEANNA WAS ALIVE! Yet people tell me to get over it.. I should be institutionalized because I am no better. Maybe I should be.
Another mother who lost her daughter just days before De posted this today:
"That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key." -Elizabeth Wurtzel
It's the truth... depression will completely totally destroy a person. I always thought I was stronger than this. That I would never let a mental disease or defect (I watch too much court tv) over take me, weather it be by tragedy or genetics. I was just stronger willed than that. I was never going to be the chick that called my Daddy crying when he asked why.. all I can say is I don't know. Because I don't know anymore.. I just cry, there doesn't have to be a reason. There doesn't have to be a trigger.. I just cry. I don't cry every day. Accomplishment. I am either tired all the time, and want to sleep, or I am wide awake and can't. 4 hours of sleep in a row. Accomplishment. I was told that I needed to be on more meds. More meds I will be a zombie, no thanks. I will fight this some how, I know what to do, I just have to be ready to do it myself.
Don't freak out.. I am not talking about anything stupid here. I am talking about turning it all over to God, I just need to trust God again. I don't trust the people that hurt me.. how am I supposed to trust God. He didn't stop this hurt before it happened 3 and a half years ago.. he didn't stop this hurt when it happened again almost 6 months ago, I have to learn to trust God again. I don't know what that will take, I don't know how long it will take, or where to start, but I will.
As I was writing this today, my very special Aunt who has held me together in so many ways for so many years sent another email. I get the same emails but only read them when she sends them because 1. she puts awesome notes in them 2. they mean more to me 3. I don't have time to read every one of them that come in on that weird folder in gmail now. 4. I know she is going to send me exactly what God wants me to hear, she is good like that. I am including the email here...
Nothing is impossible with God! and He is letting you know that.Praying your day is brighter.Love,Aunt Ann
“Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’ ” (Matthew 19:26, NIV)
TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria
Too many times we limit God with our thinking. God puts big dreams in our hearts, but in our eyes they look impossible and too big to accomplish. Although we want to see our dreams come to pass, we end up focusing on the mountain of obstacles before us. Maybe you dream of starting a business but you don’t know where to begin. Perhaps years of physical challenges have left you feeling like you’ll never be healthy. You look at your situation and begin to wonder how, and if, God will ever bring your dreams to pass.
Be encouraged today that God can do the impossible. He can supernaturally make all of the dreams He’s planted inside of you come to pass. What are you focusing on today? Your situation may seem impossible, but God sees it differently. See your dreams through eyes of faith the way God sees them fulfilled.
Make room in your thinking today for the dreams God has for you. If things look hopeless in the natural, put your confidence in the promises God gave you. Trust in Him to make all things possible for you. As you do, you’ll begin to see your dreams come to pass in ways you never imagined.
A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Lord, I give my situation over to You today knowing with You all things are possible. All of my hopes and dreams are in Your hands, and I will no longer limit You in my thinking. I choose to see my dreams through eyes of faith and believe they will come to pass. Thank You for working supernaturally on my behalf. In Jesus’ Name. Amen
Again at the same time my dear friend who I feel I have let down tremendously about bootcamp sent me the following:
When your ready, HE'S READY. Until you are 100% ready to truly say, " God take this pain, take this hurt, take this inability to move forward away me, " you are going to struggle. None of us are that strong. Not one of us could handle what you have gone through. And everyone that has ever attempted to, failed in some way, shape, fashion, or form. When YOU want to move on, ( that is not forgetting ) God is ready to CARRY you every step of the way. I am always concerned that when you read something like this, your thoughts are, " who are you to tell me when to move on. " I'm nobody. I'm just a friend that loves you and like many others, hurts for you everyday. And even though I read many well intended remarks, friends and family that absolutely have your best interest at heart comments, I know none of us can bring you peace. We are like little bandaids. You know how after a day or two, they get all messed up and have to be replaced. Again, has a purpose, just not very long in sustaining. God's love, God's peace, God's courage and strength, God’s comforting hands are the only TRUE long term sustainable elements that are available to us. BUT, we have to let Him in, 100%, not half step, not just give him as much as we are comfortable with, not just enough so that we can still feel in control, ALL OF IT!!! You've heard the BC coaches say that when you get out of the " comfort circle " thats where the " magic happens. " Well, when YOU decide to truly get on your knees and cry out, " God, this is unbearable, I can't move on, please Lord, I need you to heal my heart, " Anne Marie, that's when the real " MAGIC WILL HAPPEN!!!) I am here for you all day, EVERYDAY! I'm always here for you sweetie. And when you want to pray that prayer....... CALL ME!
You know what this all says to me, that even in my moments of sheer madness, my anger, my hurt, that even if I am not praying and singing out or crying out to God. He still hears me. Just waiting for me to be ready, while that may not be this moment, while that may not be today, it may not even be next week. There is a light at the end of this tunnel even if I can't see it through the fog, and HE is letting me know it at every turn. (So Aunt Ann.. it's ok.. I hear Him.. I will get there). It's funny really.. how I can be sitting here writing this, not trusting myself or anything else in the world, or even God and before I even hit Publish, I get the message, "it's ok you don't have to but I am still right here."
Ok that is enough to ponder on today.