You see that smile? It was a frequent sight... it had sound. It was her laugh. Her laugh was quite unique too. If you heard her in a store of people you knew it was her. You see that band on her arm? Outer Banks Bootcamp graduation band, first round. Now look at the smile again. That is what it fells like. She finished her first camp. Imagine her laughing. The accomplishment it makes you feel that way. The beating your mother to the finish line in a sprint after said mother went back on the track to get you makes you laugh that way. That is why not being in bootcamp right now makes me feel so bad. It is a direct link to how good it makes you feel.
I know I can hear you... "then go back". It's not so simple. Among other things it is one of the things I have tried, I did go back. I had a great team, the Anglerfish. Every single one on the team was amazing in different ways, and the coach I couldn't have hand picked which coach I ended up with better. Todd, I know I haven't said it but thank you. Your kindness, even when laughing because I am hacking up a lung was needed, I would not have completed the few nights I did without it. My team, the encouragement through smiles, words, silent pats on the back, got me from 5:30 to 6:45 each night. (I know you are still questioning why I am still not there.. I am getting there hang on) Each night I completed, I felt ... not much of anything. I knew I was supposed to feel like (look above again) that. I didn't. I would fake a woohoo at the end, get in my car and either beat on the steering wheel or just cry. Not to mention two weeks in I got a lovely virus that had me leaving a trail of hacked up stuff where ever I tried to get to. So now on top of what I am going to explain I had a virus that decided to land me on my butt.
I began bootcamp in March of 2012, it was a tough rainy 40 degree day and by the time we were done we had run over 5 miles. The day before that the farthest I had run in my life was a minute. A MINUTE. I stopped and walked some but not much, it wasn't really smiled upon to walk. I did the best I could and for 5 weeks I went every camp, every run, every training until at the end of those weeks I ran a half marathon. No walking. It was in complete rain and my foot was half rotted off by this point due to a nasty nasty blister but I started running and I finished running.. Look above again.. that smile that is how it felt. Do you know how defeating it is to ones mental state that I can't run a mile right now. The physical pain in my joints, my feet, my body, my head, caused by running is quite unbearable. It isn't pain from the actual run... it's the pain of depression. It gets in your head, your joints, your muscles, the arches of your feet. It does that while typing this blog, it does that while watching a movie. Think back to the worst flu you have had that ache.. that body pain where your eye balls want to pop out and your teeth hurt. Depression does that. I didn't know that, I remember thinking.. dude your depressed watch a funny movie.. get over it. Ha. Guess what it does not work. When compounded with a traumatic loss you can't stop the physical pain or the sadness, it is insane. Ok maybe I am the thing that is insane but I think you are getting my point. In just a few short weeks... I started dreading going hours before.. then all day before... then the night before.. it kept growing. No matter how many times I tried to tell myself no no no you will be fine you have to go to get better. I wasn't even finding the glimmer of that smile above. When I would be there, the only focus I had was, I am not even able to run a mile, I can't do 40 situps in 2 minutes, I can't do a regular push up anymore, box jump.. I was back to being terrified again, leaving me in yet worse despair. So after some talking, to the talking Dr, my God Friend, other friends and family, it has been figured I went back too soon. My body and my brain were not ready, I was pushing an already physically and mentally exhausted body from just doing the day to day activities to run, when there was no gas in the tank. Doesn't work so well, have you tried to drive your car 30 miles with no gas? The car gets mad and cuts off and says nope I am not going any further.. and it doesn't. Believe it or not your body works the say way. Now.. that we have out of the way why I am not there.. why the decision has been made to wait .. again.. I am not saying never I am saying I am not able right now.. let's talk about why it affects me the way it does and why it makes me so angry at myself. I NEED that feeling back, probably more now than ever, it's just not happening.
Let me tell you what Bootcamp gave me and is still giving, and will continue to give for the rest of my life. A network. A support Group. A Best friend. Coaches who support me. Not even the feelings of inadequacy and failure I have in my self right now can take that way from me. If it had not been for Bootcamp I would have never met, Amanda, who you all know has been by my side since the accident, day and night. If it had not been for Bootcamp, I would not have met so many friends who are still standing by just waiting for me to say.. come now.. come see me.. I miss you.. I am ready.. I would list you all but the page would be so full.. but to name a few.. Melinda, Nikki, Amanda, Kami, Amy, Lisa, Sandy, Mellissa, Christine, Mike, Cory, Mike, Betsy, Theresa, Doug and Brant.. the list goes on and on I can't finish it but those are names that come to mind as I am typing. I have Chris.. who can brighten my day with a single text.. weather it be to or from.. Love you my stupid @#$#@$# donut. It gave me Christina who has been a special friend to me, supporting me, understanding, and talking to me about things that I just can't seem to talk to others about, even at times pointing out in words how I am feeling when I can't verbalize it.
I know I can hear you... "then go back". It's not so simple. Among other things it is one of the things I have tried, I did go back. I had a great team, the Anglerfish. Every single one on the team was amazing in different ways, and the coach I couldn't have hand picked which coach I ended up with better. Todd, I know I haven't said it but thank you. Your kindness, even when laughing because I am hacking up a lung was needed, I would not have completed the few nights I did without it. My team, the encouragement through smiles, words, silent pats on the back, got me from 5:30 to 6:45 each night. (I know you are still questioning why I am still not there.. I am getting there hang on) Each night I completed, I felt ... not much of anything. I knew I was supposed to feel like (look above again) that. I didn't. I would fake a woohoo at the end, get in my car and either beat on the steering wheel or just cry. Not to mention two weeks in I got a lovely virus that had me leaving a trail of hacked up stuff where ever I tried to get to. So now on top of what I am going to explain I had a virus that decided to land me on my butt.
I began bootcamp in March of 2012, it was a tough rainy 40 degree day and by the time we were done we had run over 5 miles. The day before that the farthest I had run in my life was a minute. A MINUTE. I stopped and walked some but not much, it wasn't really smiled upon to walk. I did the best I could and for 5 weeks I went every camp, every run, every training until at the end of those weeks I ran a half marathon. No walking. It was in complete rain and my foot was half rotted off by this point due to a nasty nasty blister but I started running and I finished running.. Look above again.. that smile that is how it felt. Do you know how defeating it is to ones mental state that I can't run a mile right now. The physical pain in my joints, my feet, my body, my head, caused by running is quite unbearable. It isn't pain from the actual run... it's the pain of depression. It gets in your head, your joints, your muscles, the arches of your feet. It does that while typing this blog, it does that while watching a movie. Think back to the worst flu you have had that ache.. that body pain where your eye balls want to pop out and your teeth hurt. Depression does that. I didn't know that, I remember thinking.. dude your depressed watch a funny movie.. get over it. Ha. Guess what it does not work. When compounded with a traumatic loss you can't stop the physical pain or the sadness, it is insane. Ok maybe I am the thing that is insane but I think you are getting my point. In just a few short weeks... I started dreading going hours before.. then all day before... then the night before.. it kept growing. No matter how many times I tried to tell myself no no no you will be fine you have to go to get better. I wasn't even finding the glimmer of that smile above. When I would be there, the only focus I had was, I am not even able to run a mile, I can't do 40 situps in 2 minutes, I can't do a regular push up anymore, box jump.. I was back to being terrified again, leaving me in yet worse despair. So after some talking, to the talking Dr, my God Friend, other friends and family, it has been figured I went back too soon. My body and my brain were not ready, I was pushing an already physically and mentally exhausted body from just doing the day to day activities to run, when there was no gas in the tank. Doesn't work so well, have you tried to drive your car 30 miles with no gas? The car gets mad and cuts off and says nope I am not going any further.. and it doesn't. Believe it or not your body works the say way. Now.. that we have out of the way why I am not there.. why the decision has been made to wait .. again.. I am not saying never I am saying I am not able right now.. let's talk about why it affects me the way it does and why it makes me so angry at myself. I NEED that feeling back, probably more now than ever, it's just not happening.
Let me tell you what Bootcamp gave me and is still giving, and will continue to give for the rest of my life. A network. A support Group. A Best friend. Coaches who support me. Not even the feelings of inadequacy and failure I have in my self right now can take that way from me. If it had not been for Bootcamp I would have never met, Amanda, who you all know has been by my side since the accident, day and night. If it had not been for Bootcamp, I would not have met so many friends who are still standing by just waiting for me to say.. come now.. come see me.. I miss you.. I am ready.. I would list you all but the page would be so full.. but to name a few.. Melinda, Nikki, Amanda, Kami, Amy, Lisa, Sandy, Mellissa, Christine, Mike, Cory, Mike, Betsy, Theresa, Doug and Brant.. the list goes on and on I can't finish it but those are names that come to mind as I am typing. I have Chris.. who can brighten my day with a single text.. weather it be to or from.. Love you my stupid @#$#@$# donut. It gave me Christina who has been a special friend to me, supporting me, understanding, and talking to me about things that I just can't seem to talk to others about, even at times pointing out in words how I am feeling when I can't verbalize it.
It gave me pride in myself and in De. The camps she did while she was here with me, she did on her own. She did the work she completed them, I was so incredibly proud of her. Yet another thing that can never be taken away from me.
Bootcamp made me realize that I CAN accomplish things, maybe not right this minute, but I CAN. I can run a half marathon.. technically I can run six (at least I think that is what it is up to now) I can start something and finish it. I can be proud of myself. Those are things that Matt Costa and his team of coaches instilled in my hard head while I was out there running… even if it was really slow. Those are the things that my teams mates gave me with encouraging words. That I CAN do these things. There is no doubt I will do them yet again. When the time is right.
But the best thing that I got from Bootcamp was a family in OBX. As you all know the only actual family I have here is my Sisper Phyllis, I have a wonderful large family back in VA. They are supportive and love me and understand me (ok they try to) but here... I had one physical being and right now I am way too much sadness and ickiness for one person to handle so putting that all on her would have been a massive tragedy! But because of bootcamp I haven't had to.. I know I have an entire network of people I can call. One phone call and I bet three people would show up on my door and not say one word about my dirty house or the fact I am still in my pajamas right now... even in this nasty rain. If that ain't family I don't know what is!
So you see my disappointment and feelings are inadequacy and failure about bootcamp are completely because I do not feel the POSITIVE of it.. I don't feel the utter joy.. I don't feel the accomplishment. RIGHT NOW. It has nothing to do with bootcamp and everything with my depression, mental state and how it is manifesting itself physically. However! This chick remembers those feelings of accomplishment, love, support, pride and I will be back. I will make it there again.. I will run another half marathon. It may not be today.. or tomorrow.. or next month but IT WILL HAPPEN. So thank you Outer Banks Bootcamps and Matt Costa for providing me with love, support, friends and family that will last a lifetime.
Much Love to you all!
De's Mommy
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