It is important to point out that I do know I post about my emotions and feelings and where I am in life at the moment a lot. Hell I post a lot period but there are very good reasons I post about where I am in life. It's not for attention as some have stated.. well maybe it is but not self fulfilling attention. It is to bring attention and awareness to a problem. A problem I have, a problem others have, a problem that you .. you reading this may have. I just have this ability to write about it, so that is what I do.
Some times like yesterday it was a cry for help. Some days it is just because I need to get the words out of my head. Some days it isn't even about me and more about something I have witnessed in someone else. There are some important things to understand in all of this, I will try to discuss them now.
First and foremost, I do know I am playing a dangerous game with my own life. It is not for everyone, I don't suggest or even being to imagine that anyone should try to do it. No, that does not mean I think I am better than others, or have more fight in me, in all honestly it may mean I am flat out stupid, but it is where I am right now. I have medical diagnoses for what is wrong with me, it is more acronyms than I care to go into and if you really want to know I don't mind telling you but it is irrelevant to this discussion. They want me medicated, the same they that didn't want to give me an antibiotic when I felt like I was dying, actually want me to take more pills in a days time that there are days in the week. Nope, no thank you. This problem I have is like the words above say... a wave.. it is a disgusting ugly nasty black tidal wave.. but a wave. It isn't an endless pit, a black hole into nothingness, an ocean of misery, it's a wave. The darkness will subside and the sun will shine again, the problem is if I was medicated not only does the darkness stay away so does the light and you end up living in a gray area that doesn't matter at all. I don't want that to be my life. I deserve more than gray.
Second thing I know, the light is an amazing place to live, but sometimes I burn just a little too brightly and the light gets me in trouble too. I might take risks that others wouldn't dream of, I might spend more money than I have, or I may create an amazing piece of art and throw it away because one thing wasn't right. So far I have managed to control that to a degree and I continue to try.
Next up.. my weight. I work out a lot. I know most of you think why doesn't she weigh 0 by now. Well because of a couple of things. Food and Wine never fail you, they never leave you and they never die. They make very good friends, I didn't say that they don't hurt you, but it is very easy to turn to them. That is why. I know I need to try harder to eat right and drink less. I will get there, just not today I am sure.
I smile. I laugh. I have a good time. I enjoy my friends and family. I walk my Banx. I snuggle with Ilona's doggies. I take pictures. I post funny stuff. I work out. I show up. I do many things that don't look like depression, I think this confuses people into thinking I am ok. Just because I look ok on the outside, does not mean I am not drowning on the inside.
I am exhausted. Physically and Mentally. Yes I do sleep but it is not sleep I need. I need peace.
I am in pain. Physically and Mentally. I don't know which is causing which anymore.
The most important thing you need to know, goes back to the first thing. I know how dangerous this is. I know I am standing on the edge of a cliff watching the wave come barreling at me. I know all it would take was for me to falter just once and it would take me out to sea. For right now I am hanging on, I know there is sunshine right on the other side, but, if ever it takes me, don't be sad, I have been ready to go for a long time.
Love and Peace,