That is exactly what depression is like.
First off it is much like a roller coaster in the fact that you have no idea if you are going to be up or down or in the lights or darkness, you have NO IDEA!!! It's all a mystery until it happens, but that is not what I am talking about here. Follow along...
So reread the first paragraph. Notice that everyone is smiling and laughing and having a WONDERFUL time, in the morning, midday, evening.. still smiling and laughing. Even at the end when you are just over it all and in pain, still smiling and laughing. What you don't realize when you look around is that everyone around you has hurting feet, sore abs, itchy throats, but no one wants to be the one that say.. I hurt. They don't want to be the one that ends everyone's happy day. So they smile and laugh and you never know.
I received a text last night that had multiple points in it that the sender had made about themselves. I read them and I knew there was a silly undertone to it but also knew the statements to be true but I didn't see them as negative things about this person. It was just where life had taken them. My only response was What the Hell???? They very quickly let me know they were writing their own blog post and these were the bad things they felt.
Further along in the conversation it was stated that they didn't understand why I was so hard on myself, but they too understood because they felt the same thoughts. In a million years I would have never guessed, or fathomed that they were in anyway at all sad much less feel negativity toward themselves. It made me wonder how many people were riding the roller coaster and smiling and laughing but wanted to chop their feet off because they hurt so bad.
It made me feel not so incredibly alone.
Maybe if I took the time to just look around, instead of straight down off of the edge, I would find that there are probably others standing right there beside me, others not only needing a kind word in support of the truth I know about them but are also there to lend me the hand I need to see more than the failure. The bottom line is we are all struggling with something, I just don't mind telling people my feet hurt and this is not fun anymore, while others hide it all too well and we don't even have a clue.
We all deal with our struggles differently, me I turn to food and a glass of wine or 6. It is difficult to let go of your security blanket, unfortunately my security blanket is also causing me feelings of failure in other aspects such as my weight and my training ability, so I have a catch 22 going on. Some people hide their struggles, some people talk them over with only close friends, some of us parade them around on the porch for the neighbors to see, and it is all ok.
The important thing here is to just realize we aren't alone.
While I continue to struggle and hang on each and every day, please know, that if I could help just one person in anyway I would. Sometimes, it is the purpose we need to just get to tomorrow.
Much love to you my friends.
PS sorry if this got a little scrambly... I don't think my thoughts were coming out like I intended.