There is really no point in going into all that has gone absolutely backwards since 12:01 am today but lets just say it has been INSANE! It's really neither here nor there and the little sickly monster Banx is recovering nicely on a nice clean pile of clothes that I hadn't managed to fold yet. No, I don't have the heart to make him move I will just wash them again, and I will snuggle him later even if he has turned today on it's end all before I had coffee.
I am in a slightly better place than I was last week and the week before but no where near Ok. I am still racked with never being good enough, strong enough, fast enough, that I am a disappointment and a burden. I am not smart enough, financially stable enough. I eat too much, I drink too much, I don't exercise enough. I am too fat, too weak, too short. I am not committed enough.
It is times like this that I can't find not even one good thing about myself. Nothing. That at 45 years old I am nothing more than a failure. It doesn't matter what you say to me.. that is what I see. Words don't really matter much because my brain can twist them around faster than an Oklahoma tornado (do they have tornado's in Oklahoma?) People don't really mean it.. they are obligated because they are decent kind humans. It's what normal people do, they try to help the pathetic.
I still have two choices, keep on just fighting or stop.
Some where in the middle of all of this there has to be a reason. A purpose. I don't think I was left here on this Earth to be a colossal failure. I do not want to die useless. So the only option left is to keep going, even on days like today when I just don't see the point and it is hard to see through the tears of trying to understand why God would take two of my beautiful babies that were so full of promise ,love and ambition and leave such a failure here for everyone to have to deal with.