I did something yesterday I have not done since February. I worked 11 and a half hours! I had a late scheduled meeting that ended up with a few action items so the hours racked up, normally I have been taking time for myself during the day if I foresee a late day happening but I had therapy (not ready to talk about that just yet) that left me just too tired to make any decisions so I just sat here. I ended up getting lots of things done so it was a good trade off.
I was so darn tired when I was done though I invited dad over for an early dinner so I could get to bed even earlier than my normal early. He asked me if it bothered me to go to bed and then wake up that early, Nope.. NOT AT ALL.. I still like my dark early mornings where it is just me with my thoughts... but that is not even remotely close to what happened last night. Not only did I go to bed super duper early for me.. I slept until the alarm woke me. Now that my friends is TIRED!
Nothing super bad happened during my therapy session so let me point that out. Just some hard truths that I wasn't prepared to face. The majority of the hour was spent on really good things and how well things are and how much more open I am, (I will go into that today a bit) but that one little section.. SHEW that was an emotional doozy! But let's go back to the how open I am feeling. In a way I feel sorry for poor Ed. I think he looked at me more than once last weekend trying to figure out who exactly I was. Remember that mega wall I told you guys about that we worked to take down a few weeks ago in my appointment, well he was not immune to my walls. No one was. I would spend my time guarded, even with him. There wasn't much laughter, silliness, or a million other things. There was very controlled conversations (unless there was a complete melt down and then all bets were off), settings, everything had to be so he only saw what I allowed him to, what I allowed YOU too. I had to not let you .. any of you... see me. Because if you did... you would leave too. (now that is a story for another day)
You were all allowed to see the depression, the weight problems, the struggles, the grief, the worry.. but you know what... not one of those things IS me. They don't define me, they aren't my character or my life. A mental illness, an emotion, or a battle DO NOT DEFINE ME, they may be a part of me, but they are not all I have to offer this world.
How many times do we say things like:
I am bi polar.
I am fat.
I am diabetic.
I am... FILL IN THE BLANK.
But are you? Are you really just fat? Or do you have fat that you want to get rid of, I mean if you are just fat doesn't that mean you are nothing but? Frankly you are anything but .. you know that right? You are not fat, you are YOU with something you want to work on. Are you really just bi polar? Or do you have bi polar disorder that you are battling every day. I could go on and on with things that we all claim we are, but we aren't, we just have.
In thinking about this I realize that the door swings both ways. We trip ourselves up with that sometimes.
I am happy.
I am strong.
I am stable.
Ummm Re? What is wrong with being those things? Nothing absolutely nothing, as long as you realize that they also do not define you. They are part of you and where you are right now, but in life things change, rapidly. If you allow where you are at this moment to define you, let's just use the examples above, if happiness, strength, and stability define you today, and tomorrow you find out you have debilitating cancer, all of a sudden you are no longer the things that defined you, what a serious double crushing blow. You are not those things, they are part of you.
So what does that even mean? It means it is ok to allow yourself to be you, even when you is made up of things like bi polar disorder, happiness, weight struggles, strength, we do not have to be all of something or nothing, we can be all things and everything. Grief does not define my happiness, I can miss my babies and still feel joy. Fat does not define or negate my strength, I can still battle my weight and be strong. Bi polar does not define or negate my stability. I can still recognize my disorder and live a stable and productive life.
We are so much more than we ever imagined when we stop defining ourselves with moments and blips in this thing we can life.
I feel happy. I feel strong. Things are stable. I have bipolar disorder. I am working on my weight. I care for others. I cherish my friendships. I love a good challenge. I enjoy laughter. I still grieve. I feel sad.
I am... me.
Also me talks to much according to Ed.. sorry babe... I have years to catch up on.
Peace love and Light.