I hope today finds you happy and healthy! I am stumbling around this morning thinking of what I should even write about, not because I don't have anything, but because I think I have way too much knocking around that space between my ears. I think I will just start by relaying my life to you, because you want to know what I did yesterday right? It really isn't just about yesterday it is about some bizarre cosmic event (read medication here) that happened and now things are all changed up and I am semi worried but not really. Clears things up doesn't it?
The first thing we need to make clear is that a year ago I thought I was "doing". You know doing the things that needed doing and that I was doing it well. Sitting here today, nope I didn't do any of it well. I just squeaked it by and it was all just at a level of ok I could tolerate. Sure dinner was made, the dishes were done, the house was meh slightly ok, appointments were kept but so many things fell by the way side. Once I was "done" for the day I was just done.. I remember on days that I didn't work super late watching TV waiting until it was time to fix dinner. I would literally trade one screen for the other, and that was on days that I actually stopped sitting in front of the work screen. I prided myself on the amount of time I was putting into work in spite of all that was coming apart at the seams around me. It was not a fun way to live at all, but it also stopped me from facing my mental unhealthiness. "Look at me! I can work 12 hours a day, make dinner, take care of dad, I am doing these things!!! I am good!"
The truth.. I was not good at all! Not even remotely close. The truth is the house wasn't clean, I just couldn't see the dirt. The truth was I didn't really care for dad, I just kept him alive. The truth is I was not succeeding at work, I was just working a lot of hours. The truth is I was not living, I was just existing. It is really hard to see that when you are in the throws of it though, you think you are doing all of these wonderful things and giving yourself to others and helping yourself because you are going through some kind of make do motions, and patting yourself on the back for all kinds of shit that doesn't amount to a hill of beans.
Ok Re get to the point what are you even talking about??
So what does any of that have to do with today? Nothing thank goodness! Nothing at all, in fact I am not even that person anymore, which in of itself is a bit scary.
Circling back to yesterday. I sent Mom a text first thing that said NO MORE FOOD! We over runneth with nibbles around here. While it was greatly appreciated it also threw my planned meals from my box into a tail spin, and going into yesterday I had all four meals from last week left and I am expecting 7 more today (I accidentally forgot to cancel one). Not to mention neither Drakester or I need the carbs making their way in here. I sent a list of these are things that are excepted other than food "sweeping, washing dishes, laundry, watering plants" She immediately started freaking out trying to figure out how that was going to fit into her day, before I explained I was not asking her to do these things, I was just giving her examples of things that would help that was not food related. Shortly after, or maybe it was the night before, everything is running together, I had gotten a text from Ed that said "Please don't over do it, take some time for you"
I started my day yesterday at 530, worked straight through until 1:30. Checked off my list of work "to do's" like no bodies business. I quickly laced up my shoes and went for a 1 mile run, hopped on my bike rode for 2.5 miles, fiddled with the jet ski (got no where), decided to paddle board a bit, watered my plants, helped Drake get a sink bath (he thought he smelt bad but I forgot to put on deodorant yesterday so it was likely me), set him up in the living room for awhile, swept the floor, made a milkshake (not for me) washed dishes continuously, changed Drake's bed, did not one, not two, but three loads of laundry, cooked two of our meals because 1 isn't enough for 3 people to stretch I need do supplement better and I can make it work, cleaned up the kitchen, took myself to the shower, folded the clothes because you can't fold clean clothes when you are as nasty as I was, and went to bed at 9 pm.. you know early, so I wouldn't over do it.
PS Babe.. I am sorry.. I think I was asleep before my head it the pillow I didn't realize until this morning I didn't send you a good night text!
Anyway all of this leads to the question of, am I over doing it? I literally don't stop or slow down from the time my eyes open until they close. While I realize I work a desk job, that job is very mentally demanding so don't short me (or yourself if you have a desk job) it is physically taxing. Poor Ed goes back to Richmond to get away from me, he goes back to work at his physically demanding job to rest! Again, am I over doing it? I don't think so. This isn't a manic frantic house clean. This isn't a IT HAS TO BE DONE RIGHT NOW episode. This isn't a do all of the things but do them half ass session. This isn't a rapid fire do 20 things at one time but complete none. This is, just living. This is making a list and checking things off appropriately, when I swept the floor, it was the whole floor all at once, when I folded the laundry it was also put away, when I washed the dishes it was also a kitchen wipe down, when I finished with the jet ski it was walk away, not come back 20 times, while the list was long and did not leave for boob tube watching I did things for me, that run, that bike ride, that paddle board, that jet ski work, it was all for me. At least 2 hours worth of things, was all about me and keeping me sane. Frankly I guess you could say that all of the other things were for me too.
My heart wants to provide. I want to be the person that gives of myself to others. I want to be the mom that Drake can one day say, she was the best! She took care of me when I needed her. (Dustin you aren't excluded of course I would do the exact same for you!.. but please don't get hurt just to prove it :) ) I want to be the daughter that some day is seen for having done all that is possible to make my parents lives better when they need someone. I want to be the employee who gets things done, but also leads by example that you don't have to half kill yourself for the job. I want to be the friend that people can truly count on. I want to be this. I want to over do it. I want my list to be full and complete. I want to lay down at night cheerful over the events of the day and fall asleep before I hit the pillow from a job well done, not out of exhaustion for having HAD to have done it. I want to live on the ladder of it all, not in what some see as a pit of chaos.
Favorite ever quote about chaos. "Chaos isn't a pit," Littlefinger said. "Chaos is a ladder. Many who try to climb it fail and never get to try again. The fall breaks them. And some, are given a chance to climb. They refuse, they cling to the realm or the gods or love. Illusions. Only the ladder is real. The climb is all there is."
And here I am climbing right alone, because the ladder is real, life is real. I am real and I am here really doing all of the things that I need to do to be healthy, remain healthy, and to help others along the way!
Signing off with this, in your long list of to do's today can you add in an hour, 30 minutes, or even 10 minutes for yourself?
Peace Love and Light