So you know I have talked about being in Holland and how that isn’t exactly where my attentions of landing were, but here I am, so now what?
I will tell you now what.. “I can put something on it.”
Are there times that I am sad? Sure!
Are there times that I am mad? Sure!
Are there times that I am even angry? Sure!
I am after all human.
Sitting here right now just typing this I am in tears and that is A OK, BECAUSE in a few minutes. “I can put something on it.”
A year ago I thought that 2019 was a really bad year, a stroke, a car accident, a roof fall… dad was falling apart.
I would gladly go back to 2019 even the days following the roof fall. They were better than this. This is hard.
Please forgive me I am going to be bouncing around all over the place in this post but it is worth it.
I took Italy for granted. I had friends around the corner I didn’t see near enough, because I was too busy. I didn’t go out for drinks with my besties near enough, because I was on a diet. I didn’t work all the shift that I could, … oh wait.. nevermind on that one. Point being is I did not know how great it was when I was in it and then I would let the “bad season” (which typically starts now until May) robbed me of so much more. Wait not only me.. it robbed from people who loved me too.
That “bad season” is tough. Really really tough. The Bad Season bill is big. It isn’t moments of sadness, it is days and weeks in despair. It isn’t angry for an hour, it is angry for months. You get the point. It also sets in a feeling of worthlessness that is hard to shake. I believe that any loving parent who loses a child goes through feelings of “Why was I left here? What is the purpose of taking my child and leaving me here?” It is very very hard to find reasons to not go on along on the next journey in the “bad season”. (don’t worry mom I am ok.. keep reading) Some how over the last 7 years I have made it through each season, most years a little worse for the wear. I mean have you seen me?? I look 80! But finding ones purpose in such grief is unbelievably hard, especially when you know that you have lived your best day already and you some how missed it. So how did I make it through? “I put something on it”
I took a happy memory and I put it on the sad. I took a joyful occasion and put it on the mad. I took an important task and I put it on the grief. I took a work shift and put it on the loneliness. I helped someone and put it on my despair. You have to just keep adding and adding and adding until you pay that bill off and typically that happens around May. There is then a few months of reprieve from the Bad Season payments.
So what does that have to do with 2020? There was no pay off in May, it just became something new. It seems I am putting more and more on this new bill and it is just getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Like you aren’t paying enough to keep up with the interest. It is not as bad as it sounds though, because with the growth of that bill, my purpose becomes clearer and clearer, and it doesn’t hurt quite as bad to have made all those payments in the bad season so that I am still on this journey. One day the bill of my purpose will be paid in full, and I will be able to walk out of Holland without having taken it for granted.
When I held your hand.. I put something on it.
When I called you to make sure you were ok.. I put something on it.
When I made you dinner.. I put something on it.
When I listened when you needed.. I put something on it.
When I wrote your final words.. I put something on it.
When I gave you a break just so you could breath.. I put something on it.
When I turned my cheek.. I put something on it.
When I vented to someone safe.. I put something on it.
You see, we can’t pay off our purpose in one full payment, all we can do is continue to put something on it.
Going into the Bad Season this year, my goal is to just not pick up that bill. I have paid dearly to the grief, the sadness, and the anger. I have my hands full putting something on my purpose.
It is time for what happiness there is, and to not allow others who may not be paying the same bill of purpose as we or the past hurts to keep us from putting something on it.
Peace, Love and Light.