I know that is completely ridiculous as the fact of the matter is, Italy could have been total crap, but it is hard not to view what could have been with very rose colored glasses.
Example, Deanna could have lived and be the amazing incredible person, wife, mother, successful at her career etc etc etc, you know the Italy that my mind and heart made her. We however landed in Holland, with her gone and me here dreaming of and missing her every moment, but is Holland the worst place? She could have lived and we ended up Afghanistan I have a hard time imaging what that would be like as it is hard to picture worse things than your child’s death, but from things I have seen lately.. there are worse things.
Am I making my point here?
We tend to glorify what Italy would be like. What it would be like if my child didn’t die, my marriage didn’t fall apart, I didn’t lose my job, my kids weren’t’ struggling, my family members health was not failing… but the truth is we just don’t know that Italy would be Italy, it could be Afghanistan, but instead here we are in the reality which is Holland. Holland obviously is not Italy at all, and maybe it doesn’t have the glamour and beauty you were imagining, but, look around. Holland while a hard pill to swallow probably has some good qualities that you just are overlooking.
My Holland happens to be my life in Mathews right now. I miss home. I miss friends. I miss my bed. I miss my son. I could go on and on as I have not so long ago, but I won’t. Truthly OBX right now is Italy and being viewed through those rosey rosey glasses. Things like, I would not weigh as much, or I would have more money in the bank, or I would have done xyz with my friends.. the rosey list just goes on and on and on, but who knows none of those things may be the truth and we just don’t know. I know better than to look in my minds eye but here I am this morning wanting to just pack my things and go home. If nothing else just to get myself back into my routine of working out and maybe lose this weight that I gained again and be with my people. I am struggling so darn hard and continuously turn to the food for comfort.
But what has Holland provided me. Morning after morning it has provided me the peaceful view you see above, coffee tastes really good with that view. It has provided me time that I would have never had with my mom and dad, and I have been able to support them in ways I just could not have if I was in Italy. I was able to spend time with my beloved aunt that otherwise would have been impossible, and just days before her journey I was given the gift of a hug and an “I love you” that I would not have gotten otherwise. It has provided the ability to share my time with countless friends and time to host them for dinner. I have gained two “brothers from another mother” and incredibly grateful that I have been able to spend time with each. It has allowed me time to develop skills that I never would have had the need for, such as, feeding 14 dogs, using a chain saw, rescuing dogs, catching escaped dogs, loading fire wood, riding a jet ski alone.. I could go on but you get the point. It has given me countless hours to get on Ed’s nerves that in of itself is worth it. Truthfully it has allowed Ed and me both time in Mathews together that just otherwise would not have happened, and while it is still a work in process we have come a long way to making a home in here, and not just a house.
So are you waking up in Holland this morning, look around, Holland is magical too.
RSS Feed
