I have to start focusing on the good times, the moments of love, joy and complete totally silliness that we shared. She would want it that way, I do realize this, so many people tell me this, but the guilt and sadness of me not being the perfect Mommy consume me in ways that you could never imagine.
It is hard for me to focus on what is still here with her gone, her brothers, my job, her friends, my friends, our family. They are very important to me, yet feel so unreal without her here, like some kind of fog mixed with an overwhelming fear that this will happen again. I am sure many of you are thinking, it won't happen again that the odds are so slim, yet you forget it DID happen again. To me, to Drake, to our family, twice we have had to grieve the loss of a child, brother, and family member that should never have left us so soon.
It is for these reasons I personally am having a hard time with this up coming weekend. Drake is tired of making the trip to Virginia with me and says.. "Mom I just want to stay HOME. My life is here." I am forcing him to live a life with me in sadness with every trip I make back home but I NEED to be there. He says, "Mom I will be fine." and he always was before, but now, today, tomorrow, I can't trust that he will be ok. I am not being fair to him, to the the things he wants to do. I have never been the mother that had to know where her kids were every second, or needed to speak to them every day, I allowed them to be them without a hovering mama bird trying to alter who they were. I feel like I by my insistence on Drake traveling with me back and forth I am not trying to alter who and what he is and that is unfair to him.
I have to make the decision to let him do as he wishes or pull the ultimate Mom card and force him to go. Not the best position for me to be in right now, as I don't know if I am acting on common sense or ultra high emotional ramble. Something that I need to figure out between now and Thursday.
As always in closing Give. Live. Hug. today.