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Joy, silliness and grief... 

5/21/2013

5 Comments

 
Picture
There a probably quite a few things that I shouldn't tell anyone about this day, It was my best friends birthday and while it wasn't the day that I had De stand in a chair so I could serenade her (and the rest of the town) with a very off key version of "My Little Girl" it was still a fun day.

I have to start focusing on the good times, the moments of love, joy and complete totally silliness that we shared. She would want it that way, I do realize this, so many people tell me this, but the guilt and sadness of me not being the perfect Mommy consume me in ways that you could never imagine.

It is hard for me to focus on what is still here with her gone, her brothers, my job, her friends, my friends, our family. They are very important to me, yet feel so unreal without her here, like some kind of fog mixed with an overwhelming fear that this will happen again. I am sure many of you are thinking, it won't happen again that the odds are so slim, yet you forget it DID happen again. To me, to Drake, to our family, twice we have had to grieve the loss of a child, brother, and family member that should never have left us so soon.

It is for these reasons I personally am having a hard time with this up coming weekend. Drake is tired of making the trip to Virginia with me and says.. "Mom I just want to stay HOME. My life is here." I am forcing him to live a life with me in sadness with every trip I make back home but I NEED to be there. He says, "Mom I will be fine." and he always was before, but now, today, tomorrow, I can't trust that he will be ok. I am not being fair to him, to the the things he wants to do. I have never been the mother that had to know where her kids were every second, or needed to speak to them every day, I allowed them to be them without a hovering mama bird trying to alter who they were. I feel like I by my insistence on Drake traveling with me back and forth I am not trying to alter who and what he is and that is unfair to him.

I have to make the decision to let him do as he wishes or pull the ultimate Mom card and force him to go. Not the best position for me to be in right now, as I don't know if I am acting on common sense or ultra high emotional ramble. Something that I need to figure out between now and Thursday.

As always in closing Give. Live. Hug. today.
Much Love
De's Mommy
5 Comments
Abby
5/20/2013 10:51:08 pm

Re, you are one of the strongest women I have ever met. Your blogs are always inspiring and I look foward to the next. You are such an amazing writer. Maybe you should think of publishing a book about your situation and share it with the world. Im sure many other moms who are going through the same thing would love to hear all the inspiring things you have to say!

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Thing 3
5/20/2013 11:13:48 pm

Re - Be gentle with yourself. I do not know one perfect Mommy in this world, we are all human and so are you. I remember Deanna as an independent, strong, beautiful young lady. She got those traits from you. Remember all the love you feel for her and remember that in her eyes you were a perfect Mommy.

Your son is also an independent strong young man and he is letting you know that he can't handle the reflection in VA. He is grieving, but he is young and he is letting you know he is trying to normalize. In his eyes you are also the perfect Mommy.

Our children love us unconditionally and at a certain point in life they realize their mothers are human beings that aren't perfect.

You are loved, you're family is loved and you need to do what you feel is right to heal and your son is letting you know what he needs to do heal. Just keep taking in the days one at a time and continue to be gentle to yourself.

Love - Thing 3

Reply
Kim
5/20/2013 11:31:37 pm

Hugs

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Sherry
5/21/2013 11:39:29 am

Ann Marie, I love this photo, and it made me cry. That's the second time today I've cried over a photo of Deanna. I think I knew our girl well enough to say that she harbored no long-term grudges over anything anybody ever did. Like you, she lived each day afresh and loved the people around her without reservation. She especially loved her mom. I have no advice for you except to echo what "Thing 3" said: Be gentle with yourself.

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Sherrie
5/21/2013 12:46:41 pm

I think it is completely normal to want to hold Drake closer and keep him nearer at this time. I think it is also normal for him to want to live his life and to get back to some sense of normalcy. I am sure that he understands your need just as you understand his need. You will be able to let him stay at home as you go when the time is right for you both. The mere fact that you are posting about it now is a sign that you are moving in that direction and realize that it is inevitable that the time is coming when you will go off and Drake will remain at home. When that day comes, you will both have made a small step forward and it's okay to do that. Thinking of you always and praying for any moments of comfort you can find in these days ahead.

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