Something haunts me about her being alone, it was so quick that I couldn't have changed it if I was there, but I still regret not fighting harder to get to her, to just hold her hand, just anything. My brain knows that would have not changed anything but my heart won't accept it. That I just didn't do enough. The image won't leave my head of her alone... just alone.
This weekend I completed a half marathon and a 5k in her memory, those miles moved forward, the steps I took moved me forward, but time has stood still. Time just waiting for the text counting down the days to when she would graduate and be back here with me where I felt she belonged. Where her new journey in life would take off, to beautiful beginings of a bright future. Those were stolen from her, from me, from her friends and family, that time is just gone. Everyone says I need to keep going and doing and just take one step further, the truth, I can take all the steps on this Earth that anyone wants but it will never be the same again.
I keep thinking that X will make me feel better, or Y will make me feel better, then guilt over trying X or Y because I shouldn't feel better, SHE should feel better not me. She should be happy and getting ready to graduate with her classmates. Happy that she was on her way to our beautiful beach. Happy to get back to her Bootcamp family. Instead she is gone and we are the ones left here unhappy that none of those things will happen now. I understand life goes on, I understand that people are getting married, graduating, having babies... all happy occurrences and while I WANT to be happy for them, some horrible part of me just wants to scream STOP! How can you just keep going, how can you expect me to be happy for you, how am I supposed to be happy? My child, my beautiful baby won't have those chances in life.
I know this blog is so focused on the sadness of the loss of Deanna and for that I apologize but focusing on anything else now seems impossible. Being consumed with this hurt and emptiness is just where I am.
Today I went to Bootcamp, I made a promise that I would go and I did. Our team did amazingly well, in the lead most of the time and performed well with the tasks that were handed to us. We weren't the "elite" team of the day, even I am smart enough to know that but we kicked butt. Six weeks ago I would have been shouting from the roof tops of our accomplishments, but all I could muster was .. "we did good". It all seems so pointless... running on a beach toting a log.. jumping in the ocean... seeing the sun come up again.. all things six weeks ago that meant so much to me. Now it is riddled with guilt of doing it without her, knowing that she won't be there in a month to join me. That she won't beat me to the finish line laughing at me the whole way because she was holding back from the start. There won't be any more photos of us at bootcamp graduations... no more who gets to shower first while the other walks the pup. How do I get by that, how do I go through a day without thinking of what she would be doing, or now what she is missing, how do I do the things that I know she would have wanted to do and even remotely feel ok doing them?
I realize at this point I am writing a post of rambling nonsense and it will probably leave you all shaking or scratching your head as to what I am even trying to say. In short.. when asked "How are you?" which by the way EVERYONE asks.. my answer is always one of the following, I'm ok. or I'm fine. or I'm standing. The only truthfully answer there is the last.. standing. That is all I am doing.. standing still in one horrible spot in life where my child is just gone, standing waiting on the day that I can be with her again.
I know this is not fair to my other children, I get that. I am sure at some point I will be able to move from this spot and be there for them, right now I am about as useless to them as a wet noodle as a shoe lace. I am pretty much the same way to my friends and family. They don't know what they will get if they call or text... sad, mad, or just numb. Today I am all of them.
I don't understand how my beautiful daughter was taken from this earth but murders, child molesters, 98 year old people begging to please let them go home are still here. I don't understand I will NEVER understand why my baby had to go. I know we aren't supposed to question it, that it was fate, or destiny or a plan of God. Well I am sorry but this fate, destiny or plan SUCKS! I lived my life, I partied, I had fun, I have done 90% of anything I needed to do, why wasn't it me. Why was her life cut so short? Why weren't we given the chance to say goodbye, to help her fight to live?
So to everyone that asks.. How am I? Now you know.. this is how I am. This is how my seconds, minutes, hours, and weeks are spent. Trying to figure out how to go on with a huge unreal emptiness. That is how I am.
As always I am asking that today you give someone some of your time, live for you... be YOU.. and hug someone, anyone.