Are you wearing a mask? Look deeply into your heart. Is there someone who knows your deepest fears, failures and sins. In your journal today, talk to God Frankly (who knew God's name was Frankly?? ok ok Kidding) about it and begin to ask him what to do about it.
Let's see am I wearing a mask.. yup. My mask is different though because Frankly (giggle.. sorry) I am an open book when it comes to my true self. I am who I am, I have pink hair, I party too hard sometimes, I play often, I don't hold back, I don't quit even when I should, but I AM who I am. I don't hide it, I don't try to be something or someone I am not. But on a more biblical study group note and something that came up last night: I don't put on the "Praise God Hallelujah mask" of the perfect Christian who goes to church every Sunday or is at every service smiling and happy and pretending to be something I am not. I go when I go, I serve when I can. Never have I ever played the role of the "perfect Christian" and I probably never will. The mask I do wear is the one of strength during this time. So many people say "I am amazed at your strength, you are so strong." The truth, I am not. I am a flipping disaster! At this point in my life I suppose it is to be expected and I don't FEEL strong at all. I think that is my mask.. my "mask of strength" and as I pointed out rather bluntly in bible study last night... the drugs help. I don't hide my hurt or grief so I don't understand how people are seeing this strength, so I can only assume I am wearing a mask around others. What I thought I was doing was hiding or staying in the back or putting myself in the position so I can get out and get out quick. I still don't do well with lots of people talking. Last night in group I was so grateful that Ms Margaret spoke up when 4 people all started at one time and called it back to just the one that needed to talk, it still pushes me to a point I can't stand when there is rambling coming at me from different directions.
My sins, failures, and deepest fears are also an open book, I don't hold back on my blogs or in my life. I do what I do, some right, some wrong. I don't hide it from God, my family or friends. My failures are as public as my accomplishments. My deepest darkest fears have occurred, how can I be afraid of anything else after the death of two of my babies. What else is there to fear? My own death? That to me is comical as well, while I am NOT suicidal, so please don't call the men in white coats on me, if I died today, it would be a welcomed relief from the pain that I have been left here with. The only pain of my death would be that my parents would feel THIS. Do I have an irrational fear that the death of another of my children could happen, I don't think so, why not, because how can you fear something that is so possible. Did I have that fear before Deanna's accident? Yes. I won't lie. Did I fear it before Lil Dustin died? Yes. Did I imagine what would happen if I lost one of my children? Yes. Our family has been riddled with the death of our children, you would not be human if you didn't wonder yourself ,would I survive the death of my own child. Would I scream for hours? Would I be calm and go through the motions? Would my life be over? Normal rational questions that one thinks about when someone close to them is going through this. I have found out the answer to those questions twice now. The answer is there is no answer. You don't know until it happens and even after it does you don't remember what you did or how you reacted or how or if you are going to survive. My deepest fears, they came to light. What else is there for me to fear?? Does that mean I don't worry about my boys? NO! I worry greatly, but when your worst fear becomes reality, I don't think you can ever label it as fear again, but more of a possibility.
My failures, my biggest failure I have always said it was as a mother. I have never felt like I was a good mom, ever. I always felt I wasn't doing enough. I couldn't give them enough. I wasn't stable enough, because lets face it I am all over the place. I wasn't there enough. But when you are made to feel like a bad mom, sometimes you feel that the best thing you can do for your children is to not burden the children with your crazy. I never felt like I didn't LOVE them enough. I loved them tremendously, enough that I felt they deserved better than me. So before you judge me for things I did in my past where my children were considered maybe you should have walked a mile in my shoes and felt the hurt in my heart that I couldn't give them what someone else could. You try making the choice of having your babies close to you and struggling to just survive or letting them go and have everything they could dream of. But believe me I have the greatest amount of guilt and regret over not standing up and saying I can do this! They may not have had great vacations, or they may have been with a baby sitter more than they should have been, they may not have had home cooked meals every night but they would have had me. Crazy or not. On the flip side of that, they did have me in their life, they weren't abandoned, I did not walk out on my children never to return and in the process of how they were raised each and every one of them turned into AMAZING young adults! AMAZING! So my failure in this is my own, yes it took a village to raise my kids, and that is ok because they turned out great. But please dont judge me for my decisions without knowing the inside story, I judge myself enough. So speaking of judgement, I hope that this paragraph gets to that little busy body that so nicely with me sitting there said I was "no mother", check yourself lady... because the love of a mother comes in MANY FORMS! And there is one thing I have learned since that day.. you said that my daughter TOLD you that I didn't want her and she felt like she didn't have a mother. I learned my dear you LIE. It took me a few days or weeks actually but I know in EVERY ounce of my being that was a lie. My daughter and I may not have lived in the same house all of her 19 years, but if she doubted me so much, would you care to explain to me why she was so excited to get back here on June 17th? If she was so close to you as you said, why was there never a mention of you to me or any other of her closest friends? Want to know what else I learned about your little scene. First that God is much stronger than me, because as I was sitting there listening to your words, I couldn't move. I was rendered motionless, which you should be grateful for, because at that moment if I could have moved I can promise you that the next time you opened your mouth about someone so horribly it would have been without teeth. Second I learned that the devil will get in, into your heart and mind, in many different forms. You with tears in your eyes, standing there, so apparently sad, were nothing more than the devils messenger that day. Third I learned that you have to forgive, I forgive you and I pray for you, but I will never forget the words you spoke, I pray for you because there is something purely evil in your heart. Regardless if you knew I was there or not, you were looking at a grandmother who just lost her grand daugther and telling her how much of a piece of crap you thought HER daughter was. Lady... you need some serious prayer. I think I got off of the topic of failure to a degree. I guess though if I didn't feel like a failure as a mom her words would not have bothered me so it ties in.
As for my sin... we don't have enough time. I think that based on my life everyone knows I am a sinner, to be honest we all are right? I don't hide my sins from God. I am not big enough to even think I can hide anything God. Come on now.. that would be silly. Ok enough of my journalling home work!
I have news! Drake and I completed the first of the summer Outer Banks Bootcamps session this morning! While I was not there for quite a few and attended when I could, I did make the run today from Awful Arthur's to the monument today with my team. At the end I see Drake standing behind the Rev screaming "Go MOM! You can make it!" I am proud that my friend Brant was named honor graduate and my friend Tyler's Dad Billy the other, but to me in my heart, this session the honor graduates were Deanna and Drake. I sent Deanna to heaven with my honor graduate tag, I have not mentioned this to anyone other than Matt until today, the reason I did this was because of the testimony her short life showed and I realized that SHE deserved the honor much more than I. She helped people when she could, she was always available with a smile and a hug, whether it be to a friend, fellow bootcamper or a stranger. She touched so many more lives than I imagine I could in 90 years. Deanna was looking forward to getting back to her bootcamp family this summer and there is no doubt that she would have showed the support to her fellow team mates that only a true honor graduate could. She is my beautiful angel honor graduate forever. Now I am a bit bias here and not a General or a Rev, heck I don't think even think I am a private, so this is just my opinion and if I had another tag that had been presented, in the past, to me I would have given it to Drake today as MY honor graduate. Since the day we got home from Virginia after the nightmare began he has attended camp. He hasn't missed a day, and the days I came, he supported me and encouraged me with kind words of "Mom it will do you some good, will you please go with me?" On the days I couldn't when he came home he would burst in my room with a wide smile "MOM GUESS WHAT I DID!" it has been those moments that have kept me coming back to Bootcamp myself. Drake may not be the fastest or the strongest camper, and sometimes he complains a lot about the pain and as a mama I am going to explain a bit that maybe some of you don't know. Drake has grown over 6 inches in the last year, do you remember growing pains? Yea try growing THAT much. Another little secret that you probably don't know about Drake, bootcamp isn't all he does, he has weight lifting as a class EVERY DAY at school and after school he spends 2 hours at football practice. Of course the kid is slow out there .. HE HURTS! But not one session did he miss. Nothing held my boy back. So to you Drake you are MY honor graduate. I am so incredibly proud of you and thank you for being my rock. You are an amazing amazing kid!
So today I leave you with much of the same.. GIVE! Give your words of praise to your kids, family and friends. LIVE! Get outside today even for a moment and enjoy it. HUG! Someone anyone.. you don't know who's mom or son it could be!
And DON'T FORGET YOUR DEANNA HUG!