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Starting over..

5/14/2013

I know it is hard to see here but De has a cast on her leg, after she broke that leg she never gave up and with in days was dragging that cast around that went up to her hip! Maybe I need to take lessons from my baby girl.

Some how I have to start life over at almost 42 years old. I have to learn how to live again, smile again, laugh again, run again, and even breathe again with a whole piece of me missing. Yes, as I have said I have been seeking help for this and I can't tell you if it is helping or not, it just has not been long enough to even know if I am actually still alive or not.

Sounds weird huh? Well in my retelling of what happened to numerous people, doctors, therapists, just people on the street, it has dawned on me that I can tell exactly what I remember happening, like it is a movie, or a really bad book I read. There is no reality to my words and some where in my muddled brain I wonder, is it me that doesn't exist anymore. Maybe part of that is wishful thinking in that if I don't exist she does. Maybe it is because part of me really doesn't exist anymore, at least not on this earthy place we live in.

So how does one start over with out part of them, I guess in a way it is much like a person who loses their arm, or their leg, you just have to learn again and have faith that God will get you through it. You have to try to take that first step, if you fall down, you have to get up and try again, you may make it 6 steps and fall down again, then you might make it 2 steps and fall down again, I think the point is I have to keep getting up and trying. It may not be pretty and there may be more falling than steps right now but I am trying.

Yesterday I went to Bootcamp, it was my second time since the accident, it doesn't "feel" the way it used to. Maybe it is the drugs I am taking, maybe it is my body is just so worn down it doesn't react the way it did before, maybe I just keep thinking in a few short weeks I would be bootcamping with De, maybe it is still that overwhelming feeling I get from being around a lot of people at once. I don't know what it is but I am TRYING.

Speaking of trying Friday evening I leave for Maryland with Amanda, on Saturday I am going to TRY to run my third half marathon of the year, I feel like why bother.. it just isn't important, to be honest nothing at all seems important anymore (anyone know a good maid??). It is more important for me to go to Mathews and be with my Daddy. This will be the first weekend that I haven't gone home since... this will be the first weekend that I TRY to do something different. I can't promise you that I will be successful but I will try. I may have to walk the whole thing.. but I will TRY.

I am not sure of the point I am even making today, just rambling I suppose, but those were the words that needed to be said today. I don't know where you are in life or what tragedies or accomplishments lie behind or ahead of you, the only advice I have for you is to take it minute by minute and simply TRY.

Remember your Deanna Hug today!
Love Always,
De's Mommy

7 Comments

Can we just skip a day?

5/10/2013

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I am suggesting that we go from Saturday to Monday this particular weekend. Just have two Monday's I am ok with that. I am not sure how to even face it. Do I give my mother a card.. will it make her cry.. will I simply just cry all day waiting on the text or call I always got from De that I know won't come? Will I just go on like any other day? Girls are different, they remember. She was always the one that remembered the holidays, the birthday's, the just out of the blue random "I love you, Mommy."s.

There isn't much for me to say today, other than I do wish all mothers every where a wonderful day on Sunday and hug your babies tight. I pray that there never comes a day that you are waiting on the "I love you" that you won't ever hear again.

I will apologize for the complete and total sadness of my blog posts but words of happiness just aren't in my heart right now and this is the outlet I have chosen to help ME get through this, but also in hopes that someone somewhere won't feel alone in these same feelings if needed, or some child reads the anguish caused and remembers to get their Deanna Hug!

Much Love
De's Mommy

7 Comments

Hugs and Heartbreak

5/9/2013

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Today I can't seem to get by the fact that the last time I saw you .. you hopped out of the jeep after holding a pot of cabbage for miles, (yea I know.. yuck right) we took the long way back to Anita's because silly me took a wrong turn. That's all I remember. I don't remember the last words I said or you said as you got out, I can't even see you getting out of the jeep. I don't know if I said I love you. I don't remember if you leaned in and gave me a hug or not. I just can't remember. The last thing I do remember is saying "Opps I was supposed to turn back there." I don't remember the moments after that or the rest of the trip, just "Opps I was supposed to turn back there." That was the last time I saw you.

The last time I talked to you I remember the whole conversation. It was a very mature conversation where we discussed options for after the summer. And me stating all the reasons why I thought you staying on here in OBX after the summer was a great option, I knew there were many more opportunities for you here. The problem is I don't remember the end of the conversation, I don't know if I said I love you, I don't know if you said I love you too. I don't remember hanging up. Why is it that I can't remember the most important words and actions. I can't seem to remember living memories, only photographs in my mind. I can't hear your voice. I have tired. The very things I need to hold on to I can't seem to find.

Since I came home I have been tough, I haven't cried much, been a walking disaster but no tears. I keep telling myself I have to hold it together I have to be tough, I have to be strong. That no one needs to see me break. Today I can't stop. I just want to hear "I love you Mommy" even if it's a memory.

To those of you reading this today.. I beg you.. even if you have already, say it every day, annoy them with it, are mad, upset, or haven't spoken to your kid for years.. call them! Tell them you love them and remind them to get their Deanna Hug.

Much Love to you all
De's Mommy

7 Comments

Open and Honest

5/8/2013

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Yesterday I did go to the Dr, by the way Dr Christina Bowen is nothing short of an amazing person and doctor. If she wasn't my doctor she is definitely someone I would have picked as a friend! I already figured out what was wrong with me before I went, yes I am big into self diagnosis because well I hate doctors. Anxiety caused by stress. Well bingo.. Diagnosis correct.

That also unfortunately means taking medication during the day to keep me ...well.. sane. It is a vicious cycle, I start working on something, it doesn't go right, I stress, I start a panic attack, I stress because I am panicking and it gets worse from there. Sadly there is also the unrelated nonunderstandable panic I have set on by just being around too many people at once and no one even has to be doing anything to me. The sound of voices talking all at one time overwhelm me and I can't understand the conversations as I am getting bits and pieces from different conversations as I feel like I am failing everyone talking because I can't focus on what they are saying. There are also many times that ONE person is talking to me and as a good friend put it, they are talking Chinese. It is hard to put into words how this affects me because so many people are trying to be supportive and say kind words and what I hear is .. "kjdfgoi;hfd;fjds. oihsdikjfdkweoi. lksjdflkhdskfh?" to which most of the time I just nod. I am probably nodding to I am fixing cow tongue sauteed with pigs eyes.. would you like some?? That is just how things happen to me.

The other down side is sleep issues, I already had sleeping problems before this, now it is more like I don't have sleeping problems much at all, because I just don't. In order for me to lay down at night I have to practically be crawling down the hall so exhausted I don't really even remember going to bed, or fall asleep in the middle of doing something. This is also a drug induced daily activity. Which also leads back to the cycle of stress, when you don't sleep your body and mind do not cooperate with each other AT ALL.

The brutally honest part, I feel weak, not physically weak (well due to lack of sleep I do) but I am talking emotionally weak. I should be tough, I shouldn't be falling apart, but I am. It makes me feel like a failure as a parent, friend, employee, and bootcamper. I didn't want Drake to see me fall apart, he has. I didn't want to be the daughter that my parents didn't know how to help, I am. I didn't want my friends afraid to approach me or not know what to do to help me, they do. I didn't want to be the employee who can't concentrate all the time or panics over simple tasks, I am. I don't want to be the bootcamper that misses more time that showing up because she is in a full state of drug induces haze at 4:30 am because it is 1 am before she can lay down.. I am. I honestly do not know who I am anymore. 3 weeks ago, I thought I was a good mom, good friend, good employee, and good bootcamper (ok ok at least I tried), now... I am empty. I wonder if life will ever hit a normal again, if bootcamp will feel good and something I can be proud of, if I will ever feel ok to laugh with a friend, if my parents will ever not worry about me losing my mind... these are the things that bother me. These are the reason I feel weak and like a failure.

I am getting help, I am as I said medicated and seeking counseling through my doctor in hopes that talking to someone will help. As my Aunt Ann pointed out yesterday that was INCREDIBLY hard for me as our family as never been much on therapy or issues of the mind. We have been a family of .. be tough.. you will be ok... as JJ would say Walk it Off, I think I could walk to the end of the earth and it wouldn't help. The truth.. I am not tough or ok anymore. I am sharing this with you so not only do you have a little insight as to how I am feeling (because Lord knows I am not going to open my mouth and tell you) but also for those out there that are hurting emotionally and afraid to seek help. I am not going to lie, it is shameful to do, but it is also shameful to have your life fall apart around your feet and not doing a thing to pick it back up.

I pray that soon I can get back to a new normal and back to things that made me me.. bootcamp, friends, family, work... and I hope that each element understands and is patient with me as I pick up all the pieces of my life that were tossed in the air like a horrible game of 52 pick up and sort out where and who I need to be now.

Psalm 119:28 NIV
My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.

Today I speak to the students at Drake's school.. I ask you all to pray that God and Deanna send me the write words to reach these kids in hopes that no other parent has to feel this pain.

Much Love to you all,
De's Mommy

11 Comments

Anger and Defeat...and the way forward

5/7/2013

22 Comments

Sunday was full of anger.. for multiple reasons as I indicated that morning, it got worse from there. The guilt I allow to build in my head due to the misunderstanding of others, I am calling it misunderstanding but the truth is it is much worse than misunderstanding, but I am TRYING to stay positive. Yesterday the only thing I felt was defeat, I have always tried to be a strong person but I don't think I am THIS strong... as a friend put it to me recently "God only gives us what we can handle.. He must think you are made of steel." I am most definitely NOT made of steel and feel so broken inside and out that I am not sure all the kings horses and all the kings men would ever put me back together again.

Yesterday I asked for help, yes I am ashamed of this, but it has gotten to the point that trying to function is near impossible, my mind wanders, it plays tricks on me, it doesn't let me rest. I have an appointment with at 3:15. I am sharing this because I AM ASHAMED... because everyone keeps saying how strong I am. I am not. My point is that even as shameful as it is to me that I can't go on this way, it is OK TO ASK FOR HELP. We all need help sometimes, from family, from friends, from doctors. But most of all we need help from God. If you are reading this finding yourself in a situation that you just think seems impossible, first off, pray, then look around and see if there are living angels that can help you. A friend, a doctor, a stranger that you just haven't reached out to... find the help you need! While God provides us with these avenues in life we do have free will and have to be willing to accept the things we can't change and the courage to change the things we can.

While in Mathews just days after the funeral I went to lunch (at one of my favorite hometown spots Richardson's) with some of my body guards as I jokingly now call them, they were fiercely protective of me through the entire process, and as I sat down James 4:2 (portion) You do not have, because you do not ask... was staring me in the face. I choked up as I read it and said but I DID ASK and I did not get it, I actually had the sign turned around, literally had the back facing the customers, when the waitress went to fix it, there came a very loud NO! from our table, with confusion she walked away. At the time I was so in shock and disbelief of everything that was going on around me that I just could not stomach staring at those words, thinking that I DID.. I DID .. I DID ASK! I asked that God keep her safe.. I asked that God bring her back.. I did not get a response. It has since that day dawned on me that I was asking the wrong things, I should have asked that he keep her safe WITH him, that he give those that were left behind peace, that he gives me the strength to carry on HIS plan as this was not mine. I feel in some ways I am failing in the strength department and have had to not only ask God but my fellow man for help, but in time I pray to get there.

In the mean time, I have an appointment with the high school news paper this afternoon, and speaking at the school tomorrow. God is answering prayers, he is helping me keep De's spirit alive by sharing her words of life with others far and wide! Her page actually has numerous hits from outside of the country!!

In closing I ask that you all say a little prayer that things go well with the students tomorrow, that the right words come to me. Please remember your Deanna Hug today as you hurry about your day, it could be the hug that saves your life.

Much love to all
De's Mommy

22 Comments

14 days 22 hours 48 minutes

5/5/2013

3 Comments

That is how my days go... I can typically glance at a clock and know. Sometimes the science gets mixed up with the minutes and I go backwards but that is just how my simple brain works. This is the exact amount of time since my world was flipped yet again on end and my heart ripped apart.

Two of my babies are now angels in heaven, I don't understand how exactly one gets over this or through it but I am trying. Through speaking Deanna's words I am able to keep going, it is how I am directing my grief and anger, so if you happen to question WHY I am pushing this, WHY I am spending so much time running around like a chicken with my head cut off getting cards, shirts, websites made, my response to you: "I would offer you my shoes to walk in for a moment or two but I don't want you to feel this way.... EVER.. that is WHY I am doing it and how I am doing it".

Yes I am angry, angry that I didn't preach enough to her about her seat belt, angry that I didn't push harder that my sweet boy didn't have his on and maybe maybe she would have remembered, angry I didn't hug her enough, angry that I just plain sucked, angry that I over heard a lady tell my mother that she was the only mother Deanna had because I didn't want her (yes I keep replaying that in my head over and over), angry that I didn't get through to her that morning before she made that trip back home and I didn't hear her voice that day.

Today the only person I am angry at is myself.. stages of grief I suppose. If my grief saves one person, if my anger keeps one more from feeling this way, if my efforts make one person remember their "Deanna Hug" I will own it and set forth to scream it from the roof tops, with the strength of God and De behind me I WILL get her words of life out to the masses.

Give a moment of your time to a stranger today, Live and do something just a little bit silly and hug someone you love.

Please remember your "Deanna Hug" today!
Love
De's Mommy

PS to the lady I over heard.. You KNOW who you are.. and to you I say I DID want my daughter, I wanted MORE for her than I knew I could give her, as she got older I wanted for HER to live HER life as she wanted and guess what SHE DID. Had I held her reigns and not allowed her to be her and be where she wanted to be and when, then I would have many more regrets, but thank you for working your evil words in my head. My daughter didn't just have ONE mom who wanted her who you so nicely pointed out was my mother.. she had THREE! That is how special MY child was. And the next time you decide to talk crap about someone I suggest you make sure that they haven't lost weight and cut their hair before you start talking about them... because it might be the person sitting right beside you.

3 Comments

I asked God and Deanna to help me save one life...

5/5/2013

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He responded quickly.

Luke 11:9 So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

Yesterday I received the following message from a dear friend here on the Outer Banks:

"I know Deanna was with me tonight. I know because I was in an accident and based off of the way I was hit things should have been way worse. It was a true miracle everyone who saw my car said so, the lady behind me was expecting the worst. I've Always been very bad about wearing my seatbelt, but today on my way to meet a friend for dinner I gave myself a "hug" that hug saved my life. I know I had an angel with me I know I did."

She has also posted photos of the car she was driving and I am sharing those here:

I have thrown all of my grief this week into the Give. Live. Hug. The Deanna Hug Project praying that it will save just one person. I did not know that so soon I would hear from someone that I love dearly. I will not stop my efforts, one has been spared serious injury or worse, I now pray I can save thousands.

Please remember your "Deanna Hug" as you travel about this weekend, it is so easy to forget in the hustle and bustle of our busy lives or to just think "I am only going a mile" it is so important that ANY time you are in a moving vehicle that you buckle that seat belt and get your "Deanna Hug"!

May God Bless you.

De's Mommy

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Starting over..

Can we just skip a day?

Hugs and Heartbreak

Open and Honest

Anger and Defeat...and the way forward

14 days 22 hours 48 minutes

I asked God and Deanna to help me save one life...

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