Sounds weird huh? Well in my retelling of what happened to numerous people, doctors, therapists, just people on the street, it has dawned on me that I can tell exactly what I remember happening, like it is a movie, or a really bad book I read. There is no reality to my words and some where in my muddled brain I wonder, is it me that doesn't exist anymore. Maybe part of that is wishful thinking in that if I don't exist she does. Maybe it is because part of me really doesn't exist anymore, at least not on this earthy place we live in.
So how does one start over with out part of them, I guess in a way it is much like a person who loses their arm, or their leg, you just have to learn again and have faith that God will get you through it. You have to try to take that first step, if you fall down, you have to get up and try again, you may make it 6 steps and fall down again, then you might make it 2 steps and fall down again, I think the point is I have to keep getting up and trying. It may not be pretty and there may be more falling than steps right now but I am trying.
Yesterday I went to Bootcamp, it was my second time since the accident, it doesn't "feel" the way it used to. Maybe it is the drugs I am taking, maybe it is my body is just so worn down it doesn't react the way it did before, maybe I just keep thinking in a few short weeks I would be bootcamping with De, maybe it is still that overwhelming feeling I get from being around a lot of people at once. I don't know what it is but I am TRYING.
Speaking of trying Friday evening I leave for Maryland with Amanda, on Saturday I am going to TRY to run my third half marathon of the year, I feel like why bother.. it just isn't important, to be honest nothing at all seems important anymore (anyone know a good maid??). It is more important for me to go to Mathews and be with my Daddy. This will be the first weekend that I haven't gone home since... this will be the first weekend that I TRY to do something different. I can't promise you that I will be successful but I will try. I may have to walk the whole thing.. but I will TRY.
I am not sure of the point I am even making today, just rambling I suppose, but those were the words that needed to be said today. I don't know where you are in life or what tragedies or accomplishments lie behind or ahead of you, the only advice I have for you is to take it minute by minute and simply TRY.
Remember your Deanna Hug today!