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Starting over.. 

5/14/2013

7 Comments

 
Picture
I know it is hard to see here but De has a cast on her leg, after she broke that leg she never gave up and with in days was dragging that cast around that went up to her hip! Maybe I need to take lessons from my baby girl.
Some how I have to start life over at almost 42 years old. I have to learn how to live again, smile again, laugh again, run again, and even breathe again with a whole piece of me missing. Yes, as I have said I have been seeking help for this and I can't tell you if it is helping or not, it just has not been long enough to even know if I am actually still alive or not.

Sounds weird huh? Well in my retelling of what happened to numerous people, doctors, therapists, just people on the street, it has dawned on me that I can tell exactly what I remember happening, like it is a movie, or a really bad book I read. There is no reality to my words and some where in my muddled brain I wonder, is it me that doesn't exist anymore. Maybe part of that is wishful thinking in that if I don't exist she does. Maybe it is because part of me really doesn't exist anymore, at least not on this earthy place we live in.

So how does one start over with out part of them, I guess in a way it is much like a person who loses their arm, or their leg, you just have to learn again and have faith that God will get you through it. You have to try to take that first step, if you fall down, you have to get up and try again, you may make it 6 steps and fall down again, then you might make it 2 steps and fall down again, I think the point is I have to keep getting up and trying. It may not be pretty and there may be more falling than steps right now but I am trying.

Yesterday I went to Bootcamp, it was my second time since the accident, it doesn't "feel" the way it used to. Maybe it is the drugs I am taking, maybe it is my body is just so worn down it doesn't react the way it did before, maybe I just keep thinking in a few short weeks I would be bootcamping with De, maybe it is still that overwhelming feeling I get from being around a lot of people at once.  I don't know what it is but I am TRYING.

Speaking of trying Friday evening I leave for Maryland with Amanda, on Saturday I am going to TRY to run my third half marathon of the year, I feel like why bother.. it just isn't important, to be honest nothing at all seems important anymore (anyone know a good maid??). It is more important for me to go to Mathews and be with my Daddy. This will be the first weekend that I haven't gone home since... this will be the first weekend that I TRY to do something different. I can't promise you that I will be successful but I will try. I may have to walk the whole thing.. but I will TRY.

I am not sure of the point I am even making today, just rambling I suppose, but those were the words that needed to be said today. I don't know where you are in life or what tragedies or accomplishments lie behind or ahead of you, the only advice I have for you is to take it minute by minute and simply TRY.

Remember your Deanna Hug today!
Love Always,
De's Mommy



7 Comments
Kim
5/13/2013 10:36:05 pm

GOOD words or truth!!! <3

Reply
Allison
5/13/2013 10:52:36 pm

I never officially met you but I did bootcamp one year and I didn't know this until shortly after I found out about Deanna, but she was my partner the day we did the Red Rubber Ball down the beach. I recognized her face and name and I had to go back to the Red Rubber Ball video they made to see if it was in fact her. And it was. I remember that bootcamp day the most out of all of them....because Deanna was the first person I officially met and we had such a great time. We introduced ourselves and then I asked her if she knew anyone else here. She told me she was doing this with her mom and she pointed you out. I told her how lucky she was to know someone and to have someone do this with her. She said "yes...I am lucky and thank you for reminding me." Just wanted to pass that along. That is seriously the most I remember of our chit chatting. You are in my prayers.

Reply
Brant Honeycutt
5/13/2013 11:07:09 pm

For anyone to say," hang in there, it will get better " are people who mean well, but have no idea of what else to say. I would be telling the biggest lie I ever told if I said I know what your going through or even pretended to. All I do know is that I love you, me and my family love you, and in whatever capacity you need us, we are here. Please stay close to our Father, let Him abide in you. Yesterday you looked so distant, I wanted to come hug you...something told me not a good time. I'm sorry I listened to that voice. You are witnessing to others by your testimony ( you call it ramblings ) but others see your faith and your desire for us to be faithful and KEEP HUGGING and TRYING!

Reply
Aunt Ann
5/13/2013 11:47:26 pm

Trying and will power to go on are goals that will help you go on in this life's journeyDo not try to rely on your own strength,ask God to be strong in your weakness.You have been admitting your weakness,now God will pour out His strength in you..Stay connected to God living in full and trusting dependence on Him.Nothing is too difficult for Him.2 Corinthians 12:9-10
You are a overcomer!Keeping you in my prayers.Love you Re!

Reply
syl
5/14/2013 05:23:55 am

you know the journey I am on Re, and right now I still have to take it minute by minute, going on 2 yrs since my world was shattered, and still I feel as if I am living in a bad nightmare that wont end. The only thing that is constant is the"love" that I feel. No matter what transpired true love is uncondtional and everlasting. I would be happy to come by and tidy up for ya. May not be to your liking but its my way of helping each other. say when or leave a key. You are not rambling its whats in your heart and its good to let it out. I should have done the same along time ago. Holding emotions and feeling is has made me numb too.
Feeling alone and like there is no one in the world who understands what Im going through but I know thats not true. Many families are suffering. When its you it just feels that way, but I thank God for the true friends, family and especially Pastor Betsy, Pastor Alan, Asheten, Mona, Ms Joanne and a few select congregation members who love support and encourage me to lean on God, faith and hope that as crazy its seems there is a divine plan for all that happens. I for one cant wait for the day that I may be blessed to say
" Ok I see now what it was all for" it may not be in my lifetime but if it helps the next generation of families so be it. I pray that I can accept my suffering with Grace and Humility butits a constant challenge! Re love ya and pray for you to have peace one day.

Reply
Diane
5/14/2013 05:59:47 am

Your words and feelings are genuine....raw, painful, hopeful. Maybe you don't feel the "hopeful" part yet, but I see it is there deeply buried in the pain I'm sure you are in. You have an awesome support system to lean upon and a Savior who is encouraging you every step....and every time you have to get back up again. You can do this.....take it at your own pace and keep sharing your story. As you impact others and change their own lives and perspectives, yours will be impacted and your own perspective of the here and now, the future, will be blessed as well. I am praying for you.

Reply
edjie
5/14/2013 09:56:33 am

You cant give up on things you love! It takes time, slow and steady, 1 step @ a time and you will get there in time! B strong!

Reply



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