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 Anger and Defeat...and the way forward 

5/7/2013

22 Comments

 
Picture
Sunday was full of anger.. for multiple reasons as I indicated that morning, it got worse from there. The guilt I allow to build in my head due to the misunderstanding of others, I am calling it misunderstanding but the truth is it is much worse than misunderstanding, but I am TRYING to stay positive. Yesterday the only thing I felt was defeat, I have always tried to be a strong person but I don't think I am THIS strong... as a friend put it to me recently "God only gives us what we can handle.. He must think you are made of steel." I am most definitely NOT made of steel and feel so broken inside and out that I am not sure all the kings horses and all the kings men would ever put me back together again.

Yesterday I asked for help, yes I am ashamed of this, but it has gotten to the point that trying to function is near impossible, my mind wanders, it plays tricks on me, it doesn't let me rest. I have an appointment with at 3:15. I am sharing this because I AM ASHAMED... because everyone keeps saying how strong I am. I am not. My point is that even as shameful as it is to me that I can't go on this way, it is OK TO ASK FOR HELP. We all need help sometimes, from family, from friends, from doctors. But most of all we need help from God. If you are reading this finding yourself in a situation that you just think seems impossible, first off, pray, then look around and see if there are living angels that can help you. A friend, a doctor, a stranger that you just haven't reached out to... find the help you need! While God provides us with these avenues in life we do have free will and have to be willing to accept the things we can't change and the courage to change the things we can.

While in Mathews just days after the funeral I went to lunch (at one of my favorite hometown spots Richardson's) with some of my body guards as I jokingly now call them, they were fiercely protective of me through the entire process, and as I sat down James 4:2 (portion) You do not have, because you do not ask... was staring me in the face. I choked up as I read it and said but I DID ASK and I did not get it, I actually had the sign turned around, literally had the back facing the customers, when the waitress went to fix it, there came a very loud NO! from our table, with confusion she walked away.  At the time I was so in shock and disbelief of everything that was going on around me that I just could not stomach staring at those words, thinking that I DID.. I DID .. I DID ASK! I asked that God keep her safe.. I asked that God bring her back.. I did not get a response. It has since that day dawned on me that I was asking the wrong things, I should have asked that he keep her safe WITH him, that he give those that were left behind peace, that he gives me the strength to carry on HIS plan as this was not mine. I feel in some ways I am failing in the strength department and have had to not only ask God but my fellow man for help, but in time I pray to get there.

In the mean time, I have an appointment with the high school news paper this afternoon, and speaking at the school tomorrow. God is answering prayers, he is helping me keep De's spirit alive by sharing her words of life with others far and wide! Her page actually has numerous hits from outside of the country!!

In closing I ask that you all say a little prayer that things go well with the students tomorrow, that the right words come to me. Please remember your Deanna Hug today as you hurry about your day, it could be the hug that saves your life.

Much love to all
De's Mommy

22 Comments
nng
5/6/2013 10:54:49 pm

Peace be with you Re. I love you and so does God.

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Mom
5/6/2013 11:13:07 pm

I love you!

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Re
5/6/2013 11:18:01 pm

Love you too! So proud you! you figured out how to comment!

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Kim
5/6/2013 11:23:03 pm

I LOVE YOU!!! <3

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mary
5/6/2013 11:28:01 pm

it takes GREAT STRENGTH to ask for help... this is not a weakness....
blessings heap up one you on your journey.... prayers for peace and solace for you.....

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Lisa Wiley
5/6/2013 11:30:35 pm

Love you Ann. You are a great mother! I was there when you were struggling to raise your kids and finish school. You have no reason for feeling shame. You are dealing with a terrible loss. Speak from your heart and everything will be fine. I wish I could be there with you but know I am praying and with you in spirit.

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Paula
5/6/2013 11:34:41 pm

I GET MY DEANNA HUG EVERY DAY AND THINK. OF YOU And HER. PRAYING For you And Do Not Be ASHAMED Of GETTING HELP. ONLY WISHING I Had.

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Vonda
5/6/2013 11:39:55 pm

Love you girl. I am so humbled by your honesty! He is your refuge and you strength....a very present help in times of trouble!

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Donna
5/6/2013 11:46:08 pm

God selects us to be parents and our children are lent to us by him. No need to ask why, it is his plan. Anger and weakness are feelings of a human, "lean not on your own understanding", God offers you strength through him and also through the friends and family that he placed you with and with you. Use that strength as you need it!

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Aunt Ann
5/6/2013 11:50:19 pm

Glad you asked for help.Knowing you, that took courage.Majority of our family are so independent[including you] that we always feel I can handle it myself.But there always comes a time in our life's journey that God teaches us the help from Him and others that He has given the wisdom of counseling too is needed.You have put your trust in Him during this difficult time and now you have asked for help from someone who has answered His calling in dealing with the bereavedThankful for you humbling yourself in getting the help you need.Proud of you and .Love you Re., In His love,Aunt Ann

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Laurie LaGrone link
5/6/2013 11:58:10 pm

You are one of the strongest people I have ever met, Re -- not IN SPITE OF your asking for help, but in part BECAUSE OF it. And because you are working through your healing process in a very public way and finding the good there is to find. I am so in awe of you and I know it isn't easy. Hang in there and get help from anyone you need to -- including your Blisters. Much love to you, Re.

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Yaya
5/7/2013 12:05:33 am

You're human and perfect the way God made you. You're supposed to be weak and broken right now and coming to the Lord and living angels during this broken time you allow us to assist in helping to carry you through this nightmare. We love you, the boys, and Deanna. We know you're broken which is why so many want to be your bodyguard and want to show you our love rather than expect you to know. I'm glad you're reaching out but more importantly I'm so happy you have a village full of people to love and support you. Sending you much love my wonderful friend. xoxoxo

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Ruth Marcellus
5/7/2013 12:40:00 am

You never get over it you just learn to go on. I have several friends who have had this happen. I always think of the song The Dance. She would want you to go on. Try to think of the good times. The pain is forever but gets less with time. God Bless You in Christian Love Ruth

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Kati link
5/7/2013 12:45:30 am

XOXOXOXOOOOOOO

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Meg link
5/7/2013 12:55:58 am

I think of Deanna every time I buckle up. I have always been a compulsive buckler - and it's a non-negotiable whenever anyone rides in my car - but now I can think of De and smile.

Hugs to you, Blister. One foot in front of the other.

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Mary Ellen Priddy
5/7/2013 02:25:04 am

My prayers are with you and I will give a hug today in De's name.

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Lisa Wiley
5/7/2013 07:33:14 am

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Christen
5/7/2013 10:11:55 am

Oh my sweet girl. I know what kind of strength it takes to ask for help. Keep asking. I am here for you. Much love, c

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Maria Hudgins Healy
5/7/2013 10:25:42 am

"If" my Mom had been wearing her seatbelt in July of 1984 my life would be very different today. I think of her every time I buckle up. Now my thoughts will be with your beautiful daughter too.

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Michelle
5/7/2013 10:30:11 am

Ann-Marie,
The scripture is very specific with regards to human "weakness". 2 Corinthians 12:9 says: "But he said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power for Christ may rest upon me. Do not be angry with yourself, rest in His peace. Find that quiet place and know that there has never been a trial or a test placed on us that God has not already born!
1 Corinthians 15:43 says "it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness; it is in power." The heart-wrenching pain that you are enduring is going to be more powerful than you can begin to see.
Still praying for you!
Michelle

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Arrow
5/7/2013 02:49:21 pm

I was two grades ahead of Deanna, but as in most small towns, everybody knows everybody a little. From the little I did know her and from what I heard from people around Mathews, she was a beautiful young lady, both physically and spiritually. I don't know what God wants or intends through this tragedy, because I am not God and I don't speak for God. But I know that Deanna is with Him right now and she is happy and at peace.

You are stronger than you think and you can get through this. Asking for help is nothing to be ashamed of and spreading awareness is one of the bravest ways you could ever honor Deanna and cope with your loss.

Keep your head up and remember you are not alone. <3

Reply
Natchez swingers link
10/2/2013 12:41:34 am

Hello mate, great blog.

Reply



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