Sunday was full of anger.. for multiple reasons as I indicated that morning, it got worse from there. The guilt I allow to build in my head due to the misunderstanding of others, I am calling it misunderstanding but the truth is it is much worse than misunderstanding, but I am TRYING to stay positive. Yesterday the only thing I felt was defeat, I have always tried to be a strong person but I don't think I am THIS strong... as a friend put it to me recently "God only gives us what we can handle.. He must think you are made of steel." I am most definitely NOT made of steel and feel so broken inside and out that I am not sure all the kings horses and all the kings men would ever put me back together again.
Yesterday I asked for help, yes I am ashamed of this, but it has gotten to the point that trying to function is near impossible, my mind wanders, it plays tricks on me, it doesn't let me rest. I have an appointment with at 3:15. I am sharing this because I AM ASHAMED... because everyone keeps saying how strong I am. I am not. My point is that even as shameful as it is to me that I can't go on this way, it is OK TO ASK FOR HELP. We all need help sometimes, from family, from friends, from doctors. But most of all we need help from God. If you are reading this finding yourself in a situation that you just think seems impossible, first off, pray, then look around and see if there are living angels that can help you. A friend, a doctor, a stranger that you just haven't reached out to... find the help you need! While God provides us with these avenues in life we do have free will and have to be willing to accept the things we can't change and the courage to change the things we can.
While in Mathews just days after the funeral I went to lunch (at one of my favorite hometown spots Richardson's) with some of my body guards as I jokingly now call them, they were fiercely protective of me through the entire process, and as I sat down James 4:2 (portion) You do not have, because you do not ask... was staring me in the face. I choked up as I read it and said but I DID ASK and I did not get it, I actually had the sign turned around, literally had the back facing the customers, when the waitress went to fix it, there came a very loud NO! from our table, with confusion she walked away. At the time I was so in shock and disbelief of everything that was going on around me that I just could not stomach staring at those words, thinking that I DID.. I DID .. I DID ASK! I asked that God keep her safe.. I asked that God bring her back.. I did not get a response. It has since that day dawned on me that I was asking the wrong things, I should have asked that he keep her safe WITH him, that he give those that were left behind peace, that he gives me the strength to carry on HIS plan as this was not mine. I feel in some ways I am failing in the strength department and have had to not only ask God but my fellow man for help, but in time I pray to get there.
In the mean time, I have an appointment with the high school news paper this afternoon, and speaking at the school tomorrow. God is answering prayers, he is helping me keep De's spirit alive by sharing her words of life with others far and wide! Her page actually has numerous hits from outside of the country!!
In closing I ask that you all say a little prayer that things go well with the students tomorrow, that the right words come to me. Please remember your Deanna Hug today as you hurry about your day, it could be the hug that saves your life.
Much love to all
De's Mommy
Yesterday I asked for help, yes I am ashamed of this, but it has gotten to the point that trying to function is near impossible, my mind wanders, it plays tricks on me, it doesn't let me rest. I have an appointment with at 3:15. I am sharing this because I AM ASHAMED... because everyone keeps saying how strong I am. I am not. My point is that even as shameful as it is to me that I can't go on this way, it is OK TO ASK FOR HELP. We all need help sometimes, from family, from friends, from doctors. But most of all we need help from God. If you are reading this finding yourself in a situation that you just think seems impossible, first off, pray, then look around and see if there are living angels that can help you. A friend, a doctor, a stranger that you just haven't reached out to... find the help you need! While God provides us with these avenues in life we do have free will and have to be willing to accept the things we can't change and the courage to change the things we can.
While in Mathews just days after the funeral I went to lunch (at one of my favorite hometown spots Richardson's) with some of my body guards as I jokingly now call them, they were fiercely protective of me through the entire process, and as I sat down James 4:2 (portion) You do not have, because you do not ask... was staring me in the face. I choked up as I read it and said but I DID ASK and I did not get it, I actually had the sign turned around, literally had the back facing the customers, when the waitress went to fix it, there came a very loud NO! from our table, with confusion she walked away. At the time I was so in shock and disbelief of everything that was going on around me that I just could not stomach staring at those words, thinking that I DID.. I DID .. I DID ASK! I asked that God keep her safe.. I asked that God bring her back.. I did not get a response. It has since that day dawned on me that I was asking the wrong things, I should have asked that he keep her safe WITH him, that he give those that were left behind peace, that he gives me the strength to carry on HIS plan as this was not mine. I feel in some ways I am failing in the strength department and have had to not only ask God but my fellow man for help, but in time I pray to get there.
In the mean time, I have an appointment with the high school news paper this afternoon, and speaking at the school tomorrow. God is answering prayers, he is helping me keep De's spirit alive by sharing her words of life with others far and wide! Her page actually has numerous hits from outside of the country!!
In closing I ask that you all say a little prayer that things go well with the students tomorrow, that the right words come to me. Please remember your Deanna Hug today as you hurry about your day, it could be the hug that saves your life.
Much love to all
De's Mommy
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