While most of the words don't fit correctly the main point fits well. I would do anything to turn back time. Even have some weird dream where I am going to California and realize that when we land we are hours ahead of when we left and if I just keep flying that way it will go backwards. Ok so my brain is weird even when I am sleeping but it sounded logical when I woke up.
This weekend I sorted through some of De's belongs, well all of them I suppose, I don't really remember much of what happened at my mothers. I know I was looking for certain things, some things I found, others I didn't and the things in between I am not sure what happened to. I realize I get obsessed over little things, now it is two sweat shirts and and her bootcamp shirt. Sunday after looking everywhere I could think of to find them, it dawned on me, I don't know what she was wearing. How could I not know what she was wearing. In my head all this time she had on what I last saw her in, but I knew that couldn't be right I folded those. My brain does not process simple things correctly. Like I still think that she should at any minute walk through the door.
I know that De guided some of the process over the weekend, it was all done unexpectedly, and without fore thought. Had it been a planned task I am not sure that I would have made it through the door. However, I still felt like an intruder, that I was going through De's things like some kind of snoop. I can't even tell you the number of notes I found between her and her friends, I did not read any of them.. just quickly placed them in a box. They are her personal feelings and thoughts, they are not for me to know, even now. Decisions were made about some of her favorite items and who would get the most comfort from them, but it is the missing puzzle pieces that haunt me. Class rings, t shirts, sweat shirts...all material things all replaceable but THOSE were hers! Her things... they shouldn't be lost, she shouldn't be gone. How did I not know what she had on, why hadn't I asked? I just saw her in what I wanted her in I think.
By the time I got home yesterday, I was completely and totally and utterly exhausted. Forgetting it was Monday and not Sunday really threw another curve ball at me. I didn't want to be alone, when I am in Mathews I am never really alone, I am either with my Daddy or Ed 99% of the time. (before anyone says well Drake was here, yes he was, he was asleep and not feeling well himself, and lets face it he is 15, how many 15 year olds do you know really want to sit there and watch their mom). I don't particularly like going anywhere because my sadness just starts to mirror on the people I am around and that is not fair to anyone. It dawned on me again last night that my life as I knew it stopped that morning, that I am stuck there, that time hasn't moved, when other people are living life and being happy, I am just here. I am afraid I have pulled Amanda into that stillness with me as most nights she is right here with me flipping through the channels, just sitting. That isn't fair to her, but I remembered what day it was before asking her to come over thankfully, I know the one night that she gets to be her is Monday.
Having said that, to the many of you that have said, when you want to go out let me know, or come over to dinner, or XYZ is Thursday night we should go, I do not decline because I don't love you. I decline because I just physically do not have the energy to move. My energy is spent just doing the things I HAVE to do. Work, laundry, house cleaning, driving, even breathing takes everything I have got in me. I don't have the energy to put on a mask to be around people, to pretend like dinner is good, or to act like that I can even follow the conversation that is being had. So I guess what I am saying is I am sorry please don't take my declines personally, it is just not something I can do. At least not yet. I can't even tell you if that will ever change or not, but this is who I am right now.
I realize I am yet again going around in circles because my mind is in 100 places at once, thinking of meetings and appointments and unloading the box of De's things from my car that I just couldn't manage to get out last night. My wish to you all this week is to have a happy one, live every second of it, as De doodled on many papers "Smile, life is too short"