I won't lie, I am having a really hard time with reality. I keep wishing, hoping and praying this is just a horrible horrible nightmare and that I will just wake up. Life is marching by, and some moments I feel as if I am going to grab it by it's ass and show it who is boss, but more moments I feel that it defeated me. That life has left me here with half of me gone.
In 2010 when Little Dustin had his car accident, I felt a life altering blow that I still haven't gotten by. Birthdays, anniversaries, and sometimes just plain old days would live me crippled with guilt of not doing enough, that some how I could have changed the outcome, that this sweet little child I vowed to love and protect 14 years earlier was gone and I didn't stand up to what was expected of me. While some people don't understand the connection or the feeling that it left me with, to me it doesn't matter what you do or don't think I should or shouldn't feel about his death. I knew how horrible I felt in my heart, I could not imagine how his biological mother felt. She and I are still to this day close and I only use the term "biological" for understanding to others. Neither she or I raised our babies to be half, step, or any other term other than brothers and sisters, even her oldest daughter who had no tie to myself at all attending family vacations with me and my children who had no ties to her were welcomed in her home for events, birthday parties and just because. It was who we were as moms. As we spoke last week we realized that we had some horrible dual membership into the worst club on earth. She knows how I feel about her son, I know how she feels about my daughter and we both know how the other feels about our children.
On April 20th, life as I knew it was just plain over. I know I have to go on living and being, but the life I had before 8:59 am on this day, part of it is missing. A true physical part of me is gone forever. I thought there was no greater feeling of loss when Dustin died, but the moment I heard the words that my beautiful, strong willed, full of life and as she put it on facebook just days before this "only daugther" was gone, I died too. The Re that you all knew and thought was just a bit crazy just plain died. Some how I have to become the new Re, I am not sure how or when that will happen but it will. Right now I am struggling with just being, so there is no real focus on who I am.
Images and snap shots. While I know that was not my daughters spirit laying in the road and that her spirit was already in heaven rejoicing with Jesus and my grandparents and her brother. The image will not leave my head. I don't recall much about the scene, random snaps of this or that, I don't recall any sound at all, pure silence. I don't remember people talking to me, I don't remember phone calls I made, I don't recall talking or saying anything, I remember my daughters still silence.
Maybe, in time it will become real, but for me right now, it's me that doesn't exist, in this world or that paradise.
I ask you this weekend to live, live your life, be you, dance in the rain and sing off key, simply live. Live for the babies that left too soon, live for the mommies who are lost in a world that doesn't quite seem to be real.