I think that is one thing that is holding me back from accepting reality, she was so animated and full of life. How does it just stop? It seems it should linger slowly fading but it has been more like a switch was flipped from your life, to your hell with no transition time. Many people have said that I am being too hard on myself, and that I need to take it easy, that life was just the way it was and I did the best I could. Yes while that is true, I already had hidden guilt and regret over myself as a mother, so losing Lil Dustin and Deanna have really made me question how a Mommy could screw up so badly that two are now angels. So it will and is going to take me some time to get through and work through my own feelings of worthlessness, helplessness and uselessness. I pray that in the mean time of working through that my true friends can stand beside me and my boys don't get angry at me.
I posted on facebook that I had $63 dollars stolen from me over night, it was my fault I left my wallet in the car, I know better this time of year. The thief had to literally MOVE my bible to get to my wallet as it was in the bottom of my bible bag. My HOPE is that it was some homeless person that really needed it, my dread is that it was a couple of rich brats that were just out to take from people. I am thankful my credit cards and drivers license were not taken, just the cash. This is the main reason I thought kids, I think a trained thief would grab the bag and run. But a precious Bible from my Aunt Ann presented to me for Christmas the year Deanna was born was left unharmed, that is just something that could not be replaced.
Amanda and I were sitting here last night discussing the book that WE will be using in the bible study group. Yes I said we... I have asked her to join me and I think she is going to be coming too. I was going over with her the first part of the book and what we had discussed I underlined a few things three to be exact. One our homework lesson that I completed yesterday, and the other two are as follows:
Psalms 25:14 which is the scripture the book is based on
John 10:10 The Thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
Interesting I would say since I feel like I have had a thief hot on my heels for weeks now. One thing right after the other, the biggest being the accident of course but other things that have impacted the situation, organ donation was unsuccessful, I have to work to rerent my house in VA, finding out the driver side of the car was relatively undamaged, someone physically going and snooping around my home and stealing from me, over hearing and rehearing that woman's voice in my head saying I was basically nothing, all the way down to small like things like my favorite coffee pot dying. There is a thief in my life and I am thankful that I am surrounded by dozens and dozens of strong people that help keep the devil at bay and say the right words when I am hovering on the edge of the end. Like I said rambling because I have no idea where I am headed with this. I suppose I am just saying that it seems the stronger I attempt to become the more is thrown at me, and I don't know or understand why.
I have contemplating confronting the woman, who spoke so badly about me, about printing off yesterday's blog and having it delivered to her. Part of me knows that it is out of revenge, part of me knows it is so that she knows how badly she hurt not only me because it was obvious that she didn't care about that, but De's family, someone she supposedly loved so much, and part of me knows it is so maybe the next time she has something so dreadful to say about someone, instead of opening her mouth to let of spew of venom come out she pray for them instead. I have never really been in this situation before were I so calmly want to let someone know what they did. Usually it is RETREAT if I think there is some salvage at a later time to a friendship or it is CHARGE, no one wants to meet me on charge. I might not be the best Kickboxer on the OBX but I participated in my fair share of scraps growing up, pretty sure I can still land a punch or two when needed. Sorry Mama and Aunt Ann but you both knew I wasn't exactly a girly girl. Either way I don't want to resort to either of those two, I just simply want the words I have written delivered to her. I don't know why... I am just overwhelmed and obsessed with those words and I feel like until I confront them head on I will never get by them.
And a quick goggle search provides me with answers.. google such a powerful tool to those that don't know the Bible well.
Matthew 18:15 ESV / 90 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. "
While you all know WHAT was done, you don't know the who, and I would never tell the who that isn't my place. So maybe a simple copy of the hurt they caused by the words they said is in order. Maybe it will save one more person from the wrath of her tongue. I don't know.. we will see... but it has weighed HEAVY on me.
Ok enough of that. Like I said today's post is purely a ramble. So on to another subject.
My friend Amanda. There is so much I can say about this wonderful soul who is a constant in my life. When she heard of Deanna's accident she wanted to get there THEN not two minutes later THEN. And she did get there shortly there after and truly has not left me since. Many nights she sits with me watching TV, sounds odd I suppose that we just sit and watch TV but we do, the cool thing about my TV is it has a pause button and when I feel a few words or memories coming or things I need to just talk out we pause and talk awhile. Last night I realized that at times when I am with her my brain opens up and memories come back to me. Memories of the scene, memories of the past and things about Deanna, things that just sitting here today I don't really remember. Our brains work in mysterious ways giving us only the snips and snaps we can handle at a time and then when alone shut them back off. Last night we had a lengthy conversation about my feelings as I was coming upon the accident and it was helpful to get it out and realizing that my brain was trying to process what I was about to witness. I remembered after hearing the words from my mother that Deanna was gone, that the thought went through my head, How are you going to react to this? What are you going to do when you get there? Like another person was talking to me trying to evaluate what was to come. I remember thinking JUST GET TO DEANNA! Don't let anything stop you GET TO DEANNA. and that is exactly what I tried to do. I don't know what, who, or how I was stopped I just remember I was and I think it was at that moment my brain started screaming ABORT PLAN ABORT PLAN RETREAT RETREAT that is how far I have gotten in my memories of what happened. After that, nothingness.
It is the times I spend with her just quietly sitting doing nothing other than NOT thinking that these thoughts come back to me. What I am saying is her presence just sitting quietly with my does my brain and heart good and in time I believe that the memories will come back, the good and the dreadful but I believe that both are needed to even begin healing from a place of such a dreadful hurt.
Remember your Deanna Hug this weekend, let a special angel hug you tight while you are out and about this holiday weekend. Give someone that needs it a dollar if you have it, Live just a little bit lighter, sing even it if off key, and as always just Hug someone!