I have this sneaky suspicion that some little mischievous angel thought to herself this morning.. that Mommy of mine NEEDS to laugh, and tripped me. Heck she would have done it if she was running beside me.. or shoved me.. or hip bumped me.. so why not now. I am also equally sure that Pop said... "that girl ain't fell off any" Memo came out with "Oh you all you tripped your Mama!" Bygar probably told De that I would get her back for that, Grandaddy that is an easy one he said "Umpph" and Mel and Dustin .. they laughed just as hard with De. I may be totally wrong about heaven, because seriously we just don't know. Everyone can say that it is a better place, and it is beautiful and a paradise, but do we know? How do we know? That is where my faith resides, I have to have faith that where she is, is better than there. Better than this. My heaven, we know each other, we are with each other, we can say the things that we didn't get to, or apologize for the things we did. That is what my heaven is like. I think we can all safely agree that we may have different images of heaven and that is ok. I am sure we all have different version of hell as well, personally I feel like THIS is hell.
My point of today's post was that even though the sound was so foreign to me, I did laugh, I felt comfortable enough out there face planted in the sand, to truly allow myself to just be, even for just a second (we won't discuss the fact that I cried after I dropped Drake off for school, but it is about baby steps right??) Thankfully I had some really cool people around me that did the whole.. OH MY Gosh are you alright? And all I could do was just laugh and managed to get up, didn't bother to dust off because by that point there was no point, and made my way back to where I had the rope.
Part of Bootcamp is that we come up with a Give, something we give up for 6 weeks to better ourselves, typically it is fried foods, soft drinks, sugar, or hmm.. well wine (yikes) but this 6 weeks my give was shown to me today. I give myself the right to LAUGH at the silly stuff when out there with my team and not feel badly about it! Unusual yes.. but much needed. It is hard not to feel guilty, when life is moving on and hers was cut so suddenly and tragically short. It is hard for me to enjoy anything as I feel like my baby is not why should I? This isn't fair, I have done this stuff before, she should have the chance. Unfortunately life doesn't work that way and we can't pick and chose who stays and who goes, because believe me I would trade my life for hers in a heart beat.
Something has come to light in the last day or so, I have pretty much figured out what she was wearing that day. Her Bootcamp red. It has been hard enough on me not to associate Bootcamp with her time here with me on the beach, and the fact that this up coming summer that she was so looking forward to it again. Now it will forever be ingrained in me that she went to heaven wearing the insignia of a group that she respected, loved and admired. As I was cleaning her room the other day I found her original Bootcamp band and I wear it on my left wrist closer to my heart. All I can say is:
"Sis I will do the best I can, it may not be great, it will be really hard knowing how much it meant to you, it may not be pretty but I will go, and please stop tripping me, that was embarrassing! I know you sent the message to not quit, I don't know yet what it is that I am not supposed to quit exactly but I will start with this and the Give. Live. Hug. The Deanna Project and hope that is what you mean Sis. I love you!"
To you all in the words of Rev Jay Bowman... Do something for someone today, I said do it even if it is for yourself by remembering your Deanna Hug!
Much love to you all