Had a really rough evening emotionally, through no ones fault but my own. Have you ever loved the idea of something? Like for instance when you were a kid did you ever just love the idea of when you were a grown up you would have cake and ice cream every day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Then when you over ate cake and ice cream that one time you threw up and you knew it was bad for you and you learned your lesson that as an adult you couldn't eat cake and ice cream all the time?
Yea, I fail at learning the lessons. I was so in love with the idea of being accepted, loved, and liked that even time after time after time of getting sick, burned, or hurt I never learned the lesson and kept going right back in for more. Each and every time walking away with the feelings of what is wrong me? What did I do? Is this my fate because I was a crap mom? Bad friend? Horrible daughter? Is this the Karma? Each time, I dug that hole a little deeper, hating myself a little more, because certainly if the preverbial "they" can't love me no one ever will, never mind that there are countless yous out there screaming "I love you Re!". All it takes .. scratch that... TOOK was one person to deafen all of the others, because I allowed the actions of others to dominate my emotions and my own self worth, because I wanted to be included so badly.
I think it is time for another letter to my friend.
I am coming at you with all the love in the world and I am going to be brutal and honest and this is going to sting. You can not fit a square peg in a round hole Re, why do you insist on forcing it? Have you not learned that the Universe, God, Jesus, the Jedis, the Angels, the Witches of the past, will all slam the doors in your face of places you do not belong? It does not matter that you continue to knock on those doors with love and kindness, or even if you scream and cry and beg, they bought at the office, what you have to offer, is not for them. What they have to give, is not for you. You are not one size fits all, and neither are they, it is OK to return something you thought fit when you realize that it doesn't. It is ok, to walk away from it, even if on the website of your mind it looked beautiful, if it doesn't fit.. it doesn't fit.
Be honest with yourself Re.. are you even yourself when they do crack the door and let you in (or for that matter when you have kicked the door in and just barged in) for a moment or two, or are you that scared little girl that feels like you are going to do something wrong so the whole time you are anxious and afraid and you just can't be you. I know you fell in love with an image, but Re... look through your phone. You have that image, you have a family. A family who loves, supports, who you are not continuously afraid of, who you can be only you around because they know and love you enough to KNOW if you are not being your crazy silly self. You are missing the beauty of the forest Re, because you are so worried about a few dead trees. You have even distanced yourself from a few very special little plants because of those trees haven't you? Don't do that. They need your love as much as you need theirs, I promise.
I know you are crying right now Re, I am not going to tell you to stop, because I know, this is so hard for you to swallow. I know how close the 20th is, so I know that every little thing is pouring salt into open wounds. I know you are going to have to grieve this a bit, but I also know you are strong enough to face this. Let this be another stone to shore up your foundation. Last night, you allowed this thing to kick at your shaky little rocks, but look at you. Yes you shook a little, yes you cried, yes you got mad, hurt and angry. Yes you felt unappreciated, but will you please look down? Did you fall? You didn't. Even in all those shaky angry moments, when you could not make sense of why they can't love you.. you did not fall. Wanna know why? Because one of those little rocks you were standing on already knew the truth. It was ready and able to split itself to steady up those shakes. It knew it was time for you to face that the only way to make this better, is to walk away and I promise you, it is absolutely ok to do so.
Another thing you should know, you can continue to love them, you know that right? I think that is where you kept tripping before, you thought that walking away meant that you would no longer be able to love or care and because you still did you didn't think you should. That simply is not the truth. We don't stop loving because someone is on the other side of a wall, we just love in the sunshine. You keep your love in a place of safety, there is no need in beating on the wall until it is running out of your bloody hands, hold it in your heart, and I think you will find that you have a much easier time taking the steps away that you need. I also truly believe that when you stop beating and turn around, you are going to find so many open doors ready for your big heart to walk through, so many in fact that the one you left alone will become, very very small.
You realize this is not the only time you have faced this lesson right? It wasn't even at the same door, but you have refused to learn. Re.. you need to do the work now. You need to face this. You need to understand this. You absolutely need to learn this lesson, because coming back here time after time is doing nothing but harm to you. You are not hurting them when you get angry or sad, they don't even know and frankly if they do know, do you really need that in your life right now? Let your heart feel what it must this morning, but by noon lace up those shoes and when you go for your run today, put that distance between you and that damn door, and while you are at it, leave all of these emotions you are feeling about this right there on the steps to that door like a flame bag of doggie poo!
You have absolutely GOT THIS KID!
Sending you so much strength and love this morning,
I am going to sign off this morning with this, have there ever been situations that you just had to walk away from, no matter how you felt about it? What helped you make those first steps?
Peace, Love and Light,