Can I just say one more time that I really enjoy spending my morning with you? Those emails that came flooding in over night can wait, you are more important. You help my soul, you bless my life and you set me free.
It is the getting these thoughts out of my head. Most days it helps, others it lingers awhile but eventually subsides, I don't feel caged, trapped, and alone with the monster that lives in my head. I feel like every time we get together in the morning, we kick that monster in the ovaries and knock it back a bit. We are one heck of a powerful force. I thank you. I have often said to my mom that I had wished my Aunt Reedie had kept a journal through her journey of weight loss. My aunt actually liked to write, I don't know that many people knew that, she would have kept a lovely journal. So here I am doing what I wished she had done, so some day, no one has to say I wish she had... because I did. :)
I also want all of you to know that I read each and every comment! All of them! I may not reply to each one but I promise you it is read. It isn't because I don't want to comment, I would LOVE to, but my day is so full. I still have little "down time" but that is ok, because there is PLENTY OF ME time. I spend my early hours here with you, just exploring all the little corners of my mind, then off to work for 8 hours.. I have done very good with this lately, I clock in at 7:30 and almost always up and out the door at 3:30. One would think leaving at 330 would give me plenty of down time yes? No. I use that time to go for a walk, go to the gym, go run errands that need running, then I am right back here fixing dinner at 6. Dad's here until 8. Rinse Repeat. It's not a bad schedule at all, I feel like having those loosely planned hours before and after work have helped so much. The stress is not what it was.
Maybe it is spring, maybe it is just a forced habit, maybe it is a lot of things, whatever it is, it is fitting. My goal right this moment as I sit here (in other words that could flip instantly lol), isn't losing the weight, (sounds weird but hang tight) it isn't getting "skinny", it is to continue to show up for myself mentally and physically every day. I think that it is possible for all to happen if the focus is just on showing up for myself. Just to be clear I use the word "skinny" so loosely, Dad always asks me if I am ever going to be that skinny girl in the pictures again. *insert eyeroll* for one, I didn't KNOW I was skinny then I thought I was fat, for two with this falak I would likely need to be dead to get there, for three I had absolutely no ass, I am talking plywood board ass. (some one once told me that so I know), so no I don't want to be what others call skinny I just want to be in shape both in body and spirit. I have this little angel on earth flittering all around me these days, dropping little bits of knowledge to nibble on, this was one of her seeds, it grew. :)
I had this realization yesterday and I hit on it in the spindle but really want to look back at something I wrote about a few weeks ago. Remember when I said that the reason I wanted to run again was for redemption and to do it for myself. That every run I had done in the past was for someone else? And then I have talked about how half hearted I worked out when I did show up over the last 8 years. I was not doing those work outs for me either! Do not get me wrong, working out with a group of friends is powerful, working out with a trainer is incredible, I can't wait to get back to working out with my friends, but, right now what is happening is exactly what I need. The only person I am accountable to is myself. Yes I am getting help left and right on what workouts to do and major support from friends all over, but it is me that is putting on my shoes, it is me that is going out the door, it is me that is screaming in my head YOU GOT THIS RE JUST ONE MORE! I don't feel obligated to get up at 5 am because if I don't I am letting my team down, or I don't feel obligated to show up to the gym because I have an appointment with a trainer. I feel obligated to MYSELF! All of these years, I thought the power was in the others, that they pushed me to be better, when in just a few short weeks I am starting to realize that the power had to come from me. I have to show up for myself, not you, not a trainer, not even my bestie, I HAVE to do it for me, or it just does not fit.
So as badly as I have wanted to get home, and back to my family there on the OBX, right this minute, in this journey I am exactly where I need to be! I need this strong foundation of obligation to myself that I feel like is only going to be built brick by brick of doing this on my own and for me. I have to learn that the journey is about repairing me, not showing up due to an obligation to others. I have to learn that I have the strength and determination in me to get me through this. I have to learn that it is absolutely OK to stumble but quickly dust off and get back to it and not wish for someone to come save me. I have to learn this journey all over again, because being in that deep hole of darkness for so long has stripped away all of the things that made me, me.
I have spent a year, taking care of someone else, out of love and dedication, and I would spend another 10 doing the same, I am so incredibly grateful that we are at a place that he is so much better. But... you know there was but right? That year was the straw that broke the camel's back. It left me a skeleton, I didn't have the tools in me to deal with what was in front of me and my own issues at the same time. I allowed the situation to dominate and destroy the last parts of me that were holding on. In the end, it nearly killed me. But.. there is another one.. I am grateful. For so long I have been desperately grasping and clawing my hold on this life, just trying to stay alive, that I didn't realize that if I just let go, the only other place to go, was up.
I have said it before and I will say it again, this.. THIS RIGHT HERE.. feels different. This feels like... like... rehab. Like I am learning all of these new and wonderful ways of dealing with myself. Like I am filling my tool box with all of the right equipment to get me to the place I need to be, so that when the time comes I am needed for another, I don't lose myself.
It feels so incredibly powerful it is almost scary.
So here's to another day of the journey, may yours be super special and I again thank you .. for just being you!
Signing off today with this, do you journal? If not do you have something you think you could get off your chest to ease the burden on yourself? Try writing it out, or typing if your fingers hurt and your spelling stinks.
Peace, Love and Light,