No, you idiot.. that is the wrong kind of dragon.. it is DRAGGIN.. not dragon.

Oh my dear heavens ya'll... I have been laying in the bed for a solid hour trying to get the energy to get up. This time change is still kicking my rear end. Yesterday I did so well, was up in time and did my thing today.. not so much! I just did a quick google search, it can take a week or more to adjust!!! Why do we do this to ourselves again?  I feel so rotten right now I am totally ready to protest! From my house.. behind my keyboard.. in my pajamas.

I am bouncing my week around a tiny bit, I was taking off tomorrow because I was going to be on the road roughly 6 hours but plans changed up and I should be free tomorrow afternoon so I am going to my Y to do my work out. The way I feel right now it is a good thing because I doubt seriously I could hold a weight at the moment!  Then Friday Saturday are Zumba classes. Ohhhh I see there is a Zumba on Thursday too... Maybe the boys can go get dinner and I can go work out!  I don't know that may be too much hip shaking. Will see how it all pans out.

Some things I need to work on this weekend are .. what do I need to bring to VA to keep me motivated. I do this every trip I am home, I walk around the house and literally touch things to see if they need to be with me. It is the weirdest activity but it is one I do, sometimes it is really random objects, or it could be a book, or if could be a ball of yarn that just looks pretty. This trip, I need to grab an extra pair of running shoes, even if I do HATE them, they are practically new and I need a swap out pair, I need to find my other running pants, an extra fish tank for the Dragon.. he doesn't seem to be adapting well to roommates, the rest will be whatever randomness falls in my hands. OH THAT BOOK.. I NEED THAT ONE BOOK!

Don't you guys just love these conversations we have? It does me so much good to "talk" it out with you all, instead of those bitches who live in my head. They would have been all.. "Why you bothering fat ass... " And you guys are so so supportive and loving and even try to understand my madness, its so much nicer with ya'll. 

I have been thinking of something, I have been writing this way for so many years, on blogs, on facebook.. but they are all sooooo scattered. I really want to take the time to put them all together. The good the bad the ugly.. all of it. I may not have some beautiful leather bound journals that are mysteriously found upon my death.. but I do have this, all of these words, all of these struggles and triumphs that is so littered with bits and pieces of my childhood, that I think it is worth doing. It would like take weeks but it would be nearly 15 years worth of journals! Maybe one day someone will take the madness and say "Hey.. this chick was NUTS.. let's publish this... " I could be the next Virginia Woolfe!  Although at this moment i am really hoping my ending is not by drowning myself. I also hope right this minute when I do go out I have on those purple rhinestone boots.

Good lord I am sleepy.... I don't even really know what this post is about at the moment.. some how we have gone from daylight savings time sucking.. to zumba.. to fish tanks.. to checking out of the journey early.. jeeze I need coffee!  Well more coffee.

I know you are all thinking right now.. what the actual hell is she doing?? I am showing you.. This is what it is like. Every day.. all day.. my brain bounces around like a very intense game of racket ball, and while you are thinking about that, don't forget I have been hearing songs the whole time... Want to know why I am so sleepy this morning, because randomly like last night.. my brain did this all night in my dreams, except it is even weirder, and the days after a weird night are extra super duper hard to reel back in.  I end up frustrated and mad and sad, and 9 times out of 10 I take it out on someone else before the day is over.  I am sitting here trying to think of ways of quieting the storm.. I am not succeeding because of the rapid bounce, of all the things that have to be done, of all the things that have to come together, because of all of the stress of leaving dad for 3 days...

I may ask Ed to pick up dinner... because at the moment... just the added pressure of that on top of packing, on top of not forgetting anything... is just too much today. But even asking for something so simple seems... insanely complicated. What if dad doesn't want that, we are already eating out a lot in the next few days.

GET IT TOGETHER!!!
Does anyone know how to get off of this stupid ride.. I think I may puke!

Going to sign off today with.. I really hope that I am the only one, I know I can't be, but I wish I were, and if any of you out there bounce, please tell me how do you quiet it?? Because my go to's are gone from at the moment.

Peace, Love, and Light,
Re

Seriously... I want to hear from you! I need to know that this isn't just me. In the last 25 days some massive changes have happened. Most of my peoples know what they are so I will go right ahead and spill a little more of that T on here. I have not had a cigarette in 25 days. I have not had a glass of wine or any other alcohol related drink in 25 days. I have not contemplated, attempted or wished for life to be over in 25 days. I have alluded to all of those things, but I just have not said them out loud. Well you know what I mean.. If it was YOU telling ME that.. I would be so completely filled with happiness and proud of you! Me telling me that, my first thought is.. well you shouldn't have been there to begin with. In my head it sounds like a parent scolding their child for being somewhere they were not supposed to be but the kid was in the middle of relaying to their parent how they saved another kid from drowning.

Like there is this huge thing, and really it is a huge thing, and I can't see past the place I was to see that I saved the kid drowning. I want so badly, to be proud, just like that little kid, but it just won't make it's way to the surface.

Yesterday, was day 8 on Keto, no cheats, no stumbles, no trip ups into a bag of chips. Ed thought he caught me "cheating" once because I had ice cream in my hand but it was Keto friendly. I have measured my macros out every morning for what the day's meals will be and if I need a little snack in the afternoon I just shift something around to make it happen. I have done REALLY well. Again, I think back to last year when I said I wanted to try, and didn't. Instead of being proud of how easy the transition has been to Keto for me, it comes out as, "Yea well you could have had 8 months in instead of 8 days if you hadn't given up on yourself."  What the hell is that??? If you came to me and said.. "Hey Re! I have been on Keto for 8 days and feel really great! I am doing this thing!" and I knew you had struggled and struggled and struggled to find your Cinderella shoe for your diet I would be overwhelmingly happy for you! I would be so proud that you kept trying, even when everything else you ever did just didn't work for you.

I go to the Y on Mondays. I want to start the week out with a pretty intense workout. It lays out the plan for the rest of the week it feels like. The other days I have been completely enjoying walks with my "friend" aka Mom. I weigh at the Y on Mondays, they have a good scale and they have a full length mirror for me to take a pic. Monday's just became the day to take stock. The scale was down 6 pounds since Keto walked into my life, instead of being over the moon excited that the second number changed on the scale I was all.. Meh. I sent a message to my extraordinary friend who is helping me navigate all of this Keto business, (I am so lucky to have her in my life.. I hope she knows how much I really adore her.. and not just for Keto help.. her heart is genuinely pure and caring and we would all be better people just to know her, now back to the message..) "6 pounds down" was all that as written. There was no woohoo, no yay, no check this out... just "6 pounds down". It came out with as much enthusiasm as "the tomatoes are rotten". Lucky for me... I think she knows me better than I know me at times because her woohooo yay filled message back ended with "I hope you are proud of yourself"  I didn't lie I told her flat out I wasn't, that I wanted to be, but I just wasn't. I also told her I would work through it by this morning but here I am still trying to figure out why I can't be proud of that.

In our few minute conversation yesterday I likened the 6 lbs scale drop to this:

It FEELS like that load of laundry you are having to redo because you forgot it in the washer for 2 days. It stinks. It may be a bit cold and slimy. It isn't fun. You wasted time. In order to get your clothes smelling so fresh and so clean clean you have to redo it again, maybe twice. It feels like that. Like if I had just not forgotten, I would not be where I am and the clothes would be clean, folded and put away by now. I want my brain to say, "Ok.. here we are.. we are doing this! We are not forgetting this time, we have a new plan and look what you did in just 8 days! You remembered that load and you restarted it with just the right amount of detergent and they are washing all that stink away!" but that damn voice... "You know .. if you hadn't quit you would be so much farther.... "

Going to try something new here, I am going to write my friend a letter and see what I would be saying to someone other than.. well.. me.

Dear Re,

"If you hadn't quit you would be so much farther..." Oh but would you now? Seriously me.. get it together. Yes you stumbled and you put on 45 freaking pounds in a year, guess what you aren't alone. So many people struggled with 2020, you are just no exception and you bozo, look at all you had on your plate, you were juggling so many balls that a couple dropped along the way, it's ok.. they are rubber they bounce back!

But while we are at it.. lets look at the last 10 years why don't we. when was the last time you saw a one on the scale again? Oh... you don't remember? Its ok.. I can tell you. Tuesday September 11, 2012 you were 190.4 pounds, and it took you 9 months to lose 24 pounds to get to that. Want to know what happened shortly after.. oh I think you know. I don't think you need the reminder. Since then you have lived your life hovering between 205 and 235.. Yea you may have been down to 205 in October 2019 but honey, how you got there, just wasn't your Cinderella shoe. So when the whole world came crashing down, you didn't have a sustainable tool in your belt and frankly last year when the shoe was presented to you again, it didn't fit. It pinched, it caused blisters, and you didn't have the time or energy to break in that new shoe. Your head and heart were not in the game... just like the last 8 years.

Sure ... you have done so many freaking races, you have lifted so many weights, but was your heart in any of them? No.. really.. was it? Is there any other time with the exception of that one hug at the end of your marathon that time that you felt your race? No I don't mean in your feet I mean in your heart. Be honest with yourself. Right now... be honest. That's right.. you didn't. Nothing you did to "better yourself" came from  your heart and when it doesn't come from the heart, the pieces don't fit and you find yourself just continuously moving them around to make a picture, without even realizing you were working with 3 different puzzles.

In the last 9 years, did you allow yourself to see what you could accomplish? What you want the outcome of your hard work to look like? Or was the future just a haze because you had no plans on being here? It was a haze... you don't have to tell me, I already know. Think back to all of those times you had to write on a little piece of paper what your goal was for that session of bootcamp, did any of those goals have an image attached, a feeling attached? Or was it just a task that had to be completed.

The last time you "quit drinking" ( I use quotes because I have not committed to a life of no vodka, I have committed to some time with no vodka) what did it look like? Do you remember? I do. Let me refresh your memory. The first time it was.. "Let me see if I can make it 30 days".. you know just so you could see if you had a problem or not. You flew through that with flying colors (PS grab that book from home this weekend) Ok check.. no problem. Wait another year and get told you have to quit drinking for your diet. Do you remember exactly what looked like, do you remember what it felt like? Again.. let me tell you. It felt like 90 days of torture counting down to the day that you could hightail your ass to Bad Bean for a bloody mary.. THAT is what it looked like. You never quit drinking, you quit holding a glass in your hand.

So let's take a good hard look at where you are now and what you see now and what your heart feels now.

Did you gain 45 lbs last year? Yes. No.. seriously did you REALLY gain 45 pounds last year? Or did you put back on 35 lbs of unsustainable weight loss and actually only gain 8 lbs more than your highest weight in the last 9 years? It's 8 honey.. it's 8. 

Do you see where this weight loss journey is headed? Is there an image? Does it feel like something. Yes, you know it does, because you have that image of purple boots. You know Super Re with killer hair, outfit, and rhinestone boots, that image isn't hazy, it also isn't fat. You also have a feeling attached with that.. what is that Re? Power? Strength? Love? oh wait.. it's Pride.  You also saw that dress yesterday, the one on facebook,  that you no damn well would look like hell on you right now, but you saw yourself in it a year from now didn't you? You have that image.

What does not drinking look like?  It looks like you have more control Re. That you are deciding when you are going to have a glass of wine. There is no count down clock. There is no time frame. It is just a decision you will make when you get there, and getting there is not when you clock out every day from work.

What about your work out journey? Are you headed anywhere with that? Oh yes that is right.. you are. You see rejoining your friends and working out and feeling that feeling you felt in the before. That feeling when your smile was real. That feeling that you felt when you did the work out with your team and were a part of it. Those last 8 years, you had no heart in it. Sure you showed up, but there was no grit, no grind, no achievement, just the hamster wheel of put in the 75 minutes and leave.  You can almost feel what that felt like in the before can't you? It is so damn close, you can do this. It is ok for you to feel something other than darkness again, you NEED to know that it is ok to feel the sunshine.  You know she would want that.

Let's tie this letter up with your 6 lbs.   What does it feel like?  (It feels like I put in some hard work the last 7 days and it showed up right there on the scale.) No, Re.. that isn't a feeling, that is just what happened. What *clap* does *clap* it *clap* feel *clap* like? (It feels like I think I may be on the right track.) No again, that is just what you think may be happening. WHAT! DOES! IT! FEEL! LIKE! (It feels like I am one step closer to those boots, it feels like I am one mile closer to that feeling from the before, it feels like the Cinderella shoe is on, it feels like it is ok to feel exactly what I am feeling right now.) There you go Re.. there you go. It's ok not to feel "proud" of that 6lbs right now, what matters, what REALLY REALLY matters. Is that you do feel, you do have an image of future, and that you know in your heart what that image feels like, that you are working towards that. 

Hey Re, I am proud of you for that. Truly truly proud.

Love,
Re

Ok guys.. signing off today with this, Do you feel proud of yourself? Like seriously proud? If not, can you maybe dig through whatever it is you aren't feeling proud about and try to find parts and pieces that you are proud of? Me personally I am proud of you all! If you picked a random person and said.. Hey.. what are you proud of X for.. I could give you something within minutes. My goal.. to do that more with myself.

Peace, Love and Light,
Re

Good Morning!

First that sounds way more enthusiastic than I feel right now. Yes I did set my alarm for 5 .. I should have stuck with the 5:30 plan because I dreamt through that alarm until 6. Which was 5 yesterday so I guess that isn't soooo bad. It was one of those nights that was filled with weird dreams that I now can't remember. Although I do remember the one from Friday night, where my dad single-handedly took his French door fridge out of his house and brought it to my house and swapped it, because his ice maker would not work and I wasn't looking at it fast enough for him. It was a guilt dream because his ice maker would not work and I had not looked at it yet. LOL.

I wanted to talk to you guys today about something, who I am talking to when I write these posts and blogs. It really is very simple, I am talking to my friends. You.. you there reading it... I am talking to you. I know many of you wonder how in the world I can post my deepest darkest (crazy to think I have held a bit of that back still) truest moments out here for all of the world to see,  (Hi Mom.)  so I am going to try to make it understandable.

If you stood me up in a room of 1,068 people and said, Re, talk to us about what is going on, tell us what you feel, what has life been like, you would get a deer in headlights (please take the time to look at the deer pic if you are Facebook reading, because it is completely accurate)

I don't think I could do it. I don't think it would be raw and honest and near as meaningful as when I sit here and just type. The words and emotions come pouring out of me like a pent up damn, (likely because I damned them up for awhile) when I am armed with my keyboard. A clear sign of me not working on me, on me not being ok, on me pushing things down... a blank blog, and unmeaningful posts. BUT.. today.. here I am!

I remember, I guess what is close to 2 years ago now, that one of my most dear friends knew I was in a deep dark place and said "Lets talk about it over coffee tomorrow". We had coffee, a few words were spoken but it was more on the terms of, "It's ok, I will be fine, this is hard, but I will get through it" I also remember getting in the Jeep thinking "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.. YOU ARE NOT OK! These are your friends, they want to help you, they literally asked you here so they could HELP YOU!" So you see, even in a small setting, the words get stuck in my throat and just won't come out. It is likely a defense mechanism, if I can't see your look of disappointment, confusion, or all around disgust at not being able to understand what the heck I am talking about or feeling, then that is not an added pain to the already wicked rawness of what I feel on a daily. 

Writing this, here today to you, it is like writing a letter to a friend. Like the titles should always be Dear You. I don't always get feedback or replies, but many times I do, my wish is that one day it will start an open dialogue, especially with those closest to me. That one day I will be able to say, "Hey .. that blog post.. can we talk about it?" or even the opposite they ask me and I have the ability to use my voice. As it stands we are all a bunch of closed lip ninnies who dance around the elephant in the room. The elephant has many names, my self destruction, my mental illness, my weight but dancing we keep right on doing, even though I am over here JUMPING UP AND DOWN through my posts screaming THERE IS A F'ING ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM!!!! It's like one of those dreams you have when you know something really bad is about to happen and you are running around trying to warn everyone but you are invisible so they can't see you. Am I the only one that has that dream all the time? Don't get this twisted, if a group of you came at me and said.. "Hey do you know you have an elephant in your room?" I would likely respond with "What elephant?" I am as much to blame here. It's that voice thing... it is scary.. it is that visual thing.. I just can't take it.

I know at least one of you is wondering why in the world I don't just write a journal, keep it private, get the words out but keep them to yourself. Well, who would that help? It wouldn't help me, and it certainly would not help anyone else that is potentially dealing with their weight, how they feel, etc. To me, and I have said it before, if my words and writing can help one person, not feel alone, or understand someone they love a little better, or hell even understand me a little better, my open book style is worth every "Did she really just post that?"

So there you have it, why I drop it all on the keyboard, it is just me talking to you over coffee, because this is my voice. This is me, just talking to you in the only way I know how.

Signing off today with this, are you holding your feelings back, is there a way you can get them off of your chest that you have not tried?  And if you feel like you just have no one that would understand... see that little messenger box up there... here I am!

Peace, Love and Light

Re

Spindle Post 22:7:4

I do not understand it.. at all. I get the blah blah blah about how it was started due to an energy crisis or the farmers "needed more light" but you realize that is ridiculous right??

There is no more light, that is like saying a pound of muscle weighs more than fat. No.. no it does not it is only denser a pound is a pound. 24 hours is 24 hours and if there is 12 hours of light there is still 12 hours of light in that 24 hours.  Turning our clocks is not in any way changing the Earths rotation and or position.

I get it, people like it lighter longer in the evenings especially with summer around the corner, they want to boat longer, they want to play longer, pool longer, but I for one absolutely LOVE an evening on the deck with twinkly lights after a day on the boat, and I do really prefer to start enjoying that before 10 pm.  I also love waking up to the sun, I was laying in bed this week and thinking oh it is so lovely to be waking up as the sun does... wonk wonk waaaaaaa this morning I over slept my normal alarm by an hour and it was just waking up which means tomorrow... pitch black. Pfft! NOW I read they want to KEEP IT THIS WAY. That means in January there will be at least one day it will be 8 freaking 30 before the sun comes up. I mean what the hell. Again.. I get it.. if we move back that then that say day mean the sun will set about 4:30. So damn what? It's cold.. what you wanting to do outside in the cold between 4:30 and 5:30. Go in the house, read a book, by a fire!

I know I will get used to it and likely have the same and exact opposite rant in November when we fall back, so my true point here is this.. STOP F'ING WITH US! Do you Mr, (Ms, MRS, or is it They Government now? I don't even know.. ) just enjoy toying with your people twice a year for no good reason??  What is there to be accomplished here other than to send good people completely off their kilter. It was hard enough for me to set a clock every morning to just have some me time, now you do gone and shifted that again, hell I may as well add an hour to it get up at 5 and REALLY make the most of my day. Cold turkey all at once, add another thing to my plate to survive.

But I digress. Here we are. And her are some things I am going to implement in order to help with the change and or myself this week.

• I am going to ask dad if it is ok if we move his dinner reservation to 7 instead of 6:30 I am really pushing it every single day to get it ready in time, especially on gym days now that I have to ability to put in a good hour long work out and am not dead after 20 minutes.
  
• Speaking of the gym, I am hitting it this week on, Monday, Wednesday, Friday (for Zumba... I will likely perish for sure), Saturday for another Zumba for more perishing). I took yesterday off, I am hoping i can talk Mom in to an afternoon walk. I am trying to find my weekly planner to write this down. Walks will be Tuesday and Sunday.. rest day is Thursday. 
  
• I am truly going to set my alarm, another 30 minutes back, this week and another next week so that week days will actually begin at 5. (Ed do not say one dang word when i am going to bed at 7 pm this week lol) Oh by the way it is not some obnoxious alarm that scares the daylights out of you waking up, it is a very gentle progression of sweet sounds, almost light birds chirping. Gosh this sounds like torture.. but ripping off the bandaid is probably best. I have various reasons for doing this.
  
• I am going to get that gallon of water in every day and RECORD IT! I have been drinking a LOT of water this last week and I am almost positive that I hit it every day but after working I kinda stopped counting. I am a shameful shit and only drink bottled water so I always set out the number of bottles I need in a day and most of the time they are gone and on the days they are not are days I went to the gym then I drank car bottled water which I can down two in the time I am gone. Some people have car chapstick, house chapstick, pocketbook chapstick.. to me it is water.. it is every where.
  
• I am going to maintain my diet as is, and my daily time with myself, maintain my learning.
  
• And biggest for me of all.... I am going home for 3 days.
  
• Side Note: the next thing I am going to do is hold people accountable for their own crap!!! Ed put away the damn containers!
  

So about going home... that kinda scares me a bit. I mean I am really in the infancy stages of this, and I realize that life has to go on as normal regardless of the lifestyle I am choosing right now, but damn. Triggers alllll over the place. Ok the Bean is the biggest hurdle for me, I seriously in the first few hours of realizing that we were going, I planned 90% of my trip. 

Thursday - Dad has a dr appt so Norfolk first thing in the morning, will have my breakfast before we leave. Lunch is questionable so I will figure that out. He will likely want to stop some where, but I am going to try to get us home. Thursday evening dinner???? Up in the air!

Friday- coffee with the girls about 7, Zumba at 9, Knitting with the sisper, later and dinner with Drake at the Saltbox (no issues there I happen to know some pretty awesome accommodating chefs. Friday check no problem!

Saturday- Zumba at 9, lunch with sisper, hit Teeter, TJMaxx and Home Goods, and I am going to cook.

Sunday- come home first thing, yes Ed I said first thing! I need those few hours on Sunday afternoon to decompress before my week starts again.

Now here is where things get strange... I absolutely hate planning. It is gross and yucky and REALLY screws with my carefree, fly by the seat of my pants, spontaneous self, aka, my chaos. Planning means I have to really look at where I was going wrong before, where the obstacles and nose dives into cheese dips are. Ripping all those crutches away is staggering at times, but it is forcing a complete look at everything. Some days that is easy some days it absolutely sucks. Yes there is some free time in the weekend so not every second is planned but I totally planned but I have a good foundation going.

It all starts with a good foundation right?

Signing off with this, what do you do in your life to make things easier on yourself? Do you consciously think about these things? Let me know.. I want to hear your ideas!

Peace, Love and Light
Re

Happy 21st to ME! I am laughing at the moment because I am seriously way farther way from 21 than actual 21 but to me something about 21 has always been a big deal. It's an odd number and not my favorite by any means what so ever but there it is. (in case you want to know my favorite numbers... 13, 18, 22, 222.. but not 3 never ever 3) It has been 21 days today that I decided that I needed to change my life. The last go around with this was about 18 months ago and I made it 90 days.

I went back and looked at the post from the 21st day of that stint and I was struggling. It wasn't a happy post, it was a meh post. More hey I got here, this is still hard, want to know why it was hard? Because from day one I was counting down the days until I could have chips and salsa, drink 14 bloody marys, and six bottles of wine, topped off with a pizza and cheesecake that is why. I knew from the day I started the day I could go to Bad Bean. It was hella restrictive as I mentioned before, being told you will never be normal again is a hard pill to swallow especially when by normal they mean you can have, some vegetables, chicken, and limited seafood and beef or was it pork. I don't know either way it was ROUGH. The big take away was this.. I would rather be fat, as is apparently by my large ass size. That time cost a lot of money, but it was what I said was my last straw before weight loss surgery which would have cost triple if not more than what was spent.  (FYI nothing in the world is wrong with surgery! I support you, it is a wonderful tool for so many). What it did teach me is this, I CAN lose weight. 

I know the weight shouldn't be that big of a factor and health should be my primary concern, and I feel like I will get there, but that number on the scale.. Yea no. I don't know what the end game looks like for that number because I have been big for so long that I don't know what my comfortable not big number is, but I think I am dealing with that in a healthy way this time. I am not out here saying I am going to be 125 lbs (I think i weighed that when I was 2) I am out here saying I have a substantial amount of weight to lose. I am not out here saying I am going to be a size 4 (again.. I think I was 2) I am out here saying I want to be a healthier size. I think in so many tries before the diet itself was not the problem but my attitude about the diet was.

I can hear my Aunt Reedie now, "I'm not on a diet" well my dear beloved aunt.. you were. I think that is the first time in my life I have ever talked back to her, she is either really proud right now or cussing me. The truth is we all have a diet, you, me, her, everyone has a diet. What you consume is your diet. If we consciously put an effort into eating a certain way we are in fact on or have a specific diet. That change in the way of eating may be for a lifetime, like my aunt, or for drop 10 pounds before high school reunion, either way.. a diet.

I started Keto 100% on Monday, my goal is to stay strictly Keto for 90 days and evaluate how I feel and what changes I am seeing and if it is for me. I have no idea what that date is.  October 28th is the date from the last time.. still ingrained in my brain because I was not at all in any way in the right head space for what I was doing.  It is my hope and wish that this time I am doing all of the right things, in all of the right times, and trying to learn all I can about myself, how I am eating, paying close attention to how I am feeling. I want to be bigger than this problem, this fear, I want to be stronger than my emotions.  I have one hella amazing friend who doesn't mind me sending pics of my macros, or answering any questions and is cheering like crazy, that in of itself is a HUGE help!  This just feels, different. I don't feel like I am counting down the days to 90 so I can have chips and salsa, I feel like I am counting up the days to 90 so I can see what changed.  I think that is a good healthy way to look at it.

Is Keto the right thing for me? I don't know, but right now, right this minute it feels like the shoe is fitting nicely. I am not having a hard time staying under my carbs, actually if anything they may be a little less than I thought, taking that coffee creamer out of my diet made a HUGE dent alone, but I also have easily seen where there were problems before. Breakfast was whatever I could grab if I had anything, poptart, egg sandwich, left over pasta. Lunch was again, whatever was quick and easy and usually something full of carbs and little health. Dinner, not so much of an issue, dad and I have been eating very well at dinner time, a very rounded meal that I have easily been able to substitute out carbs and add in an additional veggie. Getting my water in has not been a very big deal, I am pleasantly surprised at that. Right now I don't have a "this is hard" story, it has only been 5 days after all. My most "frightening" moment was going out to dinner on day 2.. like seriously dad.. you picked that day?  After a little panicked text, I ordered the most amazing grilled chicken salad and ended up having the other half for lunch the next day!

Is Keto the right thing for you? No earthly idea. Try it.. if you hate it.. find another shoe.

For as long as I can remember, especially back when I was a kid, my mom has told me I had a bad attitude (I think that was her you are being a brat language).  I don't know about bad, but I do know I have faced my weight, my ways of eating, and my health with the WRONG attitude, I think I am on the road to fixing that. In the mean time.. wish me luck.

Signing off today with this... think about problems in your life that you are dealing with right now, is the problem really the problem or is the problem your attitude about the problem? Either way.. you are bigger than whatever it is! You got this!!!

Peace, Love and Light
Re

They came back today. I caught it on camera and a snip of video if you are on facebook reading this. Sorry the video seems weird I held my camera up videoing nothing for about a minute... what can I I say I had not even had a sip of go go juice yet.  I also thought maybe they would like a snack but did that a little too late. Ed is going to kill me.. it seems we now have wild geese pets.. I want to name them Thelma and Louise but I think Louise is likely Louis. Oh maybe Louis isn't actually Canadian! Maybe he is Spanish and it is pronounced closer to Louise! Yea that is it is.. Thelma and Spanish Louis!

Ya'll this brain... aren't you glad you get a glimpse into the insanity?

Yesterday I wasn't feeling all that great by noon, headache, teeth hurt (yes I know that sounds odd but that is something that happens when I don't feel well, it is not a tooth ache like I need to go to the dentist my teeth all just hurt, think of a headache but in your face), just all around blah so I bagged the walk and just spent some time reading my new book one of my heart lights surprised me with. In case you don't know what a heart light is, it is a dearly loved person who brings happiness to your heart. In case you are wondering why you have never heard of that before.. I think I made it up. I will say this.. if all my heart lights flipped on at once the entire world would be blinded. I do love you all so much.

Anyhoooo back to the feeling meh, it is all likely due to cutting out the carbs, or coffee creamer withdrawals, is there a rehab for coffee creamer? I know you guys are sick of hearing about coffee creamer but I just have to share again about it. Yesterday I am sitting here and I am feeling the faceache (maybe that is what we should call it) and the headache and the meh and I would have chewed my arm off for a cup of coffee creamer, I mean do not even bother putting in the coffee just heat up the creamer and let me main line it.  I sat here with the feeling for a bit and tried to just figure it out, why all of a sudden was I dying for coffee creamer... because I didn't feel good that is why.

It is that brain malfunction again, you feel like crap... that smooth sweetness will make you feel better. Ohhh ut oh... you are feeling some grief... that bottle of wine will make it go way.  OH NO!! Horrible day at work left you full of stress and anxiety?? Order a whole pizza, eat it all that will fix it.  Brother and his friends called you a warthog.. go eat all the debbie cakes that will easy that hurt, this also means that they wouldn't have any to eat so it was a win win in my 10 year old book. As long as I can remember, even back to childhood I have fed my emotions and feelings. It was the only thing that felt comforting to me.

I am sitting here with tears just streaming down my face, because the very last time I felt comforted by anything other than food, or booze, or cigarettes, or coffee creamer was standing in the park in ride on 14. When my daddy got there, and he just stood there and held me and said "It's ok sugar.. it's ok" and for those one or two moments.. I believed him. I can still hear him saying those words but it was never ok again, and I have never felt ok again. Ed asks me all the time, "How can I help you? What do you need?" The truth is.. I don't know. I don't even know why in that moment on that horrible day that particular hug those particular words felt different, even if for seconds.

For the record, I didn't drink the coffee creamer and the faceache eventually eased off. I still don't know how you can help me, but I am trying to help myself.. I think.

I was being silly yesterday and sent my seeeeeesssstterrrr a text :

March 2020 Re: Let's give up all that we have worked for, our home, our health, our beloved job and try to drink ourselves to death and go out with a bang end of February 2021

March 2021 Re: Shit still here. Let's give up all of our vices and throw working out just for a side dish of fun all within 2 weeks and see if you can survive that!

It is clear obvious that I don't like myself very much.

But here I am.. navigating a world that I have been building with garbage for 50 years, looking for the hidden tapes. My very own Palace of Depression.. If you get the reference you are as old as I am and we should be besties, because I can only think of ONE PERSON who may get it.

I don't think finding the core of myself is impossible, in fact I know that it is possible. I know that I am strong enough to do it, it is just going to be a bumpy ride, because to get to that good, to get to that place of comfort within myself, I am going to have to pick through a lot of garbage. I am going to have to let go of a lot of hurt, a lot of anger, and yes even some hate. I am going to have to let go of pseudo comforts. I am going to have to find new ways, because if I don't I am just going to live the rest of my life not ok, and that.. is not ok.

So what can you do.. be patient... be kind... be a friend... and above all don't leave me when I mention coffee creamer.

Today I am going to sign on with this... take some time today and think about your heart lights, put out some good juju into the universe for them, or even take a minute and be a heart light to someone else.

Peace, Love and Light

Re

Well.. no not you .. especially you there reading this in your drawers.. I definitely can not see you! I can see my words! The little doodad came in yesterday this is so much more comfortable!

Speaking of comfort, neither KD or I wanted to get up this morning even after a solid 8 hours. Sitting here 30 minutes after being awake I feel like the bed is still calling me! I think there are a couple of reasons for that. 1.  I have a very very very comfy bed. 2. I have in fact moved in some forward motion for 14 or so days straight, yesterday being a bit of a harder one. (I have a rest day it is Sunday so I guess I shouldn't stay straight but you get what I mean.) 3. Do you know how hard it is to get up when your snuggle buddies have no desire to??? 4. My tried and true method of sleeping 3 to 5 hours a night turned on a dime about a year ago and I found myself needing more minutes, to the point I am now, 8 hours seems to be my minimum to function. I don't know what caused the shift, age maybe, obesity maybe, who knows but here we are just plain sleepy this morning after 8 hours. 5. The exhaustion of the last year is just catching up to me, in so many ways, but this could be one of them.

Speaking of exhaustion, I need a vacation. I need 4 to 5 days somewhere.. alone. I know that sounds awfully horrible and nasty and selfish doesn't it? Hell I would settle for 2. Just me.. some books.. some writing.. some working out.. some sleeping.. some resetting. I know you are thinking.. just go home for a couple of days.. When I do I feel so obligated to run around seeing the people I have missed for so long, that when I get back here I am even more exhausted! Sadly I can not think of one place that I want to go that doesn't sound exhausting just to plan out! Ed come get the dogs and just lock me in the house for 2 days! Hmmm.. that quarantine thing isn't sounding so bad at the moment. Jokes people I got jokes! Anyone got a vacation house open for the weekend?? Ahh but what a miracle that would be.

Speaking of miracles, have you seen my dad lately???  Dude! That man is a walking, talking, hunting, laughing, joking, MIRACLE. I can show you this progression in photos that would blow your mind. When Covid hit and they closed down the restaurants is when I started to spend more time in Mathews, so roughly a year ago this week. As the weeks passed by I noticed this downward slide in his health. I started to notice the massive weightloss, the lack of appetite, the general sickness in his eyes, probably around the end of June. On my birthday I realized things were getting worse because I remember being worried about him getting on the boat. By his birthday he was really bad and we started chasing down reasons and causes and diagnosis. He didn't hunt, he was constantly cold, he needed help doing things that he has done every day since he was old enough to have a dog, he was most definitely not my strong dad. Thanksgiving he was not good... by Christmas people would ask how he was and my response was.. and I hate to say this.. "If you want to see him, I think you should go see him now."  I said things to him that I was scared I may never get the chance to say again. Fast forward to December 21st.. the bloody nose from hell. I have never seen anyone bleed so much and survive. I knew that day that my dad had days left... maybe weeks IF we were lucky. He was weak, he was tired, and to some degree he had just given up. Nothing was making him any better, we had test after test after test and everything was no .. no.. no.. nope. The one issue he does have is his heart valve, his heart failure doctor said repeatedly that he didn't feel dads symptoms were due to his heart, but it was the ONLY thing that we could find wrong. So we chased and chased and chased getting that repaired until the last phone call of "No, we are sorry.. your dad does not qualify for replacement."  I cried that day, a lot. I knew that was the end, because dad had said so many times "When I get this heart fixed....." but we had reached a point that there just was no fix. When I told him that night, his response was not what I expected, he said "well I am surprised it took them this long to tell me no" somewhere in his heart he knew how unlikely it was. I can't tell you what has happened since or why, because we have not changed anything. In the process of all of this dad has stopped taking either 4 or 5 of his blood pressure and heart regulating medicines that he has been on for years. His blood pressure is normal with no medication, His heart rate is normal with no medication, and he has gone from sitting in his recliner for the majority of the day and only having strength to sit at the dinner table to eat, to going out and hunting 4 days last week, 2 days already this week and plans to split wood today. I am thinking of spending more time at home soon, he is that much better.

Speaking of going home, that gives me so much anxiety. Crazy right?? Being here has driven me crazy.. now going home is going to drive me crazy. Simply because of fear. What if I go home and ... those damn what if's. Either way it is on the realm of possibility. I am thinking right now two weeks here.. two weeks there. I know I can not do every other week, traveling every weekend would be the pits! But being home more is on the table, how exciting!

Speaking of exciting! You have reached the end of today's post. Take some time today and just think about what miracles have happened around you and be grateful for them.

Peace Love and Light,
Re

Are they gonna be low down?
Will they ever be around?
Or will they turn their backs on you?

That will likely be stuck in my head for the remainder of the day!  I know we have talked about the mean voices in my head multiple times, this morning will not be an exception,  it's rare that the voices are nice to me (if for some reason you are reading my posts for the first time ... don't worry they don't be telling me to harm anyone else, or wear aluminum foil on my head.. they are just mean to me). It is like there is this group of bullies in my head, yes there are more than one they sound different, and they are nasty and mean a LOT. Then some where in the back there is this me, who is healthy, not obese, mentally strong, dressed to the nines with her face on and hair fixed, or in her work out clothes ready for her long run, jumping up and down cheering. She makes it through every now and again. Right to the front and there she is! Jumping up and down! Screaming "YOU GOT THIS RE YOU GOT THIS!!!!"

Unfortunately, she is one, they are many. I think the "they" are born from every wrong I thing I have ever done in my life. Shitty mom. Craptastic Daughter. Unreliable Friend. Lazy Fat F@#k. Awful Significant Other. Warthog of a Sister. They are all there, just like the multiple personalities I am making it sound like I have. Side Note: I don't.. they don't have proper names or present themselves differently so that is a plus. These bitches all live in my head rent free, and if we really look at it I am paying them to live there. With my sanity and my life. I am really working on this, I am REALLY trying to help myself. I am reading, I am googling, I am doing all the things to make me better, and where I am right now is that singular chick in the back, the one with the beauty in her, with the Dolly Pardon hair (sorry it's a thing), in her Stevie Nicks attire and the amazing purple boots with rhinestones (stop laughing this is my super me) is going to have to kill the rest of them. She is literally going to have to sneak up and just take them out. With each one gone, she will get stronger, she will be more powerful, and she will be more beautiful, and I don't mean on the outside I mean on the in. Side note 2 If you ever happen to see me walking through town in purple boots with rhinestones.. I made it.

This post is kinda going all over the place so buckle up butter cup. This whole thing started with a pair of geese, it isn't a gaggle of them because there are only two, it takes three to be a gaggle, in case you didn't know that, but more on them in a minute. As I was thinking of the geese the song popped in my head there I was in the dining room just singing this song. When I said my mind was never quiet, it isn't. If the voices aren't talking, if I am not conversing with myself, there is music. It's this really strange thing where songs pop up that seem to some how relate to what I am seeing, or sometimes just randomly, literally just looked out the window and saw the bird feeders need food the finches are squabbling and Californication starts playing .. no idea why. So that is why sometimes I do the song thing.. it is just playing in my head. :)

Now back to the not gaggle, they appeared over the weekend looking for a place to live (queue slick rick children's story) and for some reason they have chosen our little point. This morning I opened the door to let the dogs out, no geese, I thought to myself well they decided better of it and moved along to the next Zillow listing. I came in the house to turn on the coffee pot and went back to see where the pups were (who let the dogs out) and there they are.. the geese! They are leaving the little marshy area between our house and the neighbors swimming TOWARDS our house. At first the pups do not see them but then Banx does! (he is much more interested in them that KD, she just watches them with what appears to be awe, like laid down on the dock and just watched this whole thing)  Bark bark bark.. HONK HONK HONK Bark Bark HONK HONK. It was literally like friends talking to each other, saying "Good morning! How are you today?" That is what led down the path of unlikely friends (I've got friends in low places.. see I am telling you this does not stop) and the first song of the day.

I have some of the most amazing friends. I want to thank you all, each and every one of you that have stood right there cheering away as I self destructed (welcome to the jungle) ... wait that doesn't sound right, you were not cheering the destruction but for me to make it through, anyhoooooo, thank you! You guys are the real heros in my story. I wouldn't be here without you. What I am incredibly grateful for is the unlikelihood of some of those friends. It's the people that someone looking in from the outside would think "How did that happen?", it is you guys that have brought so much unexpected love and things that I needed exactly when I needed them. (I will always love you... ) I just want you to know.. you have made a difference. It could be as simple as a comment on a post, a surprise in the mail, an offer to help, a walk in the afternoon, a phone call, a text... all of that... all of that is kryptonite (Kryptonite ...well duh) to the bullies! My wish... that one day I am standing tall in those boots and can repay you all.

This morning I am going to sign off with a request of you guys.. take a few minutes today. Think about the people in your life, even the unlikely ones and send up some gratitude to the universe for them, because I don't think we can do this thing called life (Let's go crazy) without them.

PS.. Ed do you see why it takes me so long to write now?? It's the music.

Peace, Love and Light

Re

I am sitting here this morning having my NutPod creamer coffee with my smig of Swerve and you know what? It is good. Yet as I mentioned yesterday that coffee creamer there in the case in every grocery store in America speaks to me. It screams "You know you know you want me, you know you need me!" I know with all in me that the crap is hella bad for you, but I continue to go back to it and when I do I continue to put off what I KNOW is the right thing and that is stop drinking it.

We do that all over our lives, or at least some of us do. Another example I am writing this blog on my Mac, bless his heart he has hung with me for a many a year. He is old and outdated but the only thing I do on him is write my blog so in my mind he is perfect, except for one tiny thing.. his tiny little screen. Day after day I sit here and write and squint to read the words I am even typing. Readers won't work, the screen is too far away for that because I use a different keyboard, BUTTTTTT, a tiny little adapter would allow me to connect my big monitor to it so I could see. It took me a week to click on add to cart, it wasn't about money the thing is so inexpensive it was purely out of .. what? I have no idea. Why do we put off the things that we know will help us?

Here is a list of things I KNOW are good for me that I just have a hard time starting or sticking too

• Moving every day in a forward motion that better improves my performance and mental stability (aka exercise but that word just sounds like ick lol) 
• Drinking a gallon of water a day. Why is this one so hard on some days and others, nothing to it? Some days I drink the whole gallon before lunch!
  
• Spending time with myself, educating myself about myself. That one is pretty simple.. I don't like hanging around people I don't particularly like. I can say that you know, I don't like me. I don't like the me that I have become neither physically or mentally, but right now I like myself enough to help me. A friend used to say I love and like you, meaning that there could come up a time that they may not like me very much but it wouldn't stop their love.  Right now I love myself enough to help me get to somewhere I like, but man is it hard to hang around me sometimes.
  
• Eating healthy choices. That one is simple.. there are soooooo many carb loaded yummies out there in flash pretty boxes that make it look like you are going to feel better if you just eat them!
  
• Spending more time with people who love me. I know some of you believe I am a social butterfly, potentially true, but here in VA I tend to lock myself down to just a handful of people. I know I know pandemic we had to, but this is deeper. I will cram my schedule so full of things that when people do ask me to do things, people who love me who are good for me, I have to say no because my calendar is so full. This could have more to do with me not wanting to spend time with myself so I create a calendar of chaos so there is no down time than it is with wanting time with others.
  
• Letting go of things I know are bad!!!! Toxic people. Toxic situations. Toxic relationships. Toxic food.  I will hold on to those things like they are gold all the while letting the good walk right on by!  I am going to give you a for instance here. There once was a woman,  we will call her Francis, and for weeks and weeks she acted like my bestie and there I was lapping it all up. Doing all the things she wanted to do, the way she wanted to do, liking who she wanted me to like, until one day I spoke up and said something that she didn't particularly like and it wasn't even something horrible. Francis came after me like a volt of vultures, ripped me to threads and left me for dead. Do you know what I did in return? I still contact her from time to time because as toxic as it was I can not let it go.  I have countless stories just like this with toxic people that I just can not say good reddens to.  It is definitely something I need to dig deeper into, because I KNOW they need to go but again, why in the world do I hold on to them?
  

I could probably come up with a few more to add to the list but I think that is enough for my poor brain to focus on today. I would really like some feed back on these, if anyone is in a similar situation I would love to chat it out with you or if someone has beat these things and learned to stop doing things to themselves that just do not serve them I would love to hear from you too!

For today I am going to ponder, and think of ways that I can learn to fill my life with the good things and let go of those bad ones that seem to just get in the way. Right this minute I am going to sign off and I am going to enjoy my coffee and start my day by watching the two geese that have determined our little point is home even though it is a volatile neighborhood for them.

Happy Monday!
Peace, Love and Light

Re

That picture from our honeymoon that night in Frisco bay.. just give it away... just give it away...

What is it with me and songs???  Anyhooooooo it is 8x8 Sunday! Lots of unpacking to do.

First off a bit of negative. First thing this morning I got some news that just made me mad! MAD! Not at myself but at another, at their complete lack of regard for anyone else that is supposed to be part of their life. I slammed a pan, I cussed a bit, I told their mother they were a boob. None of it made me feel any better, but stopping for just a second and thinking that I can NOT control their behavoir and that writing would better suit my mood did. I chiled out made breakfast and then enjoyed a chat on the phone with sister in law extrodianare! (side note: Wendy.. you rock! I don't know what I did to deserve you but I am glad I did!)

The fact of the matter is for YEARS I have carried this burden of what others thought and how others behaved and in turn allowed it to affect ME! My very first thought this morning was "What did I do so horribly bad that made someone have such little regard", when my first thought SHOULD have been, "What is wrong with them?" or even better "Well that's nice." and gone right along about my day.   I can not control the behavior or feelings of anyone.. ever.. it is not my burden or my job. My one and only rule in this world is to cause no harm, others thoughts, actions, emotions are ALL on them.  It is also not for me to sit here today over a plate of nachos disecting every wrong thing I have ever done in my life because someone didn't give a flying hoot about me.  That is how the self loathing starts, "what is so wrong with me that they don't like me" and before I finish devouring my emotions for the day the entire world hates me because I dropped my sippy cup in my grandmothers living room in 1973 and a pleathora of other wrong doings ranging from being the worlds worst mother to  I burnt the grilled cheese that  one time.  The further down that rabbit hole I go, the more calories I pick up, the less active I become because I am so bound and constricted with bad food choices and just plain darkness. 

I absolutely HAVE to let that go, because that leads right into another issue, acceptance and wanting others to be proud of me. Want to know why every weight loss attempt I have ever made has failed? I did not do it for me. I didn't do it for my own self acceptance or pride in myself, I did it for others to accept me, and to not view me as the fun fat girl (hell I am not even fun anymore) and to be proud of the work I did to get skinny. I wanted to hear "I am proud of you". Maybe if I wasnt' going around dropping sippy cups in 1973 I would have heard that more as a kid and woudn't be so f%#ked up now... see how that rabbit hole pops up! Because I was doing all of these things for others, do you see how easy it was to fail? All it took was one person to slight me in some way that could be twisted to be my fault and "everyone hated me and why am I even trying, you fake fat f*ck" queue the nachos and 3 bottles of wine! Wicked cycle.

I was asked earlier this week how a goal I had set for myself looked and felt, I have pondered on that for about 6 days now. Why do I feel the need to run another half marathon? We are going to look at that first. It took so much unpacking to get to the whole answer on this simple question but it finally came. I need to do it for me. It feels like one word, redemption but it is loaded with so much more. My first half I ran was not even for me, my marathons none for me, I can sit here and tell you every one of those half and full marathons I did and exactly who I did them for and the answer was.. not me. Going to explain this by just focusing on the very first one for a minute. It was back in 2012 and I had just moved to a new town a few weeks before. Thankfully I had my sisper to keep me from going completely nuts those first few months and then I met my beloved Amanda who I have no idea how I managed to do life before her  Through these relationships I found Outer Banks Bootcamp and boom.. hooked. The first thing I did was sign up to run walk a half marathon in April because people would ilke me if I did this race, but my coach had other plans he was going to show me and the rest of the world that one could train for a half marathon from never running before in just 7 weeks! He had the right student because I was so hell bent on pleasing him that I tried to rot my foot off, but guess what, I ran every step of that first half marathon, and guess what else.. he wasn't at the end waiting to tell me he was proud. (my sister and Amanda both were though!)  Want to know why he wasn't there, it doesn't matter... that is why, I should have never been running that race to show him or anyone else I could do it to start with I should have done it for me!  It was a lesson that was being taught to me and I left it right there on the 13.1 mile run and never picked it up, or any other time it presented itself in the countless miles i have run in 5ks, half, wholes, spartans... I don't think I have done a single mile to make myself proud. So yes.. this is redemption, I am regaining possesion of my own races, of my own miles, of my own self worth and pride, that is what this half marathon goal looks like. (Ps if you want to cheer me on I won't be stopping you because I love the cheers and the finish lines of happiness). All of this unpacking of that goal led me to think about my weight loss goals and where the heck I was with that too.

When the question was asked about my running goal, it made me question myself about my weight. Why is it so important for me to lose the weight, why does the weight loss have to be a focal point and not just acceptance of who I am as I am? All my life I have battled this weight thing, just like my running always for someone else. My first diet, I wasn't even in high school, I didn't even know at the time I was "fat" and the cycle began. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo I have been at the higher end of the Yo for quite a few years but still in those high numbers I Yo Yoed. Because I wanted you to accept me. Today I am not doing any of this because I want you to accept me.. I want me to accept me. I want me to go in my closet grab something I absolutely love and look in the mirror and be proud of what I look like.  I know this maybe a little surprising to some but I really do like to put on a face, fix my hair, throw on a hat and look like a queen, versus the oversized t-shirts and leggings.

*I* WANTto know what it feels like to dress like Stevie because *I* AM PROUD of how MY body looks and not dress like Stevie hoping no one sees how MY body looks. (Ignore the caps.. they are all for me. I wrote the whole thing with you's and your's but sorry guys this is not about YOU! No matter how much I love you.

I want to wake up in the morning and not think about all of the clothes I own that I can't button or snap or stretch to fit and just to throw in the towel and walk around looking like Mama Cass.  (want to see how messed up my head is.. the first edit of this statement.. full of *I* not one you in the bunch)

I want to know how that feels, and frankly this time, I don't give a hoot how you feel about it.  As vain as this may be to some... I had some dreams there were clouds in my coffee... opps sorry. As I was saying it may seem vain but to me it isn't about vanity, it isn't about how I look to you, it is about how I feel to me.  I NEED THIS. I need to feel better in so many aspects, but what I do know is that physically feeling better helps me mentally feel better.  So here is what is happening to make that happen.

Over the last 16 days, I have put down some of my heavy duty crutches. Things I have turned to in those moments of self loathing, depression and anxiety that were always there and readily available to make me "feel better". I was serious about it, I poured them out, tossed them in the garbage or simply walked away. Tomorrow is the big day, the biggest walk away of them all. Carbs. You see I am alergic to them, I keep breaking out in fat. I am fully going to dedicate myself to Keto for 90 days, at the end of that time I am going to evalute how I feel and what things are looking like. As I mentioned before I have tried so many diets, low fat, high carb, no carb, no dairy, cottage cheese and beets, on and on and on and nothing stuck (see above.. didn't do it for me) The last go around cost a LOT of money and was so unsustanable that I just can't go back even though I lost weight,

I feel like I lived those 90 days on chicken and brocolli and hearing over and over that you will need to eat this way for the remainder of your life was "OMG", don't get me wrong there was a lot of good taught to me in that and I will take things I learned onward into this next chapter but for the love of all that is good do not tell me I can't ever have cheese, I will not be your friend. My biggest hang up is the coffee creamer, that stuff I swear is laced with crack! So many times I have told myself I am not buying that anymore and I go to the store and "OHHHHH COCOA PEBBLES COFFEE CREAMER GET IN MY CART!!!" It is ridiculous in that when I last gave it up I was fully happy with Half and Half and swerve in my coffee in the mornings, but yet DOVE DARK CHOCOLATE ALMOND comes screaming into the isles and all will power is lost. It is likely going to be one of my hardest vices to break, so if I am a raving lunatic on Wednesday you all know why, well I mean more so than normal.

So why did I chose Keto? Couple of different reasons:
One: The many people I know who have had success.
Two: The many people who have reached out and said, "Just give it a try".
Three: After reserching and knowing my bodies own reaction to carbs versus low carb and some specific issue targetting factors with Keto (think the huge ass stay puff marshmallow ring I have around my middle)
Four: It is rather easy to adapt in a carb for my dad.

I would also like to point out that I have done my research and it won't affect my heart. My heart issue has absolutely nothing to do with what I eat, losing the weight and becoming a healthier me far outweighs any other thoughts of what it could maybe possibly do. Someone loved me enough to call me on it so I wanted to be sure I pointed it out.

So here we go... full on start tomorrow. It is time. Here's to me.

Peace, Love and Light,

Re