Like there is this huge thing, and really it is a huge thing, and I can't see past the place I was to see that I saved the kid drowning. I want so badly, to be proud, just like that little kid, but it just won't make it's way to the surface.
Yesterday, was day 8 on Keto, no cheats, no stumbles, no trip ups into a bag of chips. Ed thought he caught me "cheating" once because I had ice cream in my hand but it was Keto friendly. I have measured my macros out every morning for what the day's meals will be and if I need a little snack in the afternoon I just shift something around to make it happen. I have done REALLY well. Again, I think back to last year when I said I wanted to try, and didn't. Instead of being proud of how easy the transition has been to Keto for me, it comes out as, "Yea well you could have had 8 months in instead of 8 days if you hadn't given up on yourself." What the hell is that??? If you came to me and said.. "Hey Re! I have been on Keto for 8 days and feel really great! I am doing this thing!" and I knew you had struggled and struggled and struggled to find your Cinderella shoe for your diet I would be overwhelmingly happy for you! I would be so proud that you kept trying, even when everything else you ever did just didn't work for you.
I go to the Y on Mondays. I want to start the week out with a pretty intense workout. It lays out the plan for the rest of the week it feels like. The other days I have been completely enjoying walks with my "friend" aka Mom. I weigh at the Y on Mondays, they have a good scale and they have a full length mirror for me to take a pic. Monday's just became the day to take stock. The scale was down 6 pounds since Keto walked into my life, instead of being over the moon excited that the second number changed on the scale I was all.. Meh. I sent a message to my extraordinary friend who is helping me navigate all of this Keto business, (I am so lucky to have her in my life.. I hope she knows how much I really adore her.. and not just for Keto help.. her heart is genuinely pure and caring and we would all be better people just to know her, now back to the message..) "6 pounds down" was all that as written. There was no woohoo, no yay, no check this out... just "6 pounds down". It came out with as much enthusiasm as "the tomatoes are rotten". Lucky for me... I think she knows me better than I know me at times because her woohooo yay filled message back ended with "I hope you are proud of yourself" I didn't lie I told her flat out I wasn't, that I wanted to be, but I just wasn't. I also told her I would work through it by this morning but here I am still trying to figure out why I can't be proud of that.
In our few minute conversation yesterday I likened the 6 lbs scale drop to this:
It FEELS like that load of laundry you are having to redo because you forgot it in the washer for 2 days. It stinks. It may be a bit cold and slimy. It isn't fun. You wasted time. In order to get your clothes smelling so fresh and so clean clean you have to redo it again, maybe twice. It feels like that. Like if I had just not forgotten, I would not be where I am and the clothes would be clean, folded and put away by now. I want my brain to say, "Ok.. here we are.. we are doing this! We are not forgetting this time, we have a new plan and look what you did in just 8 days! You remembered that load and you restarted it with just the right amount of detergent and they are washing all that stink away!" but that damn voice... "You know .. if you hadn't quit you would be so much farther.... "
Going to try something new here, I am going to write my friend a letter and see what I would be saying to someone other than.. well.. me.
"If you hadn't quit you would be so much farther..." Oh but would you now? Seriously me.. get it together. Yes you stumbled and you put on 45 freaking pounds in a year, guess what you aren't alone. So many people struggled with 2020, you are just no exception and you bozo, look at all you had on your plate, you were juggling so many balls that a couple dropped along the way, it's ok.. they are rubber they bounce back!
But while we are at it.. lets look at the last 10 years why don't we. when was the last time you saw a one on the scale again? Oh... you don't remember? Its ok.. I can tell you. Tuesday September 11, 2012 you were 190.4 pounds, and it took you 9 months to lose 24 pounds to get to that. Want to know what happened shortly after.. oh I think you know. I don't think you need the reminder. Since then you have lived your life hovering between 205 and 235.. Yea you may have been down to 205 in October 2019 but honey, how you got there, just wasn't your Cinderella shoe. So when the whole world came crashing down, you didn't have a sustainable tool in your belt and frankly last year when the shoe was presented to you again, it didn't fit. It pinched, it caused blisters, and you didn't have the time or energy to break in that new shoe. Your head and heart were not in the game... just like the last 8 years.
Sure ... you have done so many freaking races, you have lifted so many weights, but was your heart in any of them? No.. really.. was it? Is there any other time with the exception of that one hug at the end of your marathon that time that you felt your race? No I don't mean in your feet I mean in your heart. Be honest with yourself. Right now... be honest. That's right.. you didn't. Nothing you did to "better yourself" came from your heart and when it doesn't come from the heart, the pieces don't fit and you find yourself just continuously moving them around to make a picture, without even realizing you were working with 3 different puzzles.
In the last 9 years, did you allow yourself to see what you could accomplish? What you want the outcome of your hard work to look like? Or was the future just a haze because you had no plans on being here? It was a haze... you don't have to tell me, I already know. Think back to all of those times you had to write on a little piece of paper what your goal was for that session of bootcamp, did any of those goals have an image attached, a feeling attached? Or was it just a task that had to be completed.
The last time you "quit drinking" ( I use quotes because I have not committed to a life of no vodka, I have committed to some time with no vodka) what did it look like? Do you remember? I do. Let me refresh your memory. The first time it was.. "Let me see if I can make it 30 days".. you know just so you could see if you had a problem or not. You flew through that with flying colors (PS grab that book from home this weekend) Ok check.. no problem. Wait another year and get told you have to quit drinking for your diet. Do you remember exactly what looked like, do you remember what it felt like? Again.. let me tell you. It felt like 90 days of torture counting down to the day that you could hightail your ass to Bad Bean for a bloody mary.. THAT is what it looked like. You never quit drinking, you quit holding a glass in your hand.
So let's take a good hard look at where you are now and what you see now and what your heart feels now.
Did you gain 45 lbs last year? Yes. No.. seriously did you REALLY gain 45 pounds last year? Or did you put back on 35 lbs of unsustainable weight loss and actually only gain 8 lbs more than your highest weight in the last 9 years? It's 8 honey.. it's 8.
Do you see where this weight loss journey is headed? Is there an image? Does it feel like something. Yes, you know it does, because you have that image of purple boots. You know Super Re with killer hair, outfit, and rhinestone boots, that image isn't hazy, it also isn't fat. You also have a feeling attached with that.. what is that Re? Power? Strength? Love? oh wait.. it's Pride. You also saw that dress yesterday, the one on facebook, that you no damn well would look like hell on you right now, but you saw yourself in it a year from now didn't you? You have that image.
What does not drinking look like? It looks like you have more control Re. That you are deciding when you are going to have a glass of wine. There is no count down clock. There is no time frame. It is just a decision you will make when you get there, and getting there is not when you clock out every day from work.
What about your work out journey? Are you headed anywhere with that? Oh yes that is right.. you are. You see rejoining your friends and working out and feeling that feeling you felt in the before. That feeling when your smile was real. That feeling that you felt when you did the work out with your team and were a part of it. Those last 8 years, you had no heart in it. Sure you showed up, but there was no grit, no grind, no achievement, just the hamster wheel of put in the 75 minutes and leave. You can almost feel what that felt like in the before can't you? It is so damn close, you can do this. It is ok for you to feel something other than darkness again, you NEED to know that it is ok to feel the sunshine. You know she would want that.
Let's tie this letter up with your 6 lbs. What does it feel like? (It feels like I put in some hard work the last 7 days and it showed up right there on the scale.) No, Re.. that isn't a feeling, that is just what happened. What *clap* does *clap* it *clap* feel *clap* like? (It feels like I think I may be on the right track.) No again, that is just what you think may be happening. WHAT! DOES! IT! FEEL! LIKE! (It feels like I am one step closer to those boots, it feels like I am one mile closer to that feeling from the before, it feels like the Cinderella shoe is on, it feels like it is ok to feel exactly what I am feeling right now.) There you go Re.. there you go. It's ok not to feel "proud" of that 6lbs right now, what matters, what REALLY REALLY matters. Is that you do feel, you do have an image of future, and that you know in your heart what that image feels like, that you are working towards that.
Hey Re, I am proud of you for that. Truly truly proud.
Ok guys.. signing off today with this, Do you feel proud of yourself? Like seriously proud? If not, can you maybe dig through whatever it is you aren't feeling proud about and try to find parts and pieces that you are proud of? Me personally I am proud of you all! If you picked a random person and said.. Hey.. what are you proud of X for.. I could give you something within minutes. My goal.. to do that more with myself.
Peace, Love and Light,