What is it with me and songs??? Anyhooooooo it is 8x8 Sunday! Lots of unpacking to do.
First off a bit of negative. First thing this morning I got some news that just made me mad! MAD! Not at myself but at another, at their complete lack of regard for anyone else that is supposed to be part of their life. I slammed a pan, I cussed a bit, I told their mother they were a boob. None of it made me feel any better, but stopping for just a second and thinking that I can NOT control their behavoir and that writing would better suit my mood did. I chiled out made breakfast and then enjoyed a chat on the phone with sister in law extrodianare! (side note: Wendy.. you rock! I don't know what I did to deserve you but I am glad I did!)
The fact of the matter is for YEARS I have carried this burden of what others thought and how others behaved and in turn allowed it to affect ME! My very first thought this morning was "What did I do so horribly bad that made someone have such little regard", when my first thought SHOULD have been, "What is wrong with them?" or even better "Well that's nice." and gone right along about my day. I can not control the behavior or feelings of anyone.. ever.. it is not my burden or my job. My one and only rule in this world is to cause no harm, others thoughts, actions, emotions are ALL on them. It is also not for me to sit here today over a plate of nachos disecting every wrong thing I have ever done in my life because someone didn't give a flying hoot about me. That is how the self loathing starts, "what is so wrong with me that they don't like me" and before I finish devouring my emotions for the day the entire world hates me because I dropped my sippy cup in my grandmothers living room in 1973 and a pleathora of other wrong doings ranging from being the worlds worst mother to I burnt the grilled cheese that one time. The further down that rabbit hole I go, the more calories I pick up, the less active I become because I am so bound and constricted with bad food choices and just plain darkness.
I absolutely HAVE to let that go, because that leads right into another issue, acceptance and wanting others to be proud of me. Want to know why every weight loss attempt I have ever made has failed? I did not do it for me. I didn't do it for my own self acceptance or pride in myself, I did it for others to accept me, and to not view me as the fun fat girl (hell I am not even fun anymore) and to be proud of the work I did to get skinny. I wanted to hear "I am proud of you". Maybe if I wasnt' going around dropping sippy cups in 1973 I would have heard that more as a kid and woudn't be so f%#ked up now... see how that rabbit hole pops up! Because I was doing all of these things for others, do you see how easy it was to fail? All it took was one person to slight me in some way that could be twisted to be my fault and "everyone hated me and why am I even trying, you fake fat f*ck" queue the nachos and 3 bottles of wine! Wicked cycle.
I was asked earlier this week how a goal I had set for myself looked and felt, I have pondered on that for about 6 days now. Why do I feel the need to run another half marathon? We are going to look at that first. It took so much unpacking to get to the whole answer on this simple question but it finally came. I need to do it for me. It feels like one word, redemption but it is loaded with so much more. My first half I ran was not even for me, my marathons none for me, I can sit here and tell you every one of those half and full marathons I did and exactly who I did them for and the answer was.. not me. Going to explain this by just focusing on the very first one for a minute. It was back in 2012 and I had just moved to a new town a few weeks before. Thankfully I had my sisper to keep me from going completely nuts those first few months and then I met my beloved Amanda who I have no idea how I managed to do life before her Through these relationships I found Outer Banks Bootcamp and boom.. hooked. The first thing I did was sign up to run walk a half marathon in April because people would ilke me if I did this race, but my coach had other plans he was going to show me and the rest of the world that one could train for a half marathon from never running before in just 7 weeks! He had the right student because I was so hell bent on pleasing him that I tried to rot my foot off, but guess what, I ran every step of that first half marathon, and guess what else.. he wasn't at the end waiting to tell me he was proud. (my sister and Amanda both were though!) Want to know why he wasn't there, it doesn't matter... that is why, I should have never been running that race to show him or anyone else I could do it to start with I should have done it for me! It was a lesson that was being taught to me and I left it right there on the 13.1 mile run and never picked it up, or any other time it presented itself in the countless miles i have run in 5ks, half, wholes, spartans... I don't think I have done a single mile to make myself proud. So yes.. this is redemption, I am regaining possesion of my own races, of my own miles, of my own self worth and pride, that is what this half marathon goal looks like. (Ps if you want to cheer me on I won't be stopping you because I love the cheers and the finish lines of happiness). All of this unpacking of that goal led me to think about my weight loss goals and where the heck I was with that too.
When the question was asked about my running goal, it made me question myself about my weight. Why is it so important for me to lose the weight, why does the weight loss have to be a focal point and not just acceptance of who I am as I am? All my life I have battled this weight thing, just like my running always for someone else. My first diet, I wasn't even in high school, I didn't even know at the time I was "fat" and the cycle began. Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo I have been at the higher end of the Yo for quite a few years but still in those high numbers I Yo Yoed. Because I wanted you to accept me. Today I am not doing any of this because I want you to accept me.. I want me to accept me. I want me to go in my closet grab something I absolutely love and look in the mirror and be proud of what I look like. I know this maybe a little surprising to some but I really do like to put on a face, fix my hair, throw on a hat and look like a queen, versus the oversized t-shirts and leggings.
*I* WANTto know what it feels like to dress like Stevie because *I* AM PROUD of how MY body looks and not dress like Stevie hoping no one sees how MY body looks. (Ignore the caps.. they are all for me. I wrote the whole thing with you's and your's but sorry guys this is not about YOU! No matter how much I love you.
Over the last 16 days, I have put down some of my heavy duty crutches. Things I have turned to in those moments of self loathing, depression and anxiety that were always there and readily available to make me "feel better". I was serious about it, I poured them out, tossed them in the garbage or simply walked away. Tomorrow is the big day, the biggest walk away of them all. Carbs. You see I am alergic to them, I keep breaking out in fat. I am fully going to dedicate myself to Keto for 90 days, at the end of that time I am going to evalute how I feel and what things are looking like. As I mentioned before I have tried so many diets, low fat, high carb, no carb, no dairy, cottage cheese and beets, on and on and on and nothing stuck (see above.. didn't do it for me) The last go around cost a LOT of money and was so unsustanable that I just can't go back even though I lost weight,
I feel like I lived those 90 days on chicken and brocolli and hearing over and over that you will need to eat this way for the remainder of your life was "OMG", don't get me wrong there was a lot of good taught to me in that and I will take things I learned onward into this next chapter but for the love of all that is good do not tell me I can't ever have cheese, I will not be your friend. My biggest hang up is the coffee creamer, that stuff I swear is laced with crack! So many times I have told myself I am not buying that anymore and I go to the store and "OHHHHH COCOA PEBBLES COFFEE CREAMER GET IN MY CART!!!" It is ridiculous in that when I last gave it up I was fully happy with Half and Half and swerve in my coffee in the mornings, but yet DOVE DARK CHOCOLATE ALMOND comes screaming into the isles and all will power is lost. It is likely going to be one of my hardest vices to break, so if I am a raving lunatic on Wednesday you all know why, well I mean more so than normal.
So why did I chose Keto? Couple of different reasons:
One: The many people I know who have had success.
Two: The many people who have reached out and said, "Just give it a try".
Three: After reserching and knowing my bodies own reaction to carbs versus low carb and some specific issue targetting factors with Keto (think the huge ass stay puff marshmallow ring I have around my middle)
Four: It is rather easy to adapt in a carb for my dad.
I would also like to point out that I have done my research and it won't affect my heart. My heart issue has absolutely nothing to do with what I eat, losing the weight and becoming a healthier me far outweighs any other thoughts of what it could maybe possibly do. Someone loved me enough to call me on it so I wanted to be sure I pointed it out.
So here we go... full on start tomorrow. It is time. Here's to me.
Peace, Love and Light,